


plant your feet (take this dance)

by taemoflove



Category: NCT (Band)
Genre: (mostly canon compliant), Canon Compliant, Friends to Lovers, Happy Ending, M/M, Mutual Pining, Non AU, im trying my best to make it realistic and as awkward as falling in love is, no smut bc i don’t write that, so like dont expect perfect dialogue and descriptions cause thats not how real life is
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-07-06
Updated: 2018-09-13
Packaged: 2019-05-27 01:17:19
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 10
Words: 52,615
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15013532
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/taemoflove/pseuds/taemoflove
Summary: “I don’t understand.”“Bright. You. You’re bright,” Taeyong mumbles again, his eyes closed but a small smile on his lips.-ten's feelings towards taeyong have always existed, ever since they were rookies. but will he be able to act on them? and if he does, will whatever they have last through the struggles of idol life?





	1. hold my hand feel my love

**Author's Note:**

> this is kinda just like inspired by their vlives and just some of they things they say about each other. even if they aren't romantically involved, i truly think they have a special bond and the way they care for each other is very sweet. 
> 
> just a reminder that this is a work of fiction and i am in no way implying the sexualities of these characters or that they are in a relationship. this i imaginative and not real! just wanna say that before going in. 
> 
> please remember to be respectful to idols irl and remember they are in fact real people and anything related to shipping or their sexuality is something to keep to yourself thank you! 
> 
> this is un-betad bc why not

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> uh there's flashbacks about their Thailand visit but they'll be indicated with a page break. they're pretty obvious for the most part though.
> 
> pls let me know of any mistakes or improper wording or literally anything else so i can fix it because i'd like to be respectful of the culture

               “Do you really think of me as a brother, hyung?”

               Taeyong doesn’t face him, but answers in a hushed tone and a shrug. “It’s good for press. Manager-hyung told me to say so.” It’s not really an answer and Ten frowns at the statement but says nothing further. He doesn't know what that hurts.

               The car taking them back to the dorms from the airport hums beneath them and the rest of the ride is silent. Ten tries to let his eyes wander towards the lights and buildings that pass them by and avoids any sort of contact with his friend in the seat next to him.

               Their trip to Thailand left Ten with too many thoughts and emotions to even consider beginning to think about. He was ready to be back in the safety of his dorm, alone. He had a lot to process.

               “I can hear you thinking from here. Go to sleep, it’ll be a bit before we reach the dorms,” Taeyong mumbles from his side. Ten turns to see his friend’s head gently smushed against the window, a faint frown on his face. He’s staring out the window too.

               Ten blinks slowly and narrows his eyes but thinks better of responding and instead gives a little grunt in return and leans his head against his own window, and if he hits it a bit too hard he doesn’t let on. The pair had spent too much time cooped up together and basically in each other’s breathing room for the past three days and they were both grating on each other’s nerves.

               Even so, Ten couldn’t help himself from glancing a second or two at Taeyong’s reflection in the glass window.

-

 

               It’s nearing nighttime when they reach the dorms and Taeyong reaches over to shake Ten awake, the latter making a half groan half yawn as he stretches.

               “Here.” It’s all Taeyong says before stepping out of the car, pulling his bag along with him and shutting the door with a loud thump.

               He doesn’t even get a goodbye from Taeyong. Though he supposes the latter probably thought waking Ten up to see him go was goodbye enough.

               Ten lived with the Dreamies, oddly enough, so he wasn’t getting out with Taeyong. Their dorms were close by, but far enough that Ten didn’t feel like walking this time. He let his head fall back and hit the window as they pull away. He doesn’t give a second thought to the strange sense of disappointment he feels.

               Upon reaching the dorms finally, Ten lets out a low moan, mainly at the fact that he still has to walk to his room. The driver bids him goodnight and pulls away the moment Ten steps over the threshold. He finds himself counting the seconds until he can finally sleep.

               He’s in and out of the shower in under five minutes. It takes him another minute or so to apply all his skincare regimen, and then he’s in bed, soft under the covers, loving the way the comforter feels against his bare torso. He’s got one of the softest beds – something he allowed himself to spend extra won on – and he’s never been more glad to fall asleep in it once again. Not even their lavish hotel bed in Thailand could compare to his.

               And if the strange feeling of something, some _one_ , missing bothers him, Ten ignores it. Now isn’t the time.

-

               “You don’t recognize your own song?” Chenle laughs out loud which makes the rest of the members at the table crack up. Ten tries not to let his embarrassment show, so he just laughs it off awkwardly and continues on with the game like the rest of the kids.

               The game goes on for a little while longer and Ten reluctantly plays along, though he tries his best not to show that he’d rather be in the dorms sleeping or practicing. Despite all this though, he plays along to the best of his ability even though trying to decipher the songs is one of the most difficult things he’s ever done. He’s still not completely fluent in Korean so with that and the fact that 3-4 songs are playing at once makes it ridiculously hard. Maybe even causes him a slight headache. Either that or the fact that this is only the start of his day with this group and they have more games to play.

               He tries his best not to be pessimistic but when you’re tired, anything goes.

               By some way of god or some other higher being, the game ends finally and Ten rests his head against the table when the recorder turns off after the Live. Kun sends him a knowing look from across the long table and Ten shifts so his head isn’t facing the older man. He wants to sleep. Forget practicing. His bed is comfortable and he misses it.

               “Alright guys, we have another game, don’t forget. So, we’re gonna take a little break and then start it,” Renjun reminds everyone and a few members let out groans. Ten doesn’t bother. As much as they love doing these fun little games for their fans, sometimes they wonder why and who comes up with them. And considering everyone’s busy mismatched schedules, why are they doing this rather than practicing something important.

               Ten spends their little ten-minute break at the long table, with his head down, resting his eyes. His glasses removed and sitting by his head because wearing them gave him a bit of a headache. Thankfully no one bothers him, not even to steal his glasses. Maybe they realize he’s getting some much-needed rest and probably shouldn’t be agitated.

               He feels a tap on his shoulder and cracks his eyes open to see Jaemin giving him a lopsided smile, “Hyung, time to start the next game. Sit next to me!” The younger boy grabs Ten’s arm gently and tugs him over to another, smaller, table and his eyes crinkle as they sit. Ten wishes he could have the energy and heart Jaemin does. The younger boy doesn’t seem to have a mean bone in his body even though he’s been through so much. Ten envies him a bit for it. His ability to remain smiling and genuine when Ten, himself will admit he’s a bit jaded and comes off as slightly intimidating and cold if you’d never met him before. Of course, he’s known as one of the more energetic, happy members of NCT, but he’s maintaining this front solely because he’s afraid he’ll be unliked if he doesn’t.

               “Ten-hyung, you are ready yeah?” Jeno asks from across the table, a concerned look on his face. Jisung had been snapping his fingers in front of Ten’s face and he hadn’t even noticed.

               He shakes his head to clear his mind and plasters on a giant goofy grin, “Duh, of course!”

               They turn on the camera, introduce themselves and the rules of the game, all of them fully invested in this game surprisingly. Ten thinks it’s a bit interesting and wonders who will become the most flustered. He knows if Sicheng were here, he’d probably lose first because of how he most definitely can’t handle affection well. Ten laughs a bit at the thought and pictures the younger man’s expression if any of the members here were to tell him “I love you”.

               Once the game starts, Ten knows he’ll easily win. He’s had lots of practice with things like this. He knows exactly how to get someone to laugh or smile. He also knows how to not show any facial expressions if someone were to tell him something as silly as “I love you”. He’s never been in love. Those words are meaningless to him.

               “Okay, let’s go,” he says in English, raising his voice a bit and laughing.

               When it’s Jisung’s turn to say it to Ten, he narrows his eyes a bit and puts on a blank face. The maknae gives a little snort at Ten’s expression but he doesn’t react.

               “I love you.”

               “No.” Internally Ten laughs at the forlorn expression on Jisung’s face as he turns back around and says the words to Renjun, before ultimately failing again with him and then having to turn back to Ten.

               This time he takes pity on the younger boy and accepts the love confession and now it’s his turn to say this to Jaemin, who before Ten turned to face him was grinning like an idiot. Ten laughs and then straightens his expression out and tells Jaemin he loves him. The other boy remains expressionless and Ten thinks maybe he does have a contender in this game. Jaemin tells him ‘no’ and forces Ten to have to tell Jisung, who responds the same way.

               He turns back to Jaemin who again, comically fast, turns his face blank and this time accepts Ten’s confession. But before Jaemin can even say anything to Lucas, the taller man makes one of the uglier facial expressions Ten has seen. Almost like he’s eating a lemon and Ten just cracks up.

               The rest of the boys join in on the laughter and agree on kicking Lucas out of the game because he can’t keep a straight face when it isn’t even his turn. Lucas takes it in stride though and laughs it off and scoots his chair back.

               Now it’s Jaemin’s turn to confess to Jeno and Ten looks at Jaemin’s expression before he readies himself to tell Jeno and Ten thinks maybe he sees something flash across the boy’s eyes but he doesn’t give it a second thought.

               Jaemin goes the extra mile and even brings a hand up in an attempt to caress Jeno’s face but before he even gets halfway through, the black-haired boy turns him down, leaving Jaemin with a crestfallen expression.

               The game goes on for a while until eventually it’s just Ten and Jungwoo, and Ten fears for his win. He thought he would most definitely be the winner of this silly little game but Jungwoo proves to be a very tough competitor.

               They go back and forth and Lucas decides he’s had enough and tells them to simply play rock, paper, scissors to see who will win. Ten frowns. He’s terrible at this game. It’s one he’s never won.

               He loses.

               Of course.

               They get asked how the two of them are so good at this game and Ten finds himself being a little too honest and he’s not sure why he says it.

               “I don’t have deep feelings. It was just easy for me.” Inside he kind of wants to throw himself out of their practice room. What prompted him to say that, he will never know, and so he doesn’t speak for the rest of the Live.

               Then this game is over and the camera is off and Ten finds himself for the second time of the day, letting his head gracelessly falling to the table and the kids of the group laugh at the groan he lets out when he hits his head a bit too hard.

               “Hyung, maybe you should go sleep,” Chenle tells him from where he’s sitting and Ten agrees with him.

               He finds himself standing and bidding everyone a goodbye and walks back to the dorms. Another time he’s more than happy he has his own room is when he lazily plops down in his bed and falls asleep without even changing into appropriate sleeping clothes.

-

               “Ten-ah.”

               He ignores whoever says this. He’s sleeping. He doesn’t need to be awake. Sleep is good. The bed is warm. Everything is good and he was even having a good dream.

               “Ten-ah.” Again.

               “Shhhh, Tennie is asleep,” he finds himself mumbling and pulling his comforter up to cover his face and put something in between his ear and whoever is whispering into it.

               “Ten ten,” this time it’s said in almost a whine and Ten groans and rolls over, tugging the comforter down so he can see who is trying to wake him at this ungodly hour of – he glances at the alarm clock on his side table – nine thirty at night.

               It’s Taeyong. Because of course it is. He truly can’t get away from his hyung.

               “Why are you here?” He mumbles and rubs his eyes a bit so he can hopefully see Taeyong more clearly – which was a very big mistake because in his sleepy haze Ten gets these thoughts about Taeyong. Thoughts that he represses every time they’re together because it’s dangerous and something he most definitely doesn’t need to jeopardize their friendship or his status as an idol.

               Except right now he can’t find any reason as to why he can’t allow himself to think about how achingly beautiful Taeyong is. Because, you see, ever since Ten and Taeyong met, there’s been this odd sort of tension between them and maybe Ten is the only one who picks up on it. But it’s in moments like this, when their faces are just a few inches apart, in the dark and quiet of this room, that Ten knows are dangerous.

               Before Taeyong can answer, Ten drops his gaze to his lips, just for a second, then glances back up to meet his hyung’s eyes. Taeyong’s eyes widen a fraction before he realizes their position and he extracts himself from standing over Ten, to standing probably halfway across the room, and Ten definitely doesn’t frown at this.

               “I was just going to say there’s some food ready for you in case you haven’t eaten. It’s your favorite. Took me a while to make it,” Taeyong voices quietly and Ten blinks. Why would his hyung be making dinner so late at night? Especially something that takes so long to make.

               “Hyung why?”

               At this Taeyong smiles, something really odd about his expression. It’s all wrong. It’s not a genuine smile. An eerie feeling settles in the room before he answers. “I love you. That’s why.” But it’s not right. His facial expression doesn’t change. It’s almost like the game Ten was playing earlier with the other members.

               Ten opens his mouth to respond. To tell Taeyong that he’s wrong, that this isn’t something he should be saying. But he’s not able to do anything. It’s like his mouth is sewn shut and there’s cotton stuck in his throat.

               He’s being shaken awake.

               No. That’s not right. He’s the only one in their dorms. The rest of the members are in LA still. Set to return tomorrow. He shook himself awake, his body trembling, even under the warmth of the comforter.

               He should have known he was dreaming. Taeyong wasn’t in the Dreamie dorms. Taeyong wasn’t even in the country. Ten couldn’t escape him even though he was thousands of miles away. Because of course he had to dream about Taeyong. Because of course, those nights in Thailand hadn’t been enough for him.

-

               It was raining in Thailand the night of their first arrival. They’d taken a few pictures before it had started, ate some of the food the hotel had provided them and drank a few of the mini alcoholic bottles that had been left in the mini fridge which caused them to be slightly bubblier than their usual selves.              

               “I forgot there was only one bed,” Taeyong says, his voice a bit higher pitched than normal. He laughs like this is the funniest thing in the world. And maybe it is. Ten’s brain seems to think so. He laughs too.

               Ten jumps on said bed, landing in a comically hilarious pose, something akin to one of those centerfold models they see in some magazines. “Tae Tae, take my picture. Hurry. Take it now,” Ten laughs as he holds the pose for as long as possible. He can’t help but to let a few giggles escape his lips. Everything is funny to him.

               Taeyong takes his phone out of his front pocket – something Ten teases him for, because who puts their phone in their front pocket – and snaps a few pictures. Making his way towards the bed as he does so, a goofy smile plastered across his face.

               “You look silly Tennie,” Taeyong mumbles after he trips over his own feet and lands half on the bed. “Silly, silly silly.”

               Ten doesn’t know what Taeyong is saying. He just hears the repeated word and hopes it doesn’t mean anything terrible. He laughs regardless, mainly at how Taeyong is now trying to crawl his way up the bed, but his arm is pinned underneath him, being squished against the bed when the rest of Taeyong’s body is awkwardly contorting itself and he’s kind of looking a bit like a triangle with his face smooshed on the bed.

               He knows they shouldn’t have drank. Especially since Taeyong can’t handle his alcohol but flying stresses them both out and so they needed the drinks to ease their tension after arriving.

               “What are you saying Tae Tae?” It’s a bit dangerous for them to keep using nicknames like this. Ten shouldn’t but he can’t help as it slips out almost every sentence.

               Taeyong doesn’t answer immediately. Instead he finally manages to pull himself completely on the bed, though apparently this took too much effort and he collapses half on top of Ten – his stomach on Ten’s chest and one of his arms awkwardly flung over Ten’s face. Ten imagines they look almost like a plus sign and the thought makes him laugh gently.

               They lay like this until it grows dark outside, neither moving or saying anything, slowly growing sober by the moment. “Hmm… gorgeous.” It’s mumbled by Taeyong, who appears almost asleep. Still on top of Ten. The younger can feel his hyung’s heartbeat slowing increasingly and he thinks he too may be falling asleep.

               “What?” Ten whispers. His mind can’t connect the words and he just remains confused. He’s tired and still a bit drunk, just to the point where his brain is a little foggy.

               “Bright.” That word Ten does know, but he’s not sure what Taeyong means by it. He removes one of his arms from underneath Taeyong’s body and brings it up to push the older man’s head to the side a bit so he can see his face. Maybe if he sees his face, Ten will understand.

               “I don’t understand.”

               “Bright. You. You’re bright,” Taeyong mumbles again, his eyes closed but a small smile on his lips – at least from what Ten can see. Half of Taeyong’s face is smooshed against the bed.

               Ten still doesn’t get what Taeyong means and gives up. He uses his free hand to absentmindedly stroke his hyung’s hair, because he has nothing else to do and the repetitive action gives him something to focus on so he can sleep. Taeyong lets out a small noise, halfway between a groan and a sigh and for a moment Ten’s heart races, but then the older man begins to snore and Ten’s other arm falls asleep so the sound is forgotten.

               When Ten wakes up the next morning to an empty bed and his suit from the day before still on he’s almost confused, but then he remembers how tired they both were and his mind supplies that they probably just knocked out the moment they reached the hotel room.

               Taeyong’s head pokes out from the bathroom, Ten can see he doesn’t have a shirt on, and his hair is wet – so he’s already showered. “Uh, we’re a bit late. So, you might have to skip the shower, sorry. We’ve have to do another fansign, and tomorrow the radio show, then the day off.”

               Ten groans loudly at the thought of how his skin will look after a day of forgoing a shower. He also smells vaguely of alcohol and wracks his brain for answers but it’s a bit foggy and he just assumes they probably drank a bit last night. Probably not the best decision, but he doesn’t have time to think about that. Instead he pushes himself off the bed with another groan and ignores Taeyong as he stands next to him in the bathroom, the pair of them brushing their teeth with similar dead expressions in their eyes. It’s almost hilarious. It’s almost domestic and the thought causes Ten’s chest and face feel warm. He focuses more intently on brushing his teeth.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> any questions or thoughts or anything are appreciated. thank you !


	2. but understand it's all just luck

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> i have no knowledge of how their dance practices go and how their managers act, so this is all kind of like my best guess. lmk if anything is wrong

               “We’re back Tennie!” It’s the first thing he hears. Johnny’s loud voice echoing through the living room of their dorm. Ten is in the kitchen, cooking ramen for breakfast because he’s healthy like that. Without Taeyong here, he’s resolved to eating ramen for every meal because it’s one of the only things he knows he can cook well and its low maintenance. That and Kun-hyung is almost as bad at cooking as he is, but he stayed over at the Dreamie’s dorms last night – taking Ten’s place for the time being.

               Ten turns the heat down on the stove and walks backwards through the kitchen until he can stick his head around the corner to see his group members all walking in, hauling their luggage through the door with them.

               The last member in is Taeyong, which of course is just like him. Making sure all the others are in safely before he allows himself to do anything. Ten definitely isn’t staring and when Taeyong finally looks up to meet his gaze, he definitely doesn’t feel his face heating up. Which is dumb because it’s Taeyong, his friend. He’d react like this to all of his friends. Which he should make a point of.

               He quickly walks back over to the stove and opts to just turn it off – the ramen can wait – and he rushes out to greet his members before they get a chance to head back into their rooms.

               Ten launches himself at Jaehyun, who easily catches him and spins them around dramatically. “Oh, my Tennie, how could we have ever been apart?” Jaehyun laughs and sets Ten back down, and to say that Ten missed him would be an understatement. He won’t admit it but Jaehyun has helped him a lot and even though they don’t look it, they’re close. So, when they’re apart, Ten finds his heart dampened with longing.  

               The next is Johnny, who Ten does tackle onto the couch, and attaches himself like a koala to. “You guys were gone for too long. How am I supposed to get in my daily hugs when the kids are all at the other dorm and it’s just Kun-ah, Lucas-ah, Jungwoo -ah and I?” Ten questions when he finally lets Johnny go and stands up to hug all the other members. Even Sicheng, who, surprisingly, hugs him back.

               He wants to hug Taeyong, but when he makes eye contact with him, Taeyong only sends him a small smile accompanied with a wave and Ten tries not to let that get to him.

               “Where are they?” Taeyong questions when he takes notice of the other missing members. A few of the other members have returned to their respective rooms, probably to put away their luggage first. Only Taeyong, Ten and Johnny remain in the living room, all of them sitting comfortably on the couch – well as comfortable as Ten would allow while he still clung to Johnny.

               “They’re all with the Dreamies. We all had some fun while you guys were gone, so they decided to stay with them and make sure they didn’t do anything ridiculous while you were gone,” Ten explains after finally unlatching himself from Johnny and sitting in his own space on the plush couch.

               Taeyong nods then his eyebrow quirks up and he makes a sour face. “Ten-ah, were you cooking ramen?” Ten hesitates to answer. He probably should have thought this over. Taeyong would absolutely kill him for going off their diet and eating noodles before an extensive day of practice.

               Before he can think of a proper answer, Johnny – the traitor that he is – jumps up and runs into the kitchen. “Oh yeah, the stove is still warm. You’re screwed Tennie,” Jonny yells. Ten puts on his best ‘I’m sorry’ face and looks at Taeyong, who surprisingly doesn’t look angry, but instead rolls his eyes and stands, reaching a hand out to Ten.

               “Let’s get you something real to eat before we head to the practice studio, okay?” His voice sounds rough and full of sleep, and Ten knows Taeyong needs rest, so the fact that he’s ignoring all of this in favor of taking Ten to eat makes something in Ten’s chest feel tight.

               Johnny sticks his head out from around the corner with a frown, “How come I don’t get to go get food with you Yongie?”

               “Because you’re not special,” Taeyong muses, at first looking serious but laughs brightly, “And you keep calling me ‘Yongie’, which I told you would bite you in the ass if you kept it up.” At this his face does grow slightly more serious, still with a wild quirk to his eyebrow though.

               Johnny reaches down quicker than Ten thought he would ever witness and begins to pull off his slipper to throw at the pair and Taeyong grabs Ten’s arm in a rush and they sprint out of the dorm as fast as possible to avoid the flying shoe.

               They go some place not too far from the dorm – thankfully with no one recognizing them because the dumbasses they were forgot face masks and hats. It was a place the pair frequented often whenever they would finish practice in the early hours of the morning, or if they couldn’t sleep.

               Taeyong orders, and insists on paying, for some odd reason even though Ten should pay. They take their seats in a booth off in the corner, a bit secluded and Ten watches people walk by outside. He swears he’s not trying to ignore Taeyong, but things are still a bit tense between them since Thailand and then immediately after, Taeyong had left for LA, so they never had time to talk about anything. So to say this was an awkward and unexpected event was maybe an understatement.

               “The omelets came with fruit for both, but I’ll eat yours if you still hate fruit,” Taeyong mumbles, maybe he hadn’t meant to say it too loud, maybe he was saying it loud enough just to get Ten to listen to his offhand comment, either way, Ten immediately feels bad. He shouldn’t be ignoring Taeyong like some lovesick teenager finding out their crush doesn’t love them back. He’s twenty-two not twelve.

               Ten glances away from the window to meet Taeyong’s burning gaze and he hates the fact that Taeyong’s gaze is all or nothing. He’s always seemed too intense to Ten, maybe it’s the result of his stage presence, but everything that has to do with Taeyong is intense and in your face. Except in the quiet moments like right now. Somehow moments like these are more difficult to look Taeyong in the eyes than anything else.

               “I’ve eaten a little bit more fruit. Still don’t think I’ll love fruits but maybe we can share,” Ten suggests with a small grin. He can do this. He can make small talk with Taeyong. It’s fine. _They’re fine._

               “But what if I finish all mine and want yours?”

               “I guess we’ll see when that happens huh?” And no. This isn’t small talk. This is blatant flirting and this needs to stop right here.

               Ten thinks maybe the gods or someone is on his side, because their food arrives the next moment Taeyong is about to open his mouth.

               The server looks like she wants to say something to the two of them, her eyes growing a bit wide, but apparently the looks either of them have on their faces is enough for her not to bother. Not that they were glaring, no. Taeyong was staring a bit too playfully at Ten and he whole situation was strange.

               “If you two need anything, please don’t hesitate to ask. Thank you,” she ends up saying before giving a curt bow and leaving them to eat.

               They do eat. In complete silence because Ten can’t bring himself to say anything except for when Taeyong does ask for Ten’s fruit, which he gladly passes over. He ignores Taeyong’s attempt to start conversation over the fruit. He pretends to be too immersed in his eating to pay attention to anything. After a while, the pretending stops and he really does become engrossed in his food. The omelet is really good, and their sides of sticky rice are honestly amazing.

               It’s nearing eight in the morning as they finish up and Ten knows they have a whole day of dance practice ahead of them, and on top of that Ten has vocal lessons. He’s dreading today but he knows he’s been a bit lazy lately since he hasn’t had to do much since getting back from promoting BDS.

               “Ready to go spend the whole day dying?” Taeyong asks with a small grin as they slide out of the booth. Ten hates how that small grin affects him. He can’t ignore Tae, he can’t stay mad at him. He’s ultimately too weak for this boy.

               They bump shoulders as they walk and Ten laughs at nothing in particular and he hates how his mood is all over the place, but he can’t help it. He’s a mess around their leader.

               “You were starting to worry me, I thought maybe I did something to make you ignore me all breakfast,” Taeyong states a little quietly with a shy look as they enter the 127 dorms.

               “I guess I was more tired than I thought,” Ten lies. He offers up a small grin, hoping Taeyong thinks he was sincerely just tired and apparently it works because his hyung gives his bicep a light squeeze before they part to head to their respective rooms to change.

               Today it was just dance line practicing, but Ten knew he, Taeyong and possibly Jaehyun or Yuta would stay later and practice further. For a fact though, he and Taeyong would stay and the thought of having to be alone with him drives Ten up the walls.

              

               Ten is halfway into the living room area when he realizes he doesn’t have any clothes here except for the ones he brought last night and they’re dirty because he tried cooking and it didn’t work out. He turns to Taeyong with a hopeful smile, trying his best to suck up to his hyung. “Could I pretty please borrow some clothes hyung?” He really hopes he looks cute enough to convince Taeyong, because that’s one thing he really cares about is clothes.

               The older of the two gives his best unimpressed look but finally gives in and nods, blowing out a small sigh, “Of course you can. Let me go get some for you.”

               Taeyong disappears to his room and returns back rather quickly, holding a pile of dark clothes and pushes them into Ten’s outstretched hands. “Please don’t ruin them. Then I’d have to kill you and I only sort of want to do that sometimes,” Taeyong begins with a shit eating grin. He ducks when Ten tries to smack him, and lucky for him only takes the hit to the shoulder and laughs while Ten heads into the bathroom to change.

               The clothes are a bit long, if only because Taeyong is taller than him – because everyone is taller than him. Something Ten is reminded of constantly. But the outfit is decent: black shirt and joggers that are slightly tight around his thigh area. He’d ask for a flannel but that’s probably pushing it.

               He meets everyone in the living room of the dorm – the few from the Dreamies would meet them at the studio. Jaehyun shoots him a strange look and Ten raises his eyebrow in question. “Like what you see Hyunnie?” Ten laughs it off, trying to act his normal self.

               Jaehyun huffs out a laugh and shakes his head before pulling Ten into a headlock and ruffling his hair as they all walk out the dorm and into the waiting car. He doesn’t remove his arm from around Ten’s shoulders the whole time and even insists on sitting next to him in the van.

               As they pull away from the curb Jaehyun turns to him and leans to whisper in his ear. “Why are you being so mopey?”

               Ten pulls back with a surprised look on his face, and immediately schools his features when Jaehyun gives him another knowing smirk.

               “I’m not mopey.” And if he sounds like an indignant child while saying it, well that’s up for interpretation. The crossing of his arms doesn’t help his situation much though.

               “Yes. You are. You’ve been mopey ever since you and TY got back from Thailand. Even from our video calls and texts, I could tell you were being mopey.” Now it’s Jaehyun’s turn to cross his arms but for a completely different reason. He gets to look smug while Ten, in turn, looks like a child who’s been caught sneaking money out of mom’s purse.

               “I think maybe you should shut up or stop talking so fucking loud,” Ten whisper yells. He doesn’t mean to curse, but he really cannot have a certain person listening in on their conversation. Because then that certain person, being the caring person, they are, would want to talk to Ten and have a meaningful conversation and Ten couldn’t handle that. They’ve been managing on this awkward kind of friendship where they’re ignoring each other one moment, but everything is fine the next moment, which is confusing to Ten, but that’s all he thinks he and Taeyong will ever be. Confusing.

               Jaehyun doesn’t answer for a beat, his eyebrows pull together in confusion as he thinks and then when he seems to come to the conclusion he’s looking for he leans back smugly in the seat. “Hmm, interesting.”

               “What’s that supposed to mean?” Ten narrows his eyes. Hoping Jaehyun is very careful with his words.

               “Just… interesting is all. As to why you’d want me to be quiet. We’re all friends here. We can share things with each other. Unless –” Jaehyun leans forward and opens his mouth to say something to Yuta with a giant, shit-eating grin, and Ten jerks him backwards with more force than he thought possible and slams the younger man into the seat.

               At all this Jaehyun lets out a ridiculously loud laugh and Ten buries his face in his hands, quite content to just deal with the consequences now. His life is over. Ruined. Done for. His death is awaiting.

               “What’s so funny?” Jisung asks from the front seat – the maknae somehow always grabbing shotgun – and he turns around to see Jaehyun laughing his ass off, apparently having the time of his life.

               At this, everyone else in the car turns to face the man in question, the one who is still laughing, though it’s marginally getting quieter. He waves a dismissive hand, and wipes his eyes, apparently done with laughing.

               “Sorry guys. Ten is just… hilarious is all,” he tells them in explanation. As if Ten was really that funny as to cause Jaehyun to laugh until they reached the practice building.

               Most everyone else seems satisfied with this answer and they turn back in their seats, grabbing their bags to exit the car. All except for Taeyong, who gives a lingering look to the pair in the back. Ten makes eye contact and doesn’t know what the look on his hyung’s face is, he just feels like he’s been caught and honestly, he can’t hide the awkward, probably scared expression on his face. He feels too open for all this and he breaks eye contact to reach down for his bag and leave the car as quick as possible.

               The studio is always cold, to take in account of their constant sweating, they always leave it freezing. Ten should be used to it by now, but he can’t stop the shiver as they open the doors and walk into the giant room.

               Yuta steps next to him and bumps his shoulder, “I’ll never get used to it either. Don’t worry,” he says with a small smile that still reaches his eyes. Ten has always been grateful for Yuta. He’s been a great friend, especially since the two of them got off to a hilarious start. It solidified their friendship and Ten finds him one of the easiest to get along with, if only because the two both know how it feels to be an outsider, thrown into a new place with no one else. Somehow, Yuta always knows what Ten is thinking.

               “Sometimes I think about turning it up, but then I remember how we feel at the end of practice and not to be dramatic but I’d rather die,” Ten laughs quietly in response. They set their bags on the couch that’s left out for them and Yuta pulls off the hat he’s wearing and tosses it onto the pile of bags.

               Their choreographer and instructor walk in just a minute later and lead them through group stretches. Walking around and pushing some of them into the correct positions and commenting on some of their forms. Ten’s knee strains a bit but as always, he ignores the slight twinge and focuses on making sure everything is stretched properly.

                Once the stretching is over, they stand in two lines, waiting for further instruction.

               “Alright, today is going to be all about moving fluidly. So, we’re going to play a few songs you all should already know the dances to and we’ll work through them for a while. Don’t think about the moves so much. Let your body become an extension of the music,” their instructor explains and walks to the speakers in the corner of the room. He plugs in his phone and turns to look at them all. “First song is Taemin’s ‘Move’. I know you all know this dance, because we’ve practiced it before, but some of you more than others, so don’t be afraid to ask questions. We’ll go one by one and I’d like you each to give some constructive criticism to the person who is dancing yeah?”

               They all nod, but when it comes to picking the order they all give each other nervous looks. One would think that after years of performing, they’d be alright with going first, but no one ever wanted to be the first.

               “Rock, paper, scissors?” Someone suggests and there’s a collective murmur of agreement throughout the group.

               It ends up being Yuta first, then Jaehyun, Taeyong, Jisung, Jeno, WinWin, Jaemin, then Ten last. To be last, as well as first, sucks. Everyone is tired and would rather not give feedback, but he’ll take it.

               Yuta, although he messes up the timing on a few movements, is surprisingly fluid, despite less elegant with his moves, he exudes sexual charisma with every dance he does. It’s one of the things Ten has always noticed about him. His stage presence, it’s very in your face.

               Jaehyun, of course, nails every move and is extremely fluid. He’s got natural talent and is a solid performer, but his boyish charm and dimples sometimes takes away from his more provocative side. With this particular song, he isn’t really the type for it, but regardless, he’s still a stunning performer.

               Ten tries not to watch all of Taeyong’s dance. He knows his face will give something away. Though he watches a bit – so he can give his opinion of course.

               “Your movements are a bit stiff during the chorus, Taeyong-hyung,” Ten says quietly when it’s his turn to talk. He feels weird, like he doesn’t have a say in this for some reason.

               Taeyong turns on him, breathing a bit hard. “How should I fix that then?” He’s got a slight edge in his tone, but that’s probably just from being frustrated in himself. The room goes quiet and the air feels warm despite the low temperature, like everything is suspended in time.

 He is one of their most talented dancers. It’s no question. But there’s certain moves Taeyong struggles with to be smoother and flow with rather than, quick, precise moves.

               “I – uh. Hmm…” Ten thinks for a moment, not really knowing what to say. When he comes to a wall in his dances, he just repeats it until he nails it. And if that takes an entire night, then so be it. “I can stay after with you and we can work on some slower songs?”

               Taeyong’s face softens a bit at the suggestion, and he simply nods an answer before rolling his shoulders back and going to take his place back at the side of the room. Ten tries to ignore the pull in his chest to go and assure Taeyong. Which is silly, because, what could he tell him? Taeyong didn’t need Ten’s opinion. He already knew things were going to be fine. So, Ten, going over to throw an arm around him would be pointless. Of course. Ten shakes his head to clear his mind and focus on the next person’s turn.

               The music starts up and his mind goes blank. His only focus is Taemin-hyung’s voice. This is one of his favorite songs to dance to. Even when he’s not practicing here, sometimes Ten finds himself dancing around his room to this. Taemin has always been one of his inspirations for dance, so of course he went and learned all of his dances and though he thinks he’s nowhere close to Taemin’s level of skill, perhaps he could get there one day.

               He thinks back to his days on Hit the Stage, and about how Taemin said he was his favorite dancer in NCT and the thought makes him smile a bit, though he has to school his face through the dance. Ten makes sure only to make the correct facials during the dance, not to let his other emotions show through.

               The song ends all too soon and Ten takes a moment to catch his breath, which is a bit difficult, but he remembers in through the nose, out through the mouth and it steadies his heartrate.

               Their instructor gives him an appreciative look. “It seems you’ve practiced this song… many times huh?”

               Ten nods sheepishly. “It’s uh, one of my favorites actually. Taemin-hyung is a huge inspiration,” he says by way of explanation.

               “I don’t know if I have any criticism,” Jaehyun chimes in from his spot. He’s wiping the sweat off his forehead when he says it, then smiles brightly. “Could’ve fooled me. I thought it was Taemin-hyung up there.”

               Ten’s face heats up significantly and he shakes his head, opening his mouth to disagree but Taeyong steps forward from behind Jaemin where he was standing. “I agree with Jaehyun. I think you’ve come a long way Ten. I don’t think he’s exaggerating when he says he thought it was Taemin-sunbaenim. You two should work together if manager-hyung would allow it. I think it would be interesting.”

               “Okay, I think maybe that’s a bit much. Taemin-hyung is basically a god, so let’s not get going there. But thank you all for the compliments,” Ten explains and laughs it all off as he steps back into their half circle to listen to some more words of their instructor. He pointedly ignores Taeyong’s eyes burning into the side his head.

-

               They did the same thing again, just to different songs and eventually ended up all doing a group dance to some American song Ten can’t remember the name of. Of course, they did cool down stretches and a few of the guys stayed to do some of their own practices, but they took the smaller, single practice rooms and let Ten and Taeyong have this large one. The Dreamies left on account of having to get up early the next morning and bid everyone warm goodbyes, Jaemin in particular gave Ten a tighter hug than normal and rushed out, jumping on Jeno’s back in the process.

               “And then there were two,” Taeyong laughs breathless. He’s lying on the ground almost like a starfish and sweat runs down his cheek and onto the floor. Ten just stares with a goofy grin.

               “I still can’t believe you think I could work with Taemin-hyung. You’re silly,” Ten mutters with a half laugh and joins his friend on the floor. He’s really too tired to act strange around him at this point.

               They’re quiet for a bit, only the sound of heavy breathing filling the room. “Alright,” Taeyong begins, and pushes himself into a standing position. “Play the song, and tell me which part I’m too stiff during yah?”

               Ten nods and rolls himself over to their speakers, eliciting a loud bubbly laugh from Taeyong, and he grins his response. When he reaches the speakers, he pulls his phone off the table next to them and searches through until he gets to the song.

               “I’ll countdown, just make sure you’re ready hyung,” he tells him from across the room. He turns to see Taeyong getting into the ready position and holds his fingers up to begin the countdown.

               Taeyong takes a deep breath, Ten can see a look flash across his eyes before he presses play and once the music begins he stands and slowly walks over to observe Taeyong better.

               “When you do those first steps forward, your feet hit the ground too hard. Try for softer steps,” Ten suggests and he thinks Taeyong hears him, but he’s focused at the moment so he gives no conformation other than eye contact.

               The song plays out and Taeyong has improved greatly on his fluidity since the beginning of their practice, to the point where only a couple times did his shoulders seem to jerk a bit more forcefully than necessary. His body rolls were about the only thing he could have minor improvement on.

               Taeyong lets out a long breath and groan once the song ends and it looks like he wants to drop dead. It’s nearing seven at night and they’ve been practicing like mad all day and Ten feels a rush of sympathy for their leader.

               He comes up next to Taeyong. “All of that was pretty amazing, you definitely don’t need to work on facials, that’s one thing I can never nail completely, so that was awesome hyungie,” Ten pauses and reaches out to pull Taeyong into a starting position again. “When you do the body rolls during that one part – with the twist at the end – you’re a little stiff right in here,” he points to Taeyong’s abdomen. “It looks like an alien baby is trying to force its way out of your stomach.”

               Taeyong swats his hand away with a sour look, but he knows Ten is joking around.

               “This is gonna sound weird but, think of someone you really wanna uh, you know,” Ten isn’t really sure how to put it and he’s also not sure why he’s saying it. Because why on Earth would his mind think of this in the first place? He knows why. “You know,” he insists with waggly eyebrows and for a moment Taeyong gives him a really concerned kind of ‘Who is this idiot?’ look before his eyes widen. Ten nods, hoping Taeyong has the point now. “And well, kind of imagine you’re in the act. You wouldn’t want to be choppy. Imagine this song playing. You want to be smooth with your movements. So just, kind of keep up that mental image yah?” And before Taeyong can answer or see the extreme redness on Ten’s face, he drops his arms off his hyung’s shoulders and quickly makes his way back to the speakers.

               “Once more and then we can do something else alright?” Ten says, his voice a little shaky. Betraying him.

               Taeyong shakes his head, ruffling his hair and letting it fall in his eyes. Ten notices it’s getting kind of long. “Yeah, just play it.”

               He nails the move of course. A little too well.

               The song ends and Ten quickly switches to a different song. Just pressing shuffle on his music and thankfully something soft comes on and he can forget what he just saw. He doesn’t walk back over, instead he takes a seat at the table they normally do their ‘TxT’ Lives at.

               “That was…” Ten tries to find the correct words to say. He can’t say what he really wants because no way could their teetering friendship level could handle that much honesty. “Hmm. It was.” He’ll leave it at that and let Taeyong interpret it as he pleases.

               The man in question takes in a few deep breaths, letting himself calm down after dancing so much and he then joins Ten at the table. Taeyong lets his head fall forward and his forehead is resting on the table as he speaks. “Wanna do a Live?”

               “You don’t want my opinion on your dance?” And where the hell did that come from? Why did Ten’s brain have to say things like that? Was his brain to mouth filter deciding to take a day off today?

               Taeyong’s head lifts up from the table slowly and he’s got a vaguely confused, almost painful look on his face, but it’s over in an instant and he raises an eyebrow. “Hmm, sure.” It’s said while he’s biting his nails, so it comes out as little more than a mumble and Ten tries not to think about how this is one of the few times he’s seen Taeyong look so vulnerable and nervous. The nail biting though is how he knows Taeyong is anxious, it’s always been a habit of his and he did it during some bits of their fansign in Thailand just recently. He only stopped when Ten or their manager had to quietly and subtly remind him that they were in front of the public.

               “No –” Ten cuts off at seeing the upset look on Taeyong’s face, “– I mean. I’m not sure why I asked that. Let’s just do a Live. Good idea.” They’re not really supposed to do this without a manager or someone approving or being there – like, at all. They’re really gonna hear it from their manager later but Ten can’t find it in himself to care.

               Taeyong uses his phone to start the live since the normal cameras they use are with their managers. It’s late for them, nearing midnight. They’d all been practicing for ridiculously long hours that Ten’s vocal coach had called him in the middle of practice and told him they’d just reschedule their lessons for tomorrow. He’d initially been glad for that, but then remembered he was actually going to be going to vocal practice and his heart sunk.

               “They want you to say something in Thai,” Taeyong’s voice broke through Ten’s inner turmoil of hating vocal lessons. He snaps his head towards the camera, slightly embarrassed that he hadn’t even noticed the Vlive starting.

               Taeyong’s face was close to Ten’s second phone, which they used to read the comments, and he’s got an adorably confused look on his face that Ten can’t help but stare endearingly. God, their managers really are going to kill them, but that’s okay, Ten can live in this moment.

               Ten thinks for a moment, about what he can say to the fans and remembers back in Thailand when he made Taeyong say ‘Ten is cute’ and figures ‘why the hell not’. He leans over to whisper the phrase in Taeyong’s ear. The elder laughs and leans back from the camera.

               “You want me to say it again?”

               “I’ll say something too, so we’ll both be embarrased,” Ten responds with a small laugh. He ignores the comments that fly by. Many are just an abundance of heart emojis and he pointedly doesn’t think about what they mean.

               Taeyong gives another shy laugh and gets that wary look in his eyes as their gazes meet and Ten resists the urge to make the most adoring face possible. He’s sure he’s quite obvious – he’s never been able to hide his emotions well.

               “On three alright?” Ten asks with a smirk and still avoids looking at the camera.

               Taeyong shakes his head, running his hand through his hair before looking up with a nervous smile and says, “Yeah.”

               “One, two… threeeee,” Ten drags out the last syllables before saying “I love Taeyong,” at the same time Taeyong says “Ten is cute.” They both crack up, laughing at how ridiculous they’re being. Because it’s really not a big deal. They say they love each other all the time but it’s always in that same, platonic way that they speak to all the other members.

               The comments explode, mainly from Thai fans watching in who understand what they just said. Ten just knows there will be a video of this somewhere and he cringes internally to think about what punishment their managers have planned because they are most definitely watching in right now.

               Taeyong once challenged their managers on a Vlive, telling the audience exactly what their managers were telling them and mocking them. He remembers the scolding Taeyong got and the look on his face when he came back to the dorm. He remembers thinking Taeyong was one of the bravest people he’d known. During that time their managers had been really hard on some of the Dreamies and some of the other more excitable members and Taeyong, being the motherly soul that he is, got fed up with it and finally called them out. It was the moment Ten knew Taeyong was serious about his duties as a leader, even if it cost him his career, he cared about their members more than himself.

               “Yes, Ten-ah has been teaching me some phrases. I know what I said. Of course I love Ten, if I didn’t it would be hard to be in the same group as him yah?” Taeyong muses, his face close to the camera again.

               Ten, yet again, has to bring himself back to the actual Vlive and decides to read some more comments instead of responding to Taeyong. He schools his features and leans forward and tries to pick out some comments that come in slower than others.

               “Song recommendations hmmm,” Ten reads quietly and thinks on this for a moment, trying to decide an appropriate song to listen to in front of everyone. He can’t pick anything too obvious, which is going to be difficult because all he’s been able to listen to is love songs and he really hates how his heart skips a beat at the thought of sharing one of those songs with Taeyong. He’s really got to pull himself together in front of this camera right now.

               Taeyong answers some more questions that Ten isn’t really paying attention to. He’s too busy over at the speakers scrolling through his phone trying to find a song. He hears Taeyong mention something about Kcon and that’s when Ten stops listening. Despite them being idols for a while now and realizing they have different schedules, it still pulls at Ten’s heart every time they’re apart for longer than a couple days.

               He finally finds a decent enough song that isn’t a complete love song. Or at least he’s almost sure of it. Ten presses play and goes back to sit down next to Taeyong, reading the comments to see if anyone knows the song.

               “I haven’t heard this before,” Taeyong explains, a puzzled look on his face. It’s an American song, so Ten knows Taeyong won’t really completely understand the whole thing, something he’s very grateful for.

               Ten reads a comment and feels a grin spread across his face, “Yeah, it’s Luna by the Smashing Pumpkins,” he says in English.

               “I like this,” Taeyong says offhandedly. A little quiet and Ten thinks maybe Taeyong hadn’t meant to say that out loud. They’re a bit quieter than their normal Vlives and Ten knows the viewers will pick up on it but right now that doesn’t matter.

               “No, still no snacks. We’ve been practicing all day and just decided to give you guys a video of us before we went to bed.” Taeyong leans back in the chair and runs another hand through his hair, laughing at some of the comments that scroll by. Many of them reminding them of when Ten said he was sweet enough to not need snacks. Ten’s face definitely doesn’t heat up. He also definitely doesn’t get up and walk to the speakers again to avoid the viewers seeing his face.

               He chooses a more upbeat song this time, called ‘Never Be Like You’ by Flume and lets it play a bit, letting his face cool down before sitting down.

               “I want to make a choreo for this song,” he tells the viewers and Taeyong. A thought pops into his mind, a stupid thought really. And his brain is very stupid for saying this out loud, “We should do another duo choreography to this.”

               Taeyong’s eyes light up slightly, with a look that Ten can’t quite figure out and he opens his mouth to say something, probably to tell Ten that it’s a ridiculous idea but then they’re interrupted by Ten’s phone ringing and ending the song.

               He jumps up and heads to the speakers, looking down at the caller id to see it’s one of their managers. They’ve finally been caught.

               Ten turns to Taeyong with a grimace, “It’s manager-hyung.” He unplugs the phone from the speakers and sends it to voicemail with a message letting their manager he’ll talk to them in just a moment. Something that won’t help their case at all but he doesn’t want to get chewed out on a Vlive.

               “Uh, that’s our manager-hyung. We’re gonna go now. See you guys later, thank you for tuning in. Love you all! Goodbye!” Taeyong tells the viewers with wide eyes and ends the stream before Ten can say his goodbyes.

               Ten and Taeyong’s eyes meet and for once Ten can look past the churning in his stomach every time they look at each other. “That was a terrible idea huh?” Ten laughs and it breaks the awkward tension in the room.

               Taeyong lets out a loud, unrestrained laugh. “Ah Tennie, that was one of the most terrible decisions I’ve made, but at least I know I won’t be alone when we get chewed out.” His eyes form into crescents as he laughs again and Ten’s heart does some stupid little extra ‘badump’ and he finds himself laughing lightheartedly along with Taeyong.

-

               They got the chewing out of a lifetime. Ten’s career got threatened and Taeyong got hit with a pay deduction and extreme scolding.

               It hit Ten hard. He’s used to being told he’s replaceable. He gets that. He knows he’s not special. He’s not the face of the group. He’s not Taeyong. But to be told by his manager was something he wasn’t expecting. He’s feeling all kinds of emotions. Anger at being unjustly punished. It was a Vlive, not like they gave any spoilers or did anything different than they normally do if there is a manager there. Sadness at the fact that all his worst fears were just confirmed by his manger. His biggest insecurity, feeling like he doesn’t belong, and his manger just pointing out how right he is. It’s disheartening to say the least.

               On top of all this, Taeyong is told about his schedule and is informed he’ll be extremely busy in the coming month and Ten will not. They’re going to be separated yet again, at a time when Ten really needs the extra assurance Tayeong brings. It feels almost like some higher power decided Ten was going to suffer for a bit and there was absolutely nothing he could do about it.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> questions and comments are welcomed :)


	3. no such thing as true love

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> i live for ten, kun, jungwoo and lucas hanging out. its my favorite thing besides ten hanging out with the dreamies, so i had to include both of course

           

               Ten goes to his vocal lessons. He does great. It’s not a surprise to him anymore. He knows he can sing. He knows he can dance. He knows he has talent. But that’s just it. He doesn’t think it’s enough. It’ll never be enough for him because he knows he’s good but he wants great. He wants perfect. But no one can be perfect and despite knowing this Ten still wishes he could just be good enough for himself but he never will.

               So, he throws himself into dancing. Practicing for ungodly hours. Doing nothing but practicing, eating, sleeping and barely interacting with some of the other members.

               It gets to the point where Jungwoo takes note and one day comes to visit him at the Dreamie dorms on a day where all the kids are out doing something together.

               Ten hears a knock on the door and knows it’s not one of the kids because they would just come in. He looks at his current state of undress, just basketball shorts and he frowns. He doesn’t really feel like putting on clothes, so whoever it is better be okay with what they see.

               He throws his laptop back onto his bed and groggily walks to the door. It was a bit early in the morning and he was about to go work out surprisingly.

               The door opens to reveal a warmly dressed Jungwoo. He gives Ten a giant soft smile and steps through into the room without asking.

               “Ten-hyung, hello.” Despite knowing Jungwoo for a while now, Ten will never get over how soft his voice is. It’s extremely comforting. The younger man glances around the living area of the dorm, seeming to take it all in. It’s pretty cozy, if a little dirty. The kids tend to just throw things wherever and clean it up whenever Taeyong or another senior member comes to visit.

               “Jungwoo-ah,” Ten pauses and gives him a once over, not really understanding the premise of this visit. “Uh, sorry if this is too forward, but what are you doing here?” Ten plops down on one of the cushions they have on the ground around their table they usually eat on.

               Jungwoo doesn’t make a move to get comfortable and Ten feels a small sense of dread pick up in his stomach. “We’re gonna go out for a bit. Me, Lucas, Kun and you,” Jungwoo begins softly, but when he sees Ten go to argue his face grows hard, “Don’t think the rest of us haven’t noticed how you’ve been acting for the past couple of weeks.” His voice is stern and lacks all the gentleness Ten is used to. “You’re not getting out of this I’m afraid,” Jungwoo adds and narrows his eyes as if to tell Ten ‘Please try and argue. I’d love to see that’.

               Ten thinks about his options. He could either run and lock himself in his room to avoid this, but he wouldn’t be able to face Jungwoo after. Or he could man up and go do something other than mope. He wasn’t moping. He really wasn’t. He was just dedicated to practice.

               “Alright, fine. Let me change. What are we doing?” Ten questions and pulls himself up from the cushion, scratching his arm and stretching.

               “It’s a surprise, but dress warmly. We’ll be inside somewhere, and it might get cold.”

               He nods at this and heads back into his room and gives his closet a once over. The clothes have a bit of dust on them – that’s about how long it’s been since he’s worn anything other than training sweats.

               Ten opts for an all-black outfit and one of his favorite red flannels. It’s an outfit he wears often but it’s the outfit he feels best in. He grabs an extra jacket just in case, an extra-large hoodie that is also one of his absolute favorite pieces of clothing he owns.

               Jungwoo is awkwardly standing by the door when Ten walks out and he represses the urge to laugh louder than he does. “You’re so stiff Jungwoo-ah. Are you okay?”

               The younger man turns to face him and laughs gently, “Just preparing myself to deal with you and Lucas in the same space for the next few hours.” And yeah, Ten realizes whenever he and Lucas get together it’s always going to be a difficult time for anyone else. Their personalities are eerily similar, though Lucas is a little more extroverted, they have some of the same tendencies and enthusiastic attitude. They each kind of feed off of each other’s energy and it’s like two never ending energizer bunnies.

               “You sure you’re ready to handle us then? You and Kun-hyung are really gonna be in for it,” Ten reminds him as they exit the dorm and head towards the waiting car that brought Jungwoo over here.

               Jungwoo gives him a pained look but rolls his eyes and laughs when they step into the van and the others are already there. “I don’t really have a choice, do I?”

               “Ten-hyung!” Lucas yells the moment they step into the van. He moves forward in the backseat to give Ten a half hug and Kun forces them apart.

               “Nooo, we’re not getting that started yet. That’s why you’re in separate seats until we get where we’re going,” Kun explains and laughs at the pouts on the boys faces. Lucas reaches a hand out dramatically as they pull into traffic, “Ten-hyung, they can’t keep us apart forever!” To which Ten reaches a hand back and cries out dramatically as well.

               For the time being, Ten forgets all about why he was even sad in the first place.

-

               “Roller skating? Hyung. You know how terrible my coordination is,” Lucas whines when they pull up to their destination.

               Kun just smacks Lucas on the shoulder and forces him out of the van. “I think you’ll live.”

               “Is this retaliation for me calling you ‘Fat Kun’ on the Vlive? I already told you it was only that once. Well –” Lucas is cut off by another smack from Kun and he’s pushed into the place after the automatic doors slide open for them.

               Jungwoo laughs at all this and helps Kun push Lucas up to the counter. Him being the youngest one also means he has to pay and Ten, despite himself, is very glad.

               They all rent out their skates and a locker to put their things in. Thankfully they haven’t been recognized yet, so they can safely lock their stuff away without having to worry about a crazed fan trying to break into their locker.

               Since it’s a little earlier in the day, there’s hardly any people there, and they manage to find a table off in the corner to sit and put on their skates. Kun volunteers to go order pizza and drinks for them whenever they want to take a break and yet again, Ten is thankful for being the second oldest here.

               “Alright, Ten-hyung , lead the way. We all know you’re the best when it comes to this stuff,” Lucas tells him, both hands tightly clutching Jungwoo’s bicep as he struggles to stand still.

               Ten leads them onto the wooden floor and links arms with Jungwoo who’s other arm is still being held against it’s will by Lucas. They get off to a slow start, Ten having to hold on a lot tighter than he thought to Jungwoo. The other two boys are considerably worse than Ten to the point where they might need to go spend some time in the smaller rink meant for kids.

               “How come you guys suggested roller skating if you guys are so terrible at it?” Ten asks Jungwoo, laughing slightly as he speeds them up a bit. They’re the only people there besides two other couples and so they have plenty of room for when Lucas trips over his own feet and falls pretty hard against the unforgiving floor. Jungwoo immediately cracks up, doubling over as he laughs at Lucas’ misfortune. The latter boy groaning on the floor as he struggles to pick himself up. After he catches his breath, Jungwoo helps Ten lift Lucas from the ground and the taller boy punches Jungwoo in the shoulder, “That’s for taking so long to help me up you asshole.” It’s said with a laugh and his signature grin and Ten is hit with a small feeling of true happiness. He hadn’t realized how much he missed seeing his friends smile with him and he also realizes maybe he’s been kind of a shitty friend in return.

               He stops them at one of the rounded corners of the rink and pulls them in front of him, only to envelop them in a giant hug before either of the two can disagree. Ten doesn’t let go for a few moments, just living in the warm embrace of two of his best friends. He really, really, really missed them. The thought makes him hug tighter and then finally let go.

               “What was that for?” Jungwoo asks in his small, soft voice. It’s adorable and Ten honestly feels so full of warmth and love. It’s all hitting him at once.

               Ten gives them a warm, grateful smile. “I just, really missed you guys. I’ve been a terrible friend, and in a terrible mood for a while now. It’s made me feel bad for kind of being a not so amazing person to you guys when all you’ve ever done is be there for me,” he explains sincerely.

               Kun arrives at that moment, stepping into the rink easily and coming up to hug Ten back. “Hey, I want my own hug from you too Tennie,” he says with a giant grin and pulls Ten and the other two boys into another hug.

               “And there’s no need to apologize. We understand Ten-hyung,” Lucas chimes in once they all step back. Despite being younger, he still brings one of his giant hands up to ruffle Ten’s hair and he allows it. He’s never been one to deny skinship, in any form.

               He smiles gently back at them but looks down as he speaks, too embarrassed to look them in the eyes, “I know you understand, but I still do need to say sorry. It wasn’t okay for me to ignore you guys, cause you are my friends, and just because I’m hung up on someone doesn’t mean I get to be a shitty friend to you guys.”

               “Wait what?” The surprise in Kun’s voice forces Ten to look up and it’s then that he realizes what he just said. Everyone’s eyes are wide and Ten finds himself glancing up at the ceiling, humming in mock confusion.

               “Who? What? Ten. What?” Lucas questions, his voice growing increasingly louder and he steps forward with each word, forcing Ten to try and skate away from them.

               He doesn’t get very far because he forgot Kun was a good skater and he grabs Ten’s arm and pulls him out of the rink, the other two boys following close behind. He pulls Ten back over to their table where the pizza was just delivered to and sits him down.

               “You’re not leaving this table until you tell us what you mean,” Kun says in a stern tone and even crosses his arms for dramatic effect.

               All four of the boys are sitting and eating pizza, three of whom are sitting not so patiently, waiting for Ten to speak up. Ten knows he needs to tell them, he can’t continue to leave them in the dark but there’s two things holding him back. One, he would be outing himself to someone other than Jaehyun. Two, he would be actually voicing out loud (another first) his feelings for their leader and that is most definitely a problem because there are no relationships in idol life. At least not for them. Not intergroup relationships.

               “I am hung up on someone. You’re right,” Ten begins slowly, hoping maybe they’ll make a connection for themselves so he doesn’t have to say it out loud.

               “You’ve been like this for a couple weeks now, so I’m assuming something happened with this person back then correct?” Jungwoo asks after a bight of pizza.

               Ten nods, his heart racing. He knows his group aren’t homophobes – at least outwardly – but the thought still causes his pulse to race and he hopes his face isn’t violently red right now.

               “Is this person….” Lucas’ face softens a bit as he makes eye contact with Ten, “Someone we know in any way?”

               Again, Ten nods. They still haven’t said ‘guy’ or ‘girl’ so he tries not to say anything on the subject.

               The three sit in silence for a moment before Kun’s eyes widen and he glances over quickly at Jungwoo and pulls out his phone, typing something quickly and handing it to Jungwoo. He and Lucas both look at the screen and then up at Ten, then back at the phone, then hand the phone to Kun.

               Ten really wants to leave now. His past thoughts about missing them were totally wrong. A complete mistake. He should just get up and skate away from his problems. He’s about to do just that when again, Kun grabs his wrist and pulls a reluctant Ten back down into his seat. The latter pointedly avoiding their gazes and pouting.

               “Ten,” Jungwoo says slowly, quietly. “Do you like Taeyong? As more than a friend?”

               And well, Ten kind of hates that it was so obvious to them. He also kind of hates that they’re treating him like a frightened animal right now but at the same time he’s glad they haven’t done anything too wild. Their faces have remained passive, not letting Ten figure anything out.

               He sits for another moment, letting the cold feeling of dread wash over him and then he steels himself and faces them. “Yeah. And I think I have since our rookie days too and then in Thailand –” He stops, debating on whether he should tell them.

               “Since your SMRookies days?” Kun questions, his eyes widen a bit more. “Ten, that’s a long time to like someone.”

               “Yeah,” Ten raises an eyebrow, “I know.”

               “Okay, no back to Thailand. I noticed Taeyong acting weird, so what were you going to say?” Jungwoo asks, his voice sounding a bit less soft than normal, making sure Ten actually does answer his question.

               “Well, you guys saw the VLive right? We shared that bed. There was only one. I almost kissed him. Everything was going fine for those first couple of days. We were so busy and worried about promoting everything perfectly, and we also had to put on a show for the recording diary, so it was lots and lots of acting and we were both always so tense after the cameras were off us. So, we drank at night, every night. Not heavily, but enough. The last night we were there we might have drunk… a little more than we were supposed to. But one moment we were lying there and the next minute he said something and then we both leaned in and right before it almost happened I realized what was happening and ran away. I mean literally ran away and woke up in another room alone. So that’s my life. That’s how everything has been and I’m kind of in love with the guy and now I’ve really gone and screwed things up majorly,” Ten voices, his breathing speeding up a bit as he rushes to get everything out. His face, he can tell, is extremely red and he avoids looking at the other three.

               The trio sitting opposite of him all exchange varying looks. Though thankfully none of them seem mad or anything negative. They just seem slightly worried for Ten, something he wishes they didn’t.

               “And you’ve been moping because he’s been gone in America and doing so many things right now and you’re stuck here?” Lucas questions and leans back in his chair after grabbing a slice of pizza.

               “Well, yeah that’s part of it. I mean, I miss him of course, that’s a huge part of it. But I just feel like things are different with us now. On camera he’s his normal kinda weird self, but then off camera when we’re together he’s distant in a strange way. Kind of moody to be completely honest and it’s confusing to me because I don’t know how to act around him. Sometimes he’ll talk to me, but anything I say can set him off and then suddenly he’s ignoring me and it’s… stressful. I just wish Thailand would have never happened,” Ten explains, yet again, rambling to get his thoughts out. He stumbles on a few words, not really caring about pronunciation at the moment, so he’s sure he sounds a little crazy to the others but he doesn’t care.

               The other three all nod at this, Jungwoo suspiciously quiet throughout all of this explaining. Ten locks eyes with him and Jungwoo actually looks away, but Ten doesn’t miss the way Jungwoo’s face looks slightly pink. Ten wants to raise an eyebrow at this but he has a strong feeling he shouldn’t turn this onto Jungwoo right now.

               “Well. That’s a lot to handle,” Kun says dumbly and laughs a bit. “I mean, that’s. Well. You couldn’t have picked a better person to kind of be in love with. Taeyong really is a great guy and I know you mean a lot to him too.”

               “That’s the problem Kunnie. He’s too good for me,” Ten explains and picks at his nails. Lucas reaches over and slaps Ten’s hands, forcing him to look up with wide, surprised eyes.

               “Ten-hyung, I’ll slap you again if you say something like that again. You know how many languages? Your singing is amazing. You can dance as well as Taemin- sunbaenim.  You’re good at art. You’re a good hyung to all of us and you’re always there for us – well, when you’re not hung up on Taeyong-hyung. So, if anything, you’re too good for Taeyong-hyung. And I love Taeyong-hyung an awful lot so that’s saying something,” Lucas almost yells. He’s never really been able to control the volume of his voice well, but Ten doesn’t say anything because he doesn’t think he’s ever seen Lucas look so serious.

               Ten is, if he’s speaking honestly, floored. He hates that he feels like he’s fishing for compliments but at the same time, it warms his heart greatly to hear his groupmates speaking so fondly of him. Especially Lucas, he would have never expected such great admiration from the younger man. “Thank you, guys. I don’t really have the words to say what I mean, but I’ll tell you I’m feeling very warmed right now. Let’s keep skating so I don’t cry in front of you all,” Ten voices while gently clutching his heart. He wishes he were better with words at times like these.

               They spend the next couple of hours all trying to race each other around the rink and having more fun than some adults probably should. They even choreograph their own group dance to some silly eighties American disco song and a few people give them odd looks but they can’t help it. Ten hasn’t had this much fun in a while and for that short while he forgets Taeyong.

               Unfortunately, all fun times do have to come to an end. This time because someone spotted them and knew who they were and posted about it. Thus, bringing on a couple of groups of fans, Dispatch and a few lesser known fansites. Kun had to call their manager and arrange for a car to pick them up and a few security guards to add to the one already there with them. It was a small reminder to Ten that they never really could have privacy except for inside their dorms.

               The car drops Ten off at the Dreamie dorms after he gives them hugs goodbye in the car. They’re all in a group chat together, so Kun promises they’ll make more plans later on in the week, and Ten agrees before stepping out and rushing inside.

               Chenle and Renjun greet him from the living room. The pair sitting on the couch watching some movie. Ten doesn’t even think before plopping down in between them and snuggling up to Renjun, his legs going to lay across Chenle’s lap. “Why are men shit Injunnie?” The younger man doesn’t reply, just quirks an eyebrow at him and brushes the hair off of Ten’s forehead.

               “Is this about anyone in particular or are men terrible just because today?” Chenle questions and scoots Ten’s legs off his lap before getting up to nose around the kitchen.

               “I might as well just tell you guys, since I’ve already told some of the others, plus I love you guys too much to keep it from you.” Ten sighs and pulls himself up straight but crisscrosses his legs on the couch. Chenle comes back a few minutes later with popcorn and some peach soda and seats himself next to Ten.

               Renjun reaches across Ten’s lap to grab some popcorn from the bowl and shoves some in his mouth before giving a wide open-mouthed grin to show off the popcorn and the other two boys laugh before Ten shoves his face away.

               “Okay, serious time Injunnie, we have to hear what Tennie has to tell us,” Chenle muses and snatches the popcorn back from Renjun’s reaching hands. He grabs the remote and pauses the movie, which makes Ten almost regret what he’s about to say, but he shakes his head and lets himself breathe for a moment and then fumbles with his hands.

               “Wait, where is everyone else?” Ten asks quickly.

               “Mark-hyung and Hyuck are in the states, Nana is hanging out with Jeno-ah at the Han and Jisungie is off filming something. It’s just us two here tonight,” Renjun explains and gives a little huff at the end which causes Chenle to laugh. “Hey, I’m not bad company,” he protests and gives a little shove to Renjun.

               They quiet down and Ten takes in another almost deep breath, “Okay, so I like Taeyong-hyung. But not just as my hyung. I like him like Xuxi likes food,” Ten explains, voice quiet, still not looking up from his thumbs which he’s picking at absentmindedly.

               “So, you want to eat him a lot?” Chenle asks, his face dead serious for a few moments before breaking into one of his characteristics ‘dolphin laughs’. Ten’s face heats up significantly and he gapes open mouthed at the young boy. “Okay, maybe that wasn’t the best comparison,” Ten stutters out but joins in on laughing with the two boys.

               “Alright, so you like Taeyong-hyung. Is that all?” Renjun asks after a few moments. He’s facing Ten now, with a soft, concerned but serious look. Like he wants to ask more but he’s not one to pry, that’s one of the good things about Renjun, he takes what is given and doesn’t question things. He’s a great friend because of it, but sometimes it makes people think he’s disinterested and cold, but Ten knows that’s just how he is.

               Ten debates for a moment, whether to tell them about the ‘almost kiss’ in Thailand and decides it’s better to tell the whole story, he wouldn’t want anything to come up later and surprise anyone.  “I almost kissed him too. In Thailand. Everything was going fine for those first couple of days. We were so busy and worried about promoting everything perfectly, and we also had to put on a show for the recording diary, so it was lots and lots of acting and we were both always so tense after the cameras were off us. So, we drank at night, every night. Not heavily because you know how Tae gets,” Ten explains, dropping formalities because there’s no point, it’s just them there. “The last night we were there, the night before departing back home here, we might have drunk… a little more than we were supposed to. I don’t know why I let it happen, but then one moment we were lying there and the next minute he said something – I don’t even remember what it was – and then we both well, you know how kissing works and right before it almost happened I realized what was happening and ran away. I mean literally ran away. I asked for another hotel room and everything guys. Do you know how embarrassing that was? To wake up in a whole different hotel room, not knowing why and then having Tae not speak to me off camera the whole way home?”

               “Well, that’s,” Renjun opens his mouth, closes it. Puts on a thinking face. Opens his mouth again but gets cut off.

               “But it wasn’t just you who went in for the kiss though? You just said he leaned in first,” Chenle speaks up, tightly clutching his forgotten peach soda.

               Ten stops. He did. Taeyong did lean in first. He hadn’t even realized it until retelling everything. “I guess he did yeah, but then the whole next day he didn’t speak to me and when we got back here he was acting strange and would be happy with me one moment, then pretend I didn’t exist the next. Then he took me out for breakfast, acting like nothing had ever happened. And now he’s in the states and I have no clue what to do.”

               “I know it’s the obvious thing to do, but have you considered talking to him?” Renjun questions gently. And of course, he’d suggest that.

               “And tell him I’ve probably loved him since our rookie days? No thanks. It’s not,” Ten huffs, thinking for the right explanation. “He’s the leader. He’s the visual. The center. Our golden boy. We’re both idols, with complicated lives, complicated schedules and complicated things expected of us. It’s not realistic. Even if he does feel the same way about me – which is highly unlikely – we couldn’t make it work.”

               Chenle narrows his eyes. “And how do you know that if you never try you _dummy._ ” Chenle adds that last word in his native tongue but Ten knows exactly what he means because Chenle himself taught him that word.

               “Well I don’t but why should I?” Ten complains, and he knows he sounds like a petulant child, but he can’t help it because he knows he’s wrong.

               Renjun just frowns sadly at him and pulls Ten’s head to his shoulder. “Oh you big dumbass, anyone would be lucky to be with you. And I think maybe if you just have a full on adult conversation with Taeyong-hyung you might come to an understanding or something. But you have to talk. Like real people. Not hide behind your feelings because then they’re likely to get hurt. It’s scary and I can’t imagine what you’re going through but people who talk through things, usually reach a conclusion, one way or another. And I think Taeyong would treat you kindly. So don’t let your fear of whatever stop you from getting the love you deserve okay?”

               Ten didn’t know those words could come out of Renjun. They were surprisingly deep and well thought out and Ten had a feeling that maybe Renjun had lied about not understanding Ten. He thinks those word could only be spoken from experience but he isn’t going to say anything. “Thank you Injunnie. I really do love you guys too okay?”

               The two younger boys give him matching grins before piling on top of him, effectively squishing him against the couch in retaliation from earlier. “Let’s watch this movie now so I can get out of my feelings,” Ten manages to tell them from underneath the small dogpile.

               “Oh, well then we picked the wrong movie,” Chenle voices from above him. He pulls away from Ten first, righting himself on the couch and grabbing the snacks from earlier he set on the floor.

               Renjun gives Ten a sympathetic look once he’s sitting as well and reaches for the remote to press play. Ten can only fake cry as the opening credits for ‘Train to Busan’ play because of course the kids would want to watch this sad ass zombie movie. Ten couldn’t catch a break.

               “Do you two know any other movies? It’s the third time this month you’ve watched it!” Ten dramatically yells and lets his head fall back on the couch, pretending to die.

               “You know how Injunnie is obsessed with this movie, it’s not likely to change any time soon hyung,” Chenle laughs quietly and passes Ten the popcorn.

               They watch the movie and Ten cries through nearly the whole thing despite this having been the fourth time he’s seen it.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> comments and questions appreciated <3  
> i also had to include train to busan cause its literally my favorite movie thanks


	4. it's all just luck, lucky love

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> again, if there's any inaccuracies, let me know please ! i dont have a beta reader so i'd appreciate any help

               Despite the amazing advice he received from everyone about Taeyong, Ten has yet to say anything and has instead reverted to doing exactly what he was doing before. This included dance practice every day from 5am till about 7pm, Chinese and Korean lessons on the weekends all day, vocal lessons every other day and sleeping somewhere in between all that.

               His problem – Taeyong – had been back for about half a week now and Ten has spent those four days completely ignoring him and everyone else again. He feels terrible ignoring his friends, but they all give him sympathetic looks on the off chance they see him actually at the dorms of practice rooms. It’s not like he’s doing it completely on purpose. This life is all he’s known and he only wants to be better. If he’s not practicing then he feels as if he’s wasting his time. His knee injury took so much of life away from him, caused him to think he’d never be a successful idol. He’d never dance on the same stage as Taemin. He’d never make it. So, he works to prove them wrong. To prove himself wrong.

               This is why he’s lying on his back, spread eagle, on the hardwood floors of the dance practice room, trying to catch what little breath he has. He’s been here since five in the morning and it was nearing six at night. He felt a bit ridiculous, not having noticed any time was passing but he just needed to nail this last move and he told himself he could go home. He’s been trying to nail that move for about an hour now, to no avail. His knee won’t turn the right way and it began to hurt to the point where he had to get the brace out of his bag and pull it on in support.

               His white shirt is sweat soaked and see-through, and he’s sure his pants aren’t any better though minus the see-through part. He feel’s like he’s just gone swimming. His instructor was there for the first couple of hours, but she left at around noon, telling him he should probably take it easy, but he of course ignored her.

               It was his favorite thing. The way he felt nothing as he danced. No. Not nothing. He felt the music. He loved the way that felt. The way everything else deserted his mind. That’s what he felt. The absence of feelings. It was the only time he had a one-track mind and although he wasn’t proud of it, he could ignore everything by dancing away his problems basically.

               The song ‘I’m Not Sorry’ plays in the background while Ten’s chest heaves. He’d been using the song as a way to dance more aggressively and with a bit more sensuality. His choreographer had told him it was unnecessary but he needed this. It was one of the things he knew he lacked. He was a smooth dancer, but sometimes his bubbly personality held back a more aggressive stage presence like a certain someone had.

               That very same song is turned down and Ten blinks in surprise and sits up to see none other than the asshole he’s been trying to avoid.

               “You’ve been here too long.” It’s not said with any malice, more like an observation, but the look on Taeyong’s face is that of disappointment.

               “And what about it?” Ten asks without getting up. He’s quite content to sit on the floor and not deal with the other man.

               Taeyong raises an eyebrow, his face dropping any sort of disappointed look and instead he just appears blank. It’s unnerving. “You’re going to work yourself to death. When is the last time you ate?”

               “This morning.”

               “Liar.” Ten’s head snaps up from where he had been glancing at the space between his legs. He’s sitting in a butterfly pose pretending to stretch. “I saw you leave this morning. You were trying to be quiet and slip out without anyone noticing. I’m always the first up.”

               “You’re not my mother. I can eat whenever I want. You don’t have to babysit me Taeyong-sshi,” Ten bites back, adding the more formal ending hoping that maybe Taeyong will leave so he can hide in his embarrassment alone.

               The song plays in the background, not really helping either of their moods. Ten is angry at Taeyong. That he knows. But he isn’t quite sure why. Maybe it’s himself he’s mad at, for being so childish and avoiding the older man. Maybe he’s mad at his own cowardice – or at Taeyong’s inability to see that he’s breaking Ten’s heart just by existing.

               It’s tense. It’s awkward and unsettling and all things Ten wishes it wasn’t. The song ends and then the studio is quiet. Ten is still sitting on the floor, cross-legged now, with Taeyong standing close to the speakers, arms crossed.

               “Are you here to force me to eat? Cause it won’t work,” Ten voices a little harsher than intended.

               “No,” Taeyong’s voice is surprisingly soft despite the look on his face. “I just don’t like seeing you work yourself like this. I care about your health and how it affects the group.” There it is. ‘How it affects the group’. Because of course Taeyong only came in here on behalf of NCT as a whole.

               Maybe Taeyong could see the way Ten’s face falls, just slightly, even though he’s trying his hardest to keep it blank. “I mean –” Taeyong takes a few steps forward and goes to reach out, maybe to touch Ten or something, but he pulls his hand back and runs it through his hair instead. “I meant, I’m just concerned about you. Is all. I don’t like seeing _you_ like this. I’m sorry, I – I’m bad at words.”

               Ten cracks a small smile despite himself, seeing Taeyong “Mr. Serious Face”, flustered is one of the things that always made him grin. “I’m bad at words too. I’m sorry for snapping,” Ten apologizes. He lets out some of the tension in his shoulders, not realizing the weight he had been carrying being angry at his friend. “Maybe I can take a break to get something to eat with you,” Ten suggests and stands, brushing off the backs of his legs. Taeyong humms and gives a small close-mouthed grin before walking backwards a bit towards the door. “Only if you pay!” Ten shouts and rushes past Taeyong out of the dance studio door with a grin. He hears Taeyong’s footsteps behind him and pushes down the urge to say something soon. It’s not the time. Things still aren’t right with them. He wants to let them have this. This little thing and maybe Ten can be okay with that for a while.

            Ten decided the best thing to do was not acknowledge the elephant in the room - well the ramen place they were currently hiding in. He just wanted to spend some time with Taeyong and ignore all the unspoken words between them. He thinks he owes himself this one night. 

               “How have things been?” Taeyong asks quietly from next to him. They’re sitting at the bar like counter, arms both crossed and their chins resting on their hands. It’s almost comical how in sync they are sometimes. 

               Ten quirks an eyebrow at Taeyong’s attempt at small talk and his brain really must not be working because he wants to cut off his head at his next words. “Oh is this a date? We’re doing small talk now?” 

               The other man surprisingly doesn’t play it off, just laughs and shakes his head. “I’ve been great thank you for asking Ten-ah. My trip to the states was very fun but I felt lonely. I just felt like something was missing.” A look passes across his face, probably remembering something that happened on their trip. “You watched the performance yah?” And Ten finds it really hard not to grin at the endearing look that crosses Taeyong’s features. 

               “Sorry, sorry. I don’t know what got into me,” Ten sputters out, his face obviously turning red. He very pointedly avoids Taeyong’s face and focuses on the colorful counter in front of him. He sees the reflection of the various pink and blue neon signs reflecting on the glass and he drags his finger across the words tracing them. “Yeah the performance was great. As always. You’re always great Tae.” 

               He’s saved from embarrassment at the nickname by their ramen being delivered. Taeyong thankfully doesn’t bring up the nickname while they eat. Ten got the spiciest ramen they had because he was hoping his tongue would burn off and he wouldn’t say anything dumb. Unfortunately, the damage had already been done and now his mouth is gonna be on fire because he decided to be dumb. 

               Taeyong notices he’s not really eating his ramen, more just poking around and taking a few small bites. “Do you want to trade?” If he’s not imagining things, Ten thinks that maybe Taeyong’s voice sounded a little embarrassed. 

               Ten looks up from his ramen and sees a shy look on Taeyong’s face and it causes his heart to skip a beat and he hates himself for it. It’s one of the things that caused him to fall for Taeyong in the first place. The older boy always cared for others first and would pretend like it wasn’t a huge deal. That was how large his heart was, it was like a second nature of Taeyong to care. 

               “You’re always looking out for me,” Ten whispers and knocks his shoulder against Taeyong’s and switches their ramen. “Thank you,” He pauses and makes eye contact with Taeyong again, the latter looking even more shy if possible, “I’m serious.” Taeyong just nods, a soft close-mouthed grin forming on his lips before he begins to eat the spicy ramen. 

               Once the ramen is finished they sit in silence for a moment, cleaning their little mess and Ten sneaks a few glances at Taeyong while he can. The ramen shop isn’t well known, and kind of in a sketchier area, so they’re less likely to be recognized and Ten is half glad for this and half not on account of having more alone time with Taeyong, but also the fear of having more alone time with Taeyong.

               He notices the reflection of the pink neon sign in the white parts of Taeyong’s eyes, and – oh. Oh. He’s been staring into Taeyong’s eyes for the past minute without saying a thing. The realization hits him and he grunts awkwardly and forces his gaze away, looking back down at his hands he’s now begun to have an intense fascination with.

               “Why do you do that?”

               Ten glances up at this, not really wanting to look Taeyong in the eyes, he looks at the scar just below his right eye instead. “Hmm?” He questions, hoping he’s managing nonchalance, though he’s pretty sure he’s not.

               “Ten, one day we need to talk. It doesn’t have to be today. But we need to talk sometime. You can’t keep doing this,” Taeyong voices softly, his hand reaching out to tilt Ten’s chin just a bit so their gazes lock. It’s a little too intense for Ten’s liking, the way Taeyong looks at him. That was the whole point of ignoring his gaze. Because he knew, just staring at Taeyong for too long could cause him to do stupid things. He couldn’t afford to be stupid at a time like this.

               “I don’t want to speak about it any further. I just want to enjoy this time with you. Can we do that?” Taeyong cuts in again, voice so soft and quiet despite them being the only ones in the store. He lets go of Ten’s chin but not before giving his jaw a little brush of his thumb and a fond smile. It’s all too much and Ten forces his face down again, not letting his warm cheeks give anything away.

               “Yeah, we can do that,” Ten replies just as soft and puts on a small smile although Taeyong can’t see it.

               They throw away their trash and bid goodbye to the sole worker who looks bored out of his mind, mindlessly flipping through a magazine behind the counter. He doesn’t wave back but grunts his acknowledgement.

               For a few minutes they walk in silence, just content to enjoy the night and quiet sounds of the streets. Their masks are both on just in case, but Ten thinks it’s pointless, it’s late and dark. No one could probably recognize them. He takes his mask off and slips it into his back pocket, then slides his hands in his own hoodie pockets. A nervous habit. Or maybe he’s just avoiding the urge to reach out and take Taeyong’s hand.

               “You wanna go to the river?” Taeyong breaks the silence and Ten notices he too, took off his mask and Ten maybe wishes he didn’t because the small genuine smile Taeyong gives him nearly takes his heart out.

               “The Han? Isn’t that a little far away?”

               “I can call for a car. Manager-hyung doesn’t have to know,” Taeyong says while pulling out his phone and looking up a number for a car to pick them up. Ten doesn’t put up much argument besides, “Remember what happened last time we said ‘manager hyung doesn’t need to know’?”

               Both of them collectively remember the events of that day and blush a little too much. Ten finds that he regrets ever having existed because of course he had to bring up that awkward day. The day when he told Taeyong to imagine having sex with someone to dance better, because of course he had to go and say something like that.

               “It’s just the Han, how bad can it be? We’re just going to be walking around. Even if Dispatch finds us somehow, what are they going to do?” Taeyong says quietly while waiting for the other person on the phone to pick up.

               “I mean –” Ten begins but Taeyong holds up a finger, urging him to be quiet.

               “Yeah, I’ll need a car. Mhmm. I’ll send the location yes. Thank you,” he explains and then hangs up with a small sigh after texting the addresses. “There’s been worse things to happen Tennie. We’re just walking. C’mon,” Taeyong grabs both of Ten’s hands in his and does a little hopping dance with a giant fake grin plastered on his face, “Where’s your fun side Tennie?”

               Ten raises an eyebrow but pulls one of his hands out of Taeyong’s grip to cover his mouth as he laughs. “Haven’t you heard? I’m no fun anymore. I’m taking Jeno-ah’s place.” He laughs again when the joke causes Taeyong to crack up. He notices Taeyong still hasn’t let go of his other hand and he savors the feeling for as long as he can. The feeling of belonging finally.

               “I’m telling him you said that when we drop you off back at the dorms,” Taeyong laughs and jumps away when Ten reaches out to hit him on the shoulder. The pair of them running around in circles trying to hit each other while laughing the whole time.

               The car pulls up a few minutes later and Taeyong spots it first, grabbing Ten’s wrist and pulling him towards it, their driver opening the back door for them and the pair send him a smile before climbing in. Taeyong releases his wrist when they begin to pull away and Ten frowns at the loss of warmth.

               “You’re right, I think Jeno-ah is more fun than you,” Taeyong laughs wildly and gives Ten another shove, which causes the pair to slap each other for a few minutes, pretending to fight but laughing the whole time and eventually collapsing into giggles that made Ten think about how the poor driver had to deal with all this and keep a straight face. This time of night the streets were slightly less trafficked than normal and they were able to make it in a little under thirty minutes.

               Taeyong paid the driver as they climbed out and tipped him a bit generously – probably because of how they were acting in the back – and the pair stood awkwardly under a group of trees. Ten wasn’t sure again what they were doing here, or why Taeyong said they should come out here, but the air was a little stiff between them now, both realizing this really did look like something more than just a walk.

               “Hey, let’s just walk right? Isn’t that what you wanted to do?” Ten finally manages to say, which is surprising considering Taeyong has been standing there staring at him for a minute. It was making him feel things.

               Taeyong snaps out of it at Ten’s words and runs his hands through his hair a few times, pushing his bangs back and letting out a breath. “Yeah,” Taeyong lets out another breath and stares up at the night sky, “Yeah, let’s walk. You can tell me what you’ve been working on, locked up in he studio all those days yah?”

               So, they do. They walk, hands hanging limply by their sides, Ten fighting himself on whether he should just take the other boys hand, but the other half thinking about the consequences. He wishes his brain would just shut up at times like this. Let him give himself what he wants for once.

               Ten explains the dances he’s been working on and how his knee has been acting up slightly, not afraid to tell Taeyong about this because he knows he’ll still treat him the same.

               “You’d tell me if it gets worse right?” Taeyong asks suddenly, reaching out a hand to clasp the inside of Ten’s elbow, causing the pair to stop walking. “Because I don’t want –” he begins to say something else but shakes his head and taking in a breath, “I wouldn’t want to see ou push yourself to the point of re-injury. You already had surgery for that and another one could end your career, you know that right?”

               Ten frowns at the sudden seriousness of the topic, “I know that. I know. Let’s talk about something else okay?”

               Taeyong doesn’t let go and mirrors Ten’s frown, “Would you tell me?”

               “Of course I would.” _I’d tell you anything. I’d tell you what I feel if I wasn’t a coward._ “You’re the leader. I kinda have to tell you about anything that’s wrong.” And of course his big dumb brain had to add that because Taeyong’s face falls for a split second before he plasters on a strained smile.

               “Good to know,” it’s short and seemingly forced. This is why Ten doesn’t try and talk. His words always come out wrong.

               Taeyong lets go of Ten’s arm like it burns him and he walks forward, not waiting on Ten. He wants to rush forward, in drama like fashion, and grab Taeyong and pull him close and complete that kiss they almost shared and confess everything right then and there. But he can’t. His feet and his words fail him and instead he finds himself simply catching up to Taeyong and walking beside him in that same tense silence they arrived in.

-

 

               They were out to dinner. A place Ten used to eat at when he lived here. They’d unfortunately been told they’d have to record their time for the vlog, and there were some scripted moments but for the most part they were supposed to ‘act natural’.

               “What would you recommend since you’ve eaten here before?” Taeyong asks from beside him, the napkin still balancing on his head. The whole image is very hilarious to Ten and he finds himself hiding his laugh behind his hand which causes Taeyong so shoot him a very inquisitive look but it doesn’t last long. The pair end up laughing together, Ten’s head falling onto Taeyong’s shoulder and the cloth napkin falling from the older boy’s head onto Ten’s.

               They only stop laughing because one of their managers shoots them a deathlike glare and mouths for them to act like adults. Taeyong nods along with Ten but the moment their manager turns to speak to some waitstaff, Ten sees Taeyong rolls his eyes and stick his tongue out which causes the pair to crack up again.

               “You’re gonna get us in trouble,” Ten whispers and knocks his knee into Taeyong’s before steeling his features as their manager turns to face them again.

               Ten reads over the menu just in case they’ve gotten anything new and upon making his decision, points it out to Taeyong. “That’s what I always get. I think you’d like it but if you’re looking for something else, these are good too,” he says pointing at a few of the options on Taeyong’s menu.

               “I’ll have what you’re having then, since it comes recommended so highly,” Taeyong says softly with a hint of laughter at the end and Ten rolls his eyes fondly.

               The server comes up to ask them if they’re ready and Ten explains the order and upon seeing their manager’s glare yet again, orders waters for them to drink instead of actual alcohol. It’s okay though. They’ll just order more to their room.

               Finally, their manager leaves to take a phone call, and Ten and Taeyong have a slight bit of privacy. He thinks he can physically feel the tension leave the room. It’s not that their manager is a bad guy, he’s just very strict on their image and the way they act, though sometimes to the point where it gets annoying that they have to watch every single little action they do.

               “How was it living here?” Taeyong asks out of the blue, leaning back in his chair a slight bit and turns to face Ten, a relaxed look on his face.

               “Hot. Sweaty. The same as Seoul but I actually am confident in myself when I speak. I know what’s going on and I don’t second guess myself. But also very,” Ten answers honestly, but pauses to think of the right words, “Repetitive. Monotonous. I guess boring sometimes. You know the way your homeplace gets when you’ve lived there your whole life.”

               Taeyong’s face morphs into that of understanding and he gives Ten a little nod, but says nothing, urging him to continue.

               “I really love my homeland, I do. I’ve accomplished some great things here, and I’m proud to call it my homeplace. But I think,” he pauses again, still a little unsure of what he’s about to say, “I think Seoul is my home now.” It’s the first time he’s voiced it out loud and he feels slightly ashamed of admitting it, but everything he has is in Seoul now. His family is back here, and his past, but his future is in Seoul with Nct.

               Taeyong seems to sense the slight sad tone Ten took on and he reaches a hand out to place it on Ten’s thigh in a comforting manner. Ten stares hard at the tanned hand squeezing his leg and pointedly avoids Taeyong’s eyes.

               “I can’t imagine what leaving Seoul and moving to another place, having to learn a new language and a whole different culture would feel like. It’s a lot to go through, I bet. But I’m proud of you, you’ve come a long way,” Taeyong’s voice is so sincere and full of affection that it causes Ten to glance up and meet his eyes. It’s hard to look away, the way Taeyong stares at him, he would have thought he’d hung the stars or something.

               Thankfully he’s saved from whatever he was about to say – something he probably would regret later – by their server bringing out their smaller appetizer dishes and they eat without speaking. Ten got a soup and Taeyong got some kind of boiled seafood, Ten isn’t sure what it was because he was too focused on how amazing his soup was.

               “Taeyong-hyung, taste this,” he holds out his spoon without thinking and brings it up to Taeyong’s mouth, the latter bringing his hand up to hold Ten’s steady and guides the spoon into his mouth, humming around it in delight at the taste. Ten feels the spoon vibrate just slightly and his face heats up at the realization that he is yet again feeding Taeyong in front of the entire restaurant and management team.

               He pulls his hand away and plays it off with a laugh, “See wasn’t it good?” Another laugh. He’s really not making himself look any better.

               Taeyong gives him a strange look but nods with a half-formed grin and asks, “Do you want any of mine?” Ten shakes his head, probably best not to feed each other.

               Their manager is back and sits across from them, probably to make sure there aren’t any shenanigans and they just eat. Unfortunately, they have to film some stuff for the vlog and Ten goes into an explanation about the various foods and they talk into the camera about nothing in particular. It’s boring. It’s expected of them and half of it is scripted. But they plaster on grins and roll with it because that’s what they do. That and their manager could probably tear them a new one, so their best option is to listen.  

               They arrive at the hotel with a little difficulty. The press was waiting for them outside of the restaurant, which apparently was the call their manager had to take. There were pictures snapped of them for a solid couple of seconds as they forced their way into the car and even some of them inside the car before their driver managed to pull away. The whole affair had Taeyong in a bad mood and Ten sympathized with him. Sometimes, despite being used to the idol life, it got annoying not even being able to enjoy a dinner without being found out.

               Ten and Taeyong completely ignore their managers words, both too exhausted and frustrated to actually listen to what he’s telling them. He says one last thing that sounds like ‘no trouble’ and points a very angry finger at them. On their way to the room, Taeyong does various dramatic re enactments of their manager and his finger point to the point where they’re both clutching their stomachs when they enter the room.

               There’s still some snacks left from the first night and Ten grabs some on his way by, making sure to grab the pocky because he’s really been craving chocolate. He plops down onto their plush bed and buries his face in one of the pillows, letting out a groan at the feeling of finally being off his feet and on a soft surface. “Taeyong, I think I can die happy now. This bed. Is. So. Amaing.” He drops the formalities now that it’s just them and spreads his arms out like he’s making a snow angel.

               “I think mine back at the dorms is better but this one is pretty good,” Taeyong’s voice calls from somewhere in their room and Ten glances up to see the other boy standing by the window taking off his jewelry from the day. He’s got the blinds open and he’s staring out at the city, the reflection of the various neon lights illuminating some of his features and Ten finds it oddly difficult to breathe in this situation.

               Taeyong turns back to face Ten, a smirk on his face as he slips off a watch he had been wearing and sets it on the side table before walking over to the bed. He doesn’t lie down yet, just stares down at Ten with a strange look on his face and Ten can’t bring himself to break their eye contact. He sucks in a small breath and opens his mouth to say something, but stops when Taeyong looks away, back towards the window and begins unbuttoning the white shirt he had on.

               This time Ten does stand up, he’s not sure what is going through his mind, if anything is going through his mind. He crawls over to the side of the bed and rolls off to stand up next to Taeyong, still not really sure what he’s doing.

               “Taeyong, I –”

               A knock at the door forces him to jump back and only then does he realize how stupid he was about to be. How ridiculously out of his mind he almost was.

               “Gentlemen, I’m coming in.” It’s their manager.

               Taeyong stares at Ten for a moment, eyes wide, hands still fixing the buttons of his shirt, re-buttoning them. Ten decides the best option is for him to just sit back down on the bed and pretend to be occupied with the snacks.

               Their manager steps into their bedroom and scoffs immediately at the pair. “I told you guys to prepare for a live? Did neither of you listen?” His tone is harsh but moreso tired and probably annoyed at constantly being ignored.

               The pair glance at each other, then back at their manager, then back at each other and let out laughs. Their manager just lets out a defeated sigh, “Please get dressed appropriately and be out in the living room in five. It’ll be a short live where you’ll recap what you did and say goodnight.” He leaves after giving another disappointed look.

               “Well, I guess I need to change,” Taeyong says trying not to laugh, though he can’t stop the wide smile on his face. Ten thinks their manager will have an aneurysm because of them one day.

               “Well, I guess I need to too,” comes Ten’s response and the pair fall into another bout of laughter, both probably ignoring what almost happened. Things aren’t awkward though as they rake through their suitcases looking for clothes, they’ve changed in front of each other before and it’s not any more surprising as it normally it. Ten doesn’t have some awakening. He’s seen Taeyong’s body, which is impressive, but at the moment he’s a little too distracted by the thought of doing a live.

               They manage to make it into the living room within five minutes and get everything kinda situated. Their manager gives them a slightly less disapproving look than normal and the pair look at the camera waiting for the live to start.

               It’s already off to an awkward start; them being informed the live had already started and they had been playing around. Then Ten had to go and actually rub Taeyong’s neck and make everything mildly uncomfortable for them again. It was sort of a train-wreck but thankfully being around Taeyong could keep him in a giddy mood and it wasn’t terrible on their part, just very random.

               The worst thing was nearing the end Ten felt himself hit with a sudden wave of exhaustion and he started to slip up, not even caring if his gazes lingered too long or if he looked too fond. His tired brain couldn’t find any excuse to stop staring at a sleepy Taeyong.

               Manager-hyung signals for the end of the live and they bid their goodnights and Ten ignores the looks sent to them.

               “I’m sorry hyung, I’m so tired. I’ll apologize in the morning, I’m going to bed,” Ten cuts his manager off before he speaks and the other man waves his hand in dismissal apparently giving up and turns to talk to Taeyong who looks just about as dead on his feet as Ten felt.

               He makes his way into their bedroom, falling back on the bed and lies there for a moment before pulling out his phone and scrolling mindlessly, waiting for Taeyong to get back.

               Ten doesn’t have to wait long. Taeyong stumbles in and closes the door, effectively blocking out their manager and the sounds of everyone leaving their hotel room.

               “Wanna drink?” It’s not what he expects Taeyong to say immediately after stepping in, but he supposes it’s not a terrible idea.

               Ten quirks an eyebrow and drops his phone on his chest, letting out a yawn. “Sure,” he pauses, still giving Taeyong a questioning look, “Any reason? Or you just feel like getting wasted?”

               “It’s our last night here. I mean I know we’re both tired, but why not go out with a bang?”

               And go out with a bang they did. Taeyong called room service to bring them a probably unhealthy amount of alcohol and they drank and drank and drank until both were hammered. They laughed about nothing, then laughed about that.

               So now here they were. Lying in the bed. All the lights off, save for a lamp. Facing each other, still laughing at something dumb the other said. Ten knew Taeyong was a lightweight and he was a little scared about the amount of alcohol they had, but in this moment, he couldn’t find himself to care. He had Taeyong in bed with him and he was going to kiss him.

               He knows it’s a bad idea. Logically it’s terrible. He _knows_ this. But that drunk part of his brain. That evil part. It’s begging his brain to shut up and do what he’s wanted to do for so long. So, when Taeyong stops laughing for a slight moment, Ten knows he needs to decide soon. He thinks back to their rookie days. When they had to pretend to be boyfriends because they lost the game. He thinks about how the rest of the group had been yelling ‘kiss him, kiss him’. He thinks about how he almost did. He almost slipped up. The evidence of that on camera for all the world to see.

               He doesn’t think when things grow silent and the only sound Ten hears is his beating heart. He doesn’t think he’s as drunk as he thought he was. He doesn’t think.

               “Ten.”

               It’s whispered. Taeyong’s eyes are searching his and maybe they both aren’t as drunk as they thought. But Taeyong is staring into his eyes and they’re too close and too quiet. He looks like he wants to say something else, but his eyes dart down and then back up to Ten’s eyes and Ten can’t think.

               Ten blinks. It’s slow motion. The way Taeyong moves towards him, the way he moves towards Taeyong.  His eyes close automatically and he feels Taeyong’s breath ghost across his lips and that’s when it hits him. He jerks back and nearly falls off the bed in the process. Unable to look Taeyong in the eyes he stumbles out some lame excuse, “I uh – I. Teeth. I gotta brush my teeth. I left the water running and manager-hyung would be so –” with every word he’s taking a step back out of the room and he accidently slams his shoulder into the wall causing him to fall a bit. “I actually think he’s calling right now. Better uh, go,” his voice breaks at the last word as he runs out of the room, completely ignoring the dejected look on Taeyong’s face.

               He doesn’t even realize what he’s doing, the alcohol still clouding his brain and causing him to stumble drunkenly down the hall to their managers room. He knows he fell onto the door and the next morning he woke up completely alone in a separate room. No Taeyong. No manager. Nothing.

               His phone rings – it’s his manager – and he’s told to be up and ready to go in ten minutes. They need to film a bit more for the vlog on their way home and then they’d officially have a day’s break.

               Except when he does get ready and meet Taeyong in the lobby, the other boy doesn’t so much as look at him. Ten tries to grab his attention subtly, so the cameramen and staff don’t take notice but Taeyong is apparently very good at ignoring people.

               They film a few words. They’re awkward but they’re good actors so they manage to look natural but the moment the camera is turned off Taeyong puts in his headphones and slumps down in the seat to sleep. Ten realizes he probably did something really stupid the previous night and he’s got a small inkling of what could have happened. If he’s right, he might as well throw himself into the Han and cease to exist.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i feel like ten is really dramatic, and im really dramatic so he may be a bit out of character, as well at taeyong but its not that deep


	5. but that don't make love weak, it's unique

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> its 2:39 am rn for me and i just finished this so, any mistakes are mine. anything that doesn't make sense is also my fault. uh im a very soft person so this chapter got away from me a bit and was a little too indulgent

               It’s been about a week since Ten went with Taeyong on their ‘not a date but kind of a date’ to the Han and things have been sort of okay between them. Or at least Ten thinks. But based on the way Taeyong can’t really meet his eyes whenever they’re around each other, they’re probably not as fine as they think.

 

               Taeyong smiles, sure. He laughs, dances around with the kids. He’s his normal self except, he’s not. Ten can tell and a few of the other members notice as well. Renjun’s voice keeps replaying in Ten’s head, telling him to just talk to Taeyong but he’s a coward. He doesn’t want to think about what happens next. If Taeyong returns his feelings, how do they work out a relationship within their complicated lives? If Taeyong doesn’t, how will they work together knowing there’s always going to be unrequited feelings and tension between the two?

 

               Thankfully Ten doesn’t have to think about anything because Taeyong is gone again, on another promotion trip, this time Ten didn’t bother asking where or for what – he’s been distracting himself by hanging out with the Dreamies. That and their own promotions, photoshoots and lessons for the upcoming China group. Ten is just surprised he’ll finally be promoting within another unit.

 

               “So…” Jaemin’s voice drags out. They’re all seated in the Dreamie’s living room watching a movie because they all have a day off along with Ten. Jaemin is squished against Jeno, half on top of him with Renjun on the other side of Jeno doing the same. Chenle’s head is lying in Ten’s lap, the both of them on the floor and Jisung is sitting on the other end of the couch away from the three 00 liners.

 

               A newer movie plays and some of them are focused on it but of course Jaemin is the first to break the silence. Ten absentmindedly scratches Chenle’s head like a cat, mainly because the younger boy always talks about how much he loves having his head scratched it’s too adorable for Ten to resist.

 

               “So…” Ten echos, acting nonchalant despite knowing exactly what Jaemin wants to talk about. Renjun filled the other Dreamies in when they got back so they all know of Ten’s dilemma. One of the scenes in the movie is eerily similar to Ten and Taeyong’s situation – only it’s sort of a love triangle, with a guy who is in love with his best friend who is due to be married to a woman. The pining best friend has a terminal illness and it’s his last wish to confess to his friend but he’s too afraid to. It’s all very sad but the OST is amazing so they watch it despite that.

 

               Collectively, all the 00’ liners swat the back of Ten’s head and he whips around to send them an astonished look. “Excuse you guys, I am your hyung –” he splutters out before giving them the stink eye.

 

               “You’re a coward is what you are,” Jeno chimes in when Ten refuses to acknowledge them any further.

 

               Ten could probably say something that would wipe that smirk of Jeno’s face but he reins himself in because he could never be that mean, but the thought does cross his mind. “Listen, I will. I’ll talk to him soon but just not right now.” He hates how weak his voice sounds, the way he tries to reassure himself but he knows he’s lying.

 

               The kids faces drop at this, feeling sympathetic towards their hyung because as much as they like to poke fun, this is also a serious matter.

 

               “Do you know what you’re going to tell him when you do?” This time it’s Jisung who’s asking his voice a little quiet and he has to clear his throat before he speaks.

 

               Ten starts to shake his head but a thought comes to him. “I guess I’ll just be honest. Just sit him down and explain my side. I won’t say anything about love right now because I don’t think he’ll be ready for that but, I’ll make sure it’s not just platonic you know?” His face warms, imagining the situation playing out in his head and he hopes the room is dark enough so the kids won’t make fun of him blushing like a little schoolkid.

 

               “You should do it when he gets back. That way he’ll be in a good mood,” Chenle suggests. Ten pats his head and sends him down a little smile. “Yeah, I guess I’ll do it then. I’ll just ask him to go on another walk at the Han.”

 

               At the mention of the word ‘another’, all the kids freeze and Ten realizes yet again where his big mouth got him.

 

               “Another walk hyung?” Jaemin asks, wiggling his eyebrows suggestively and Ten reaches back and smacks the younger boy’s knee.

 

               “Yes. We went just to talk about things and I guess clear our heads because he came and picked me up from the practice room –” Ten shoots another glare at the 00’ liners when they open their mouths, “– because I was in my mood. He told me I needed to eat. So, we got ramen and went for a walk is all. Then of course, being me, I had to go and ruin what I thought was going to be a moment.”

               Renjun’s eyes widen slightly, “Oh, so that’s why he’s been in a weird mood all week?”

 

               “You noticed?” Ten questions.

 

               “Of course we noticed. We all spend so much time together, I think we know when someone is being fake happy,” Jeno responds with a tone of ‘well duh’ and Ten would smack him for the tone if he wasn’t right.

 

               “So, what did you do?” Jisung asks, once again only wanting the drama. He smiles like he knows it too.

 

               “I don’t even know,” Ten shakes his head, “My knee has been hurting me lately. So, I was wearing the brace when we went out and he started asking me questions about it. Asking if I would tell him if it got bad and things like that. I told him ‘Yeah of course. You’re our leader after all’ and that’s when he kind of shut down.

 

               A groan can be heard collectively throughout the room. “Ten-hyung you’re really dumb sometimes. I’m just going to point that out,” Renjun reminds him and brings a hand up to smack his own face, shaking his head as well. “You know what he wanted you to say right?”

 

               “Uh… maybe?”

 

               Another groan sounds out and Ten narrows his eyes. “C’mon guys. Tell me then, since I’m so dumb.”

 

               “He wanted you to say something about you telling him personally, not cause he’s the leader but because you’re friends and you know he cares about you. Dummy,” Chenle explains in a matter of fact manner and well, Ten can’t disagree with him at that last word. He really takes the prize in being boo boo the fool.

 

               “Ah,” Ten sighs, glancing up at the ceiling thinking about how common sense that probably was. “Yeah. Hmm, okay guys. You win. All my children are smarter than me.”

 

               “We don’t claim you,” Jisung says at the same time Jaemin says, “It’s alright hyung we still love you.”

 

               Ten shoots Jisung a pretend glare, “Fine then. I see who I’m loved by.” He snuggles his head into Jaemin’s leg who pats his head gently and laughs.

 

               “Hey don’t forget me, dummy,” Chenle says pulling Ten’s hand down to place it in his hair – a sign he wants Ten to scratch his head again.  

 

               “Aren't we all forgetting about the movie right now?” Jeno announces, gesturing towards the TV which has, in fact, been playing the movie the whole time, no one having paused it.

 

               “Ah, Jeno no jams,” Jaemin declares and shoves Jeno into Renjun a bit and the three of them begin a shoving war that ends up lasting for about five minutes until Jisung reaches over to shove all three of them. “No jams already said we’re forgetting the movie and here you are doing it again,” he says with no real bite to his words. The three 00 liners stick their tongues out before curling into each other again and attempt to finish the movie silently.

 

               The movie ends with the best friend confessing at the wedding and collapsing in dramatic fashion. He wakes up in the hospital and the man he’s in love with has been told of the illness but there’s nothing he can do about it. They share a secret kiss before the best friend succumbs to the illness and passes away with the other man holding his hand, weeping silently.

 

               Ten thinks he really doesn’t like this movie and suggests they don’t watch it again. Thankfully all of the Dreamies agree to this and they put on another happier movie to fall asleep to.

 

-

               He wakes up with purpose this morning. Taeyong is supposed to be back from promotions today and Ten is literally psyching himself up, making himself ready to spill everything today. It’s been a week since the movie with the Dreamies and when he walks into the kitchen in the morning to see all of them sleepily walking around, getting ready for the day he feels okay. It’s grounding in a way. The world isn’t going to combust today. It’s just a normal day.

 

               Jaemin is cooking them something to eat, the rest of the kids either in the living room or helping Jaemin. None of them are really fully awake, some still have bedhead and their hair is sticking in all sorts of angles, Ten knows his is especially bad on account of how much he tossed and turned last night.

 

               “You look rough.” It’s said with a slight laugh by Renjun who is the last to join them all. He walks by Ten with a smirk on his face and immediately goes to Jaemin and hugs him from the back, “Nana… Nana… You know you’re my favorite right?”

 

               Ten can’t see Jaemin’s face but he knows what he looks like. “I’m not making pancakes this morning Injunnie. Go pester someone else,” it’s said with no bite but Ten sees Renjun’s face fall and the little pout he does.

 

               “Fine then. Jeno-ah is my favorite same age friend now,” he whines and lets go of Jaemin to attack Jeno who was helping Jaemin but is now trying to run away from Renjun’s open arms.

 

               “I have a knife in my hand Injunnie. Do you really want to try me right now?” Jeno reminds him, brandishing the knife and holding some type of fruit in his other hand, a wild look on his face. “I am pretty clumsy, so let’s not test that okay?” Renjun frowns and waits for Jeno to turn around and set the knife down to grab something else before he attacks him too with a back hug.

 

               Ten sees Jeno pat Renjun’s arms before the other boy lets go and ruffles both Jaemin and Jeno’s hair. Renjun turns to Ten with a devious look on his face and Ten accepts his fate as the younger boy comes over to cling to him, pulling him into the living room. “You’re really a big sap in the morning aren’t you huh? Putting on a front in all our Vlives yeah?” Ten questions with a little laugh as Renjun tugs him to the couch and snuggles up to Ten while watching Chenle and Jisung play something on one of the game consoles.

 

               He feels Renjun nod into his arm. “I need my morning hugs from everyone, you know this Tennie,” and Ten just lets out another laugh before ruffling Renjun’s hair and letting him fall asleep on his arm.

               When he’s with the Dreamies it reminds him of home just a bit. He gets to be the older brother again, content and warm just to spend time with all the kids.

 

               He drifts off to the background sounds of Jeno and Jaemin’s banter in the kitchen and the sounds of the Super Mario game being played in front of him. 

When the door unlocks and Mark and Haechan’s voices cut through everything, Ten wakes with a slight start. It’s late in the afternoon and he’s spent nearly his whole day napping. 

 

               “We’re back guys!” Mark calls out and Ten tries his best not to groan. Not at Mark but at the realization that talking to Taeyong today has just become a reality and not something his imagination conjured up.

 

               “Just for a visit though before we head back to the other dorms. We missed you little freaks so we decided to come say hey first,” Haechan reminds them all, breaking the little bit of love that as exuding from them all.

 

               Jaemin comes running from his room to tackle Haechan and it causes the other boy to almost drop all his things, thankfully one of his bags breaks their fall and the pair combust into laughter. “Don’t lie hyuckie, we know you missed us.” Jaemin’s words are muffled by Haechan’s hoodie as he snuggles his face into it.

 

               “Alright koala bear, off with you. Short visit remember? We have dance practice tonight so we have to get back soon,” Haechan tells him and Jaemin frowns but unlatches himself from the other boy and hugs Jeno who has conveniently come in at the right time to replace the missing boy.

 

               “You’ll always let me hug you right acorn?” Jaemin questions as he buries his face into Jeno’s shoulder who is just grinning with a mildly annoyed look on his face.

 

               Ten breaks all the talk, “Can I come back with you guys? I had to talk to Taeyong about something.”

 

               Mark nods, glancing around at the rest of the kids. “Just you?”

 

               Ten avoids eye contact with everyone because he knows exactly the look they’re giving him right now. “Yep, just me. It’s about practice.”

 

               “Is there something like, going on?” Mark’s voice is suspicious and he glances at the kids trying to get a reaction from them but thankfully, to Ten’s relief they’re all not looking at Mark. Though they’re not doing their best to hide their smirks.

 

               “Nope,” Ten lets his mouth pop on the ‘p’ sound and he bounces on his feet anxiously. “You mind if I just meet you guys in the car? I have to get dressed.”

 

               The two nod and Ten dismisses himself to his room and lets all the kids reunite again and have their own little Dreamie time without him.

 

               Once in his room, the nervousness really hits him. Because now he has to dress for a date but not obvious enough for a date that the others notice because they’d never let him live it down. He remembers the outfit he wore when he, Lucas, Jungwoo and Kun went roller skating and he figures it’s a good enough outfit except for this time instead of black shoes he pairs it with his light pink vans and a grey flannel. Of course, he checks himself over in the mirror about thirty times before he decides it’s an okay-ish outfit and he rushes out to meet the other two in the car.

 

               The Dreamies all wish him a collective good luck and he really kind of wants to throw up from nerves because it keeps hitting him – what he’s about to do. Renjun pulls him into an especially tight hug and he tries not to think about it. He doesn’t know what he’d do without the younger boy.

 

               “Taeyong-hyung is probably gonna be taking a nap. He didn’t sleep on the plane cause he was nervous,” Mark explains when Ten hops in the van.

 

               Ten nods, “That’s fine. I’ll wake him up. He can’t say no to me.”

 

               Mark and Haechan exchange a look that goes unnoticed to Ten who is currently wondering exactly why he said that.

 

               “Anyways,” Haechan begins, his voice drawing out, “We have tomorrow off as well so all of the hyungs suggested a theme park day. They invited you, Kun-hyung and Jungwo-hyung. Lucas-ah is coming back to the Dream dorms with us so Mark here is gonna watch all of us tomorrow and you’re free to go.”

 

               “Oh really? That’s nice but who is paying?” Ten questions.

 

               “Manager-hyung. He told Taeyong-hyung it was alright,” Mark answers and Ten is surprised. It’s odd that their manager would let all this happen and allow Ten to go especially since the thing he and Taeyong pulled with the Vlive but he doesn’t question it.

 

-

               They get to the dorms and it’s raining of course. It’s monsoon season and nearly every day it’s rained. Sometimes for hours on end, sometimes for a few minutes, so activities have been really difficult to plan unless they were indoor all day. It was one thing Ten added to his list of things to stress over today.

               Jaehyun and Johnny are the only ones in the living room when the trio walk in and they acknowledge them with a tired grunt – both being half asleep and leaning against each other on the couch with a drama playing on the TV at low volume.

               “Fun plane ride?” Ten asks them as he walks past and ruffles their hair with a gentle smile.

               Jaehyun mumbles something and reaches up to grab Ten’s hand, linking their fingers for a moment and giving a sleepy, soft smile. “Tennie,” he says groggily, eyes blinking open slowly, “I know you want to make me something to eat right now pretty please,” he asks, drawing out the ‘please’.He makes sure to show off his boy-ish grin – full dimples and all but it’s useless on Ten at the moment.

               “Sorry Hyunie, I’m spending the day with Taeyong,” Ten shakes their interlocked hands gently and lets go before giving a little smile. “I’ll make you food some other time. In fact why don’t you get sleepy-head over there to make you something?” He asks pointing at Johnny who shoots him a tired glare. 

               “You’re lucky I’m too tired to kick your ass right now. You think I have the ability to move, much less cook?” Johnny replies childishly, adding a pout for full effect.

 

               Ten just raises an eyebrow and gives them a shrug then heads through the hall into Taeyong and Johnny’s shared room. Mark was right, Taeyong is sound asleep, lying face down on top of his comforter, snoring lightly with his face half smooshed against the bed. It’s a familiar sight that causes Ten’s heart to speed up and he thinks it’s too quiet in the room and the sound of his heartbeat might wake up the sleeping boy. Though he’s going to have to wake him up regardless, he’d rather it not be out of his embarrassingly loud heart.

 

               He walks over to the bed, sitting carefully on the edge and reaches out to brush some of the hair away from Taeyong’s forehead, letting himself have this. He caresses his head a few more times, hoping to wake Taeyong this way. It’s a little domestic and Ten really can’t bring himself to be nervous at this because he feels like it’s something he should have been doing for a while now.

 

               “Tae,” he whispers. Brushes some hair back. “It’s Ten, here to wake you up sleepy-head.”

 

               “Mhmm. Five minutes.” The tiredness in his voice causes it to be deeper than normal but scratchy and somewhat childish at the same time and it causes Ten to give him a fond smile.

 

               It just slips out. Though maybe it was for the best. “Cute.” At the word, Taeyong’s eyes crack open just the slightest and he meets Ten’s gaze. For once Ten doesn’t look away, though his face feels like it’s on fire, he manages to be brave enough to look Taeyong in the eyes.

 

               That is also for the best because seeing Taeyong’s signature little smile causes Ten to feel like he might just explode with adoration. It’s overwhelming to think he caused Taeyong to smile like that.

 

               “You think I’m cute?” It’s one of the few times Ten has ever heard Taeyong sound unsure of himself. He doesn’t like being that cause of that.

 

               Instead of saying anything, Ten nods his head and brushes back Taeyong’s bangs again, letting his thumb stroke his temple lightly.

 

               The smile Taeyong returns, Ten can’t see because he turns his head into the bed again and lets out a giggle. A giggle. Ten might not make it to actually asking Taeyong on a date if he giggles like that again. He might really combust or do something else equally as embarrassing like faint.

 

               They sit for a moment, just the two of them quietly enjoying each other’s presence and Ten ignores all the nervousness and the way they acted towards each other the past couple of months and just lets himself enjoy these quiet moments with Taeyong.

               Taeyong is the one to break the silence though. “I don’t want to sound rude but why are you here?” His voice is sleep filled but he’s turned over in the bed, now letting his whole face show and he’s pulled a pillow under his head. Ten still hasn’t stopped brushing his hair back, just being stuck in the repetitive motion of it is soothing to him.

 

               “You wanna go get something to eat with me? I know you just got back but I’ve been wanting to ask you for a while,” Ten explains quietly.

 

               The older boy pushes his head forward, leaning into Ten’s hand for just a moment, eyes closed, a sleepy grin on his face. “Yeah, sure. Is that why you’re so dressed up?”

 

               Ten raises an eyebrow, not knowing what he means by dressed up, it’s not even that fancy of an outfit and he’s pretty sure his jeans are dirty.

 

               “Your shirt is unbuttoned a lot,” Taeyong says quietly, reaching his hand up to tug a bit on the two buttons on Ten’s shirt that are, indeed, undone, exposing a large part of his chest. His face warms considerably – he hadn’t noticed.

 

               “Do you want me to button them?” And that was a silly question. Ten’s hand stalls in Taeyong’s hair for a moment but he forces himself to continue, hoping Taeyong doesn’t notice the little stutter in his words.

 

               Ten wishes he wasn’t so embarrassing around Taeyong constantly. He just overthinks everything which causes him to forget the right words for things and then he grows clumsy and he’s honestly a mess but there’s nothing he can do about it.

 

               “No. You’re silly,” Taeyong gives a small laugh and pulls himself into a sitting position, Ten’s hand falling into his own lap. “Where did you want to go?” He asks, rubbing the sleep out of his eyes and yawning before running his hand through his hair which has honestly a little messed up from Ten.

 

               “That ramen place we went before you had to leave for promotions?” Ten questions in a small voice, avoiding Taeyong’s eyes. He hopes that in suggesting this place Taeyong doesn’t think about how their last trip was a little negative. Ten wants to change their memories of that time to happier ones tonight if he can.

 

               A look crosses Taeyong’s face quickly but he puts on a seemingly content face and looks at Ten. “Yeah, sure. Let me get dressed.”

 

               “It’s raining, so bring a rain coat. Which reminds me, can I borrow one of yours?” Ten asks with a sheepish look.

 

               Taeyong rolls his eyes but stands up with a smile and goes over to his closet and Ten notices he was wearing shorts and he thinks ‘cute’ again before looking away to save himself from any embarrassment.

 

               He tosses Ten a giant black windbreaker then grabs some clothes of his own and disappears into the bathroom to change, which is a little odd since they’ve changed in front of each other before but Ten tries not to think on that.

               Ten pulls on the windbreaker and scrolls through his phone while waiting for Taeyong who only takes a minute or so. He’s taken off his makeup and Ten thinks he’s still one of the most beautiful people he’s seen. Almost to the point where it’s not fair. He feels like he looks akin to a gremlin in comparison.

 

               “All ready to go? Did you tell the others in case they wanted to join?” Taeyong asks, and it’s so endearing to the point where Ten almost wants to ask the others because of course Taeyong’s first thought is to make sure everyone feels included. It’s the little things like this that made Ten realize he cares for Taeyong in more than just a platonic sense.

 

               “I was thinking it could just be us, for this once?”

 

               Taeyong’s head jerks up fast but whatever surprise he had on his face is gone in an instant as he plays cool. “Yeah, okay sure.” He pulls on his jacket too, of course looking effortlessly stunning in ripped black jeans and a plain white t-shirt. Again. Not at all being fair when it comes to looking beautiful.

 

               They walk out, shoulders touching just a bit, a slightly awkward air between them, mainly because of Ten. He’s growing more and more nervous as time passes and he’s pretty sure his heart is beating too fast to be healthy but it’s not like it’ll stop doing that any time soon.

 

               Jaehyun notices of course and gives Ten a knowing look, though his eyes are nearly closed, Ten still knows exactly what the look is for and if the other boy weren’t already almost asleep he’d smack him, but it’s too much effort at the moment.

 

               “Have fun,” Both Jaehyun and Johnny mumble at the same time and then give each other smirks which causes Ten to shoot them another glare and walk a little faster, pushing Taeyong out the door.

 

               Ten had already called for a car, their manager letting him know to be back no later than midnight even though they had tomorrow off. Thankfully Taeyong had the sense to grab an umbrella before they left the dorms completely – something Ten is eternally grateful for because he isn’t sure how a walk by the Han tonight would go if they didn’t have an umbrella.

 

               Taeyong gives the driver the address of the place and then plugs in his phone to play music while they ride. It’s some newer hip-hop songs that Ten hasn’t really heard yet but they’re fun and they keep the atmosphere light which is probably a good thing because Ten’s nerves are causing his palms to sweat and he really doesn’t want that.

 

               “Any reason you want it to be just us?” Taeyong asks quietly, a little too quietly which makes Ten want to pretend he didn’t hear it to save himself the trouble.

 

               “To uh, talk. Remember how you said we have to. Not that we have to because you said so but because I want to,” Ten rushes out quickly, trying to explain everything so he doesn’t pull the same thing he did last time.

 

               Taeyong gives him a look that borders on concerned but says nothing else the whole ride there and when they reach the ramen place Ten tells the driver not to worry about picking them up until late tonight. This causes Taeyong to give him another strange look but Ten pretends he didn’t see it.

 

               They order the same thing as last time except they switch it around because Ten knows better than to eat the super spicy noodles. He really doesn’t want to have an upset stomach tonight.

 

               Again, they eat in a similar fashion to last time. Ten slurping his noodles quietly while staring at the reflection of the neon pink lights, except this time it’s not the table he looks at but Taeyong’s face. He allows himself this: the small scar below Taeyong’s eye, the glint of pink and blue in his irises, his soft curving features accompanied by the sharp jawline and doe eyes. Ten allows himself to stare unabashedly and when Taeyong does glance over he doesn’t look away. He only smiles a shy smile and goes back to eating his ramen. He hopes he’s not making Taeyong too uncomfortable.

 

               “Are you not going to do the ‘thing’?” Taeyong’s voice sounds quiet through the sound of the pouring rain outside. Ten meets his eyes to see a slight sly smile playing on his lips, teasing Ten.

 

               Ten returns the sly grin with a look of confusion all his own. What is the ‘thing’? “What, hyung?”

 

               “The ‘thing’,” he makes air quotes around the word, “Where every time I catch you staring you look away and pretend you weren’t or you change the subject.” And well, Taeyong of course answers bluntly. It’s something Ten wishes he could do right now but he opts for his usual route of feigning innocence.

 

               He throws on a smirk and rolls his eyes, turning back to his ramen – doing the exact thing Taeyong literally just called him out for, but so what – “I have no clue what you’re saying. And even if I did stare, the only way you would catch me is if you were staring back.” There’s the no filter Ten apparently can’t seem to shut off.

 

               Taeyong, surprisingly, doesn’t answer. He blushes a deep color and plays it off with a laugh that’s a little too loud for the ramen shop despite the loud rain. “Mmm,” again, it’s not quite an answer but it’s also an answer within itself. Ten squints, staring at his ramen, deciding whether that dignifies a response. He decides he shouldn’t just yet. He doesn’t want to confess his feelings in a ramen shop while it’s raining. He’d much rather pull the more dramatic option and confess in the rain at the Han. Maybe he’s been watching too many dramas with the Dreamies, but his mind doesn’t think it’s a terrible idea.

 

               “Can we go now?” Ten doesn’t mean for it to come off as slightly impatient but he thinks if he waits any longer inside this store he might explode from nerves. In the back of his mind he still can’t believe he’s really going through with all of this, but one of them has to take the first step.

 

               Taeyong thankfully just gives a little huff of fake annoyance and rolls his eyes with a laugh before grabbing Ten’s ramen mess and cleaning it all up before they leave. He pulls Ten along by the wrist, waving goodbye to the lonely cashier who doesn’t wave back yet again and it’s all too similar to the last time they were here, except this time Ten thinks the night will end okay. He thinks his heart has waited long enough.

 

               This time the car is already waiting for them. This time Taeyong keeps ahold of Ten’s wrist, perhaps absentmindedly. Whatever reason, Ten is glad for this small difference from the last time. They talk less though, each content to stare at the rain out the window, the drops chasing each other as they roll across the glass. Some sort of OST plays in the background, their driver humming along quietly and the whole scene fills Ten with a sense of calmness – probably the first time he’s felt calm since realizing his feelings for the man sitting beside him. Whatever happens tonight, they had this moment, and that could be enough for Ten.

 

               “I don’t know why I’ve always hated the rain. It’s very comforting, I think I never realized this before,” Ten says just to break the silence really.

 

               Taeyong hums in response, tugging a bit at Ten’s wrist before breaking his gaze away from the window to glance at Ten. He tilts his head a bit and Ten is oddly reminded of a puppy. “I never thought about that, but I see what you mean,” he pauses for a moment, a soft smile playing on his lips and Ten feels his heart skip a beat. “It always makes me sleepy. I’m not sure there was a time where I was awake while it has rained.” And now that he mentions it, Ten thinks back to all the times Taeyong would fall asleep on someone at any given time it rained. A few times he remembers during their rookie days in the beginning, one of the first days he met Taeyong it was raining and the older boy had walked over to Ten, who had been lying on the floor of the training room, and lied across him, falling asleep almost instantly. They hadn’t even been that close during those times but Ten will always remember it because it was one of the first times he’d felt like maybe he would be okay being away from his home and thrown into this new world. He had someone who felt comfortable enough to sleep on him, despite them only knowing each other for a couple months or so.

 

               By the time Ten is pulled out of his thoughts, they’re at the river and he’s a jumbled mess. He hopes he doesn’t appear on the outside, how he feels in his head at the moment. He probably would scare Taeyong off, and that’s hard to do.

 

               Taeyong is the one to hold the umbrella, his other hand having let go of Ten’s wrist, though now their hands are sort of bumping gently as they walk. The rain has slowed into a light drizzle and the sound of it hitting the sidewalk is oddly satisfying to Ten. Because of the rain, the temperature has also dropped slightly and Ten laughs at the tiny breaths of air he puffs out, their little clouds. He glances over to see Taeyong gazing with a strange, almost fond look in his eyes and Ten really can’t handle it.

 

               “Taeyong hyung.” Taeyong tugs on Ten’s wrist to pull them both to a stop at the words, tilts the umbrella lower for some reason.

 

               “Tennie.” His voice is slightly rough and Ten can see his irises flicking back and forth, glancing everywhere around Ten’s face.

 

               And now is the moment. It’s now or never, truly. Is it funny that he can’t feel his hands? Are they supposed to feel numb? Are his legs supposed to feel as if they’re suddenly going to buckle like they do sometimes after his day long dance practices? Is his heart going to make it with all the rapid skipping it’s been doing?

 

               “Taeyong,” he repeats because his mouth doesn’t want to say the words. He wishes the other boy could just _know._ Much to his dissatisfaction, Taeyong doesn’t get it. No. He’s got one of the most vulnerable, openly terrified looks on his face Ten think’s he’s ever seen and maybe words aren’t enough for this.

 

               Ten is either really going to regret this or really going to give himself the biggest hug. Without thinking, he shuts off his brain, shuts down his heart, shuts his eyes, lets everything fade away as he leans forward – slow enough that Taeyong can back away if he wants – and softly, almost barely presses his lips to Taeyong’s. It doesn’t even last for more than maybe a second or two, but it’s soft and sweet and everything Ten expects, if maybe a little awkward still.

 

               He doesn’t realize he still hasn’t opened his eyes. No. He’s doing the opposite, squeezing them as tightly as he can, face still a couple inches away from Taeyong’s. He doesn’t realize this until he feels a gentle hand come up to brush against his chin then cup his cheek. Taeyong’s thumb runs across the space just below Ten’s eye, causing him to pry them open despite himself. He’s glad he did though because the look of pure adoration and love in Taeyong’s eyes is enough to make Ten want to throw it all away just to see that look every moment of his life.

 

               “I’m bad with words, I’m sorry,” Ten mumbles, breaking their gazes and looking down at the silver necklace around Taeyong’s neck. His face is considerably warmed and he’s sure it’s going to remain that way for the rest of his life.

 

               Taeyong’s thumb brushes across his cheek once more before he lowers his hand and taps Ten’s hand, playing with the back of it. “Why are you apologizing?” There’s a slight laugh to Taeyong’s voice, and Ten glances up to a puff of white across his vision and Taeyong looking absolutely adorable – there’s no other way to put it. It’s like a scene from a sappy drama, Taeyong basically existing in slow motion and always having the perfect lines, except this is real life and Ten is having a crisis as to why he just kissed one of the most beautiful people he knows. As to why he thought all of this would be a good idea.

 

               “Hey. _Hey_. Don’t do that okay? I know what you’re thinking. Please don’t run away again.” And ouch, so Taeyong does remember Ten stumbling away from him that night in Thailand.

 

               “I think we should have that talk,” Ten mumbles again, still not fully confident in his ability to produce a coherent sentence.

 

               Taeyong taps his hand a few times, tugging on his index finger, causing Ten to meet his gaze again. “Then let’s talk,” he says it so simply, as if they hadn’t just kissed and changed everything between them. As if things aren’t going to be dramatically different.

 

               So, he voices this. He tells Taeyong that he’s nervous and he’s overthinking and he knows everything will change – is changing and it scares him.

 

               “I know you’re not good at words, so I’ll talk a lot and you can tell me what you think okay?” Taeyong asks and pulls Ten’s wrist to get them walking again.

 

               Ten just nods because he isn’t sure how to respond.

 

               “To be honest, when you said you wanted us to talk today, I thought you were going to tell me you were leaving the company,” Taeyong begins, a pained look on his face. He shakes the umbrella a bit, spraying the water around them, seeming to think for a moment before continuing. “I never would have imagined you brining me here to kiss me, of all things. I wasn’t sure of your feelings towards me and despite my front I put up, it deterred me from ever thinking about saying anything to you along those lines as well. To me, you always seem so sure of yourself, so confident in everything you do. The way you dance and exist I guess. But around me, I think sometimes you let that slip and you show another side of yourself and that’s the side I – care for the most. The side that made me realize my feelings for you were… romantic. I don’t know the exact moment, or if there was one, or if there was always just a part of me that knew you were different. That is why I don’t want you apologizing to me Tennie. I wanted that kiss just as much as you.”

 

               Ten knew Taeyong was good with words. He was their leader, a natural leader, someone who always just seemed to have all the answers. So of course, Ten expects no less than what Taeyong has just said and to think that Taeyong feels this way about him. About _him._ It’s extraordinary. He thinks maybe he has dreamed everything up and he will wake up again, like he did that one night a while ago and everything will be normal.

 

               “I also wanted to kiss you in Thailand. Yes, we were both drunk. I understand that much. Though I think my tolerance has built up a slight bit because when I leaned in to kiss you, I knew exactly what I was doing. There was not a single part of me that didn’t know what I was doing. Which is why it pained me so much when you ran away. It broke my heart Tennie. And I know – I know, I shouldn’t have let it affect me the way it did. I shouldn’t have taken my anger out on you because of my foolish mistake, but I did and these past couple of months between us have been some of the worst months of my life. Seeing you push yourself to the brink of exhaustion, not eating, not sleeping, not even talking to those who love you. Every moment we spent dancing around each other, angry one minute, fine the next, tore a little piece of my heart away. So, yes, I’m slightly angry with you, but that is for my own selfish reasons. But more than that, I care for you with my entire heart, so deeply it hurts when you hurt. Please don’t do that to yourself again Tennie, I don’t think my heart could bear it.”

 

               He’s left speechless, entirely not expecting such heartfelt words from Taeyong. The other boy returning his feelings had been a long-awaited dream and here it was a reality and Ten couldn’t even find his voice. So instead he does the thing he does best and pulls Taeyong into a hug. Wrapping one arm around Taeyong’s neck, his hand cupping the back of his head. The other arm clutching tightly around Taeyong’s slim waist and he fights back tears.

 

               Ten doesn’t mean to let a few droplets slip out, but he’s always been a crier and to hear such genuinely loving words said towards him brings them out. He squeezes and squeezes and squeezes Taeyong, letting them rock from side to side for a bit, just savoring the feeling of his head resting on the other boy’s shoulder. He puts all his unsaid words and feelings into this hug – still too afraid to ask for another kiss. All of the sadness from the past couple of months, the doubt, the fear, the isolation, the insecurities but also the adoration, tenderness, affection and if he’s being honest, love. All of this, he tries to show through this hug and he knows it’s inadequate in comparison to Taeyong’s beautifully spoken words but it’s all he can give.

 

               Maybe it’s enough, because Taeyong doesn’t let go or try and pry his way out. If anything, he hugs back just as tightly and his free hand comes up to run through Ten’s hair and in this moment Ten thinks everything will be okay.

               “I’m not sure what to do from here,” Ten whispers into Taeyong’s shoulder, not daring to pick up his head for fear of seeing the tear stains there.

               “Well usually when someone wants to stop hugging they step away,” comes Taeyong’s reply and it’s such a Taeyong thing to say that it causes Ten to crack up, laughing into the white hoodie before he gives one last squeeze and pulls away.

               Taeyong’s hand comes up to brush away some stray wetness on Ten’s face with a little pout, “Awh, no crying Tennie. Please don’t cry because of me.” His voice is so soft and sad that Ten swats his hand away with another little laugh.

               “They’re tears of happiness, you dummy,” Ten explains with a little bump of their shoulders as they begin to walk some more. He honestly doesn’t know what to feel at the moment, but it feels like some invisible weight he’d been carrying for years now is gone and his feelings are out there and not only that but returned and he thinks he couldn’t have found a better person to give his whole heart to.

               Taeyong, it seems, can’t stop smiling either and this time as they walk, his hand holds Ten’s wrist gently – only because they both know the kiss was already dangerous in public and holding hands would not be seen as something very amusing to their managers. “To answer your question though, I’m not sure what we do from here on. I do know that I’d like to kiss you more, if you’d like and tell some of the group. I’m not sure everyone should know about anything just yet.”

               “I most definitely would like to continue the kissing too. That was, something I’ll embarrassingly admit to wanting for a pretty long while now,” Ten replies, not really looking at Taeyong because he still turns his face red and his heart to mush.

               “It’s not going to be easy. Doing whatever this is. Manager-hyung can’t know. No one except us and the group. Is that something you’re willing to go through?” Taeyong asks, his tone so endearing it pains Ten.

               He glances at Taeyong, giving his best genuine smile, “There is not much I’d disagree to go through for you. So long as we are together and work things out, and make sure to talk like adults unlike we’ve been doing. I think whatever this is – I think we can do it.”

               “Well,” Taeyong begins, his voice wavering slightly and Ten wants to wipe the nervous look off his face with another kiss, multiple kisses, kisses all over. “Are we boyfriends then? Or would you prefer not to label it, or is boyfriends too strong?” And Ten thinks it’s one of the few times he’s heard Taeyong ramble because of nerves. It’s cute.

               He reaches a pinkie out, letting his and Taeyong’s intertwine because it’s not too visible. “I think boyfriends sounds good.” Ten shakes their pinkies for added affect and shoots Taeyong a shy smile and they walk for a little while longer, not really saying anything, both their faces about as red as it gets, but goofy grins plastered on just the same.

               “Oh, by the way hyung, all the Dreamies already know about uh, my feelings towards you so,” Ten pauses when he sees Taeyong’s eyes widen, “Expect them to be pestering you about it all the time now, sorry.” He rushes out the last bit, shrugging his shoulders into himself, instinctively bringing his other hand up with the shrug.

               “You mean to tell me, seven of the youngest members, the ones with some of the largest mouths, know about all this?”

               Ten fakes nonchalance, looking everywhere except Taeyong’s gaze. “And Xuxi-ah, Kun-ah and Jungwoo-ah,” this too is rushed out and Ten thinks maybe he should have kept his mouth shut but it’s difficult to hold something like that in.

               Taeyong lets out a dramatic sigh but chuckles, “You’re really too cute huh? I think it will be fine. It’s nothing I can’t handle, but since they all know then well, we might as well just let the group know and threaten to behead them if they spill anything.”

               Ten finds himself blushing even more at the compliment, if that’s even possible, and knocking his shoulder into Taeyong’s with every step. “Can we take the long way back? I told the kids I was doing this today and as much as I love them, I just want us to have this for a little bit longer,” he asks when he realizes they eventually will have to leave and deal with idol life and return to the monotony of it all.

               Taeyong tugs their pinkies and brings both their hands up to push a bit of hair out of Ten’s eyes before bopping him on the nose with a child-like grin. “To be honest, I planned on us being out a lot later than manager-hyung said.”

               “Don’t you have dance practice tonight? Are you always this disobedient when it comes to manager-hyung? Is it done out of spite? I really want to know,” Ten asks with a laugh and his heart flutters when Taeyong laughs along with him, open mouthed and eyes forming crescent moons.

               When they manage to stop laughing, Taeyong looks at him with the deadliest, most serious look, “Spite, of course. Is there any other reason to do things?”

               “We’re going to get in trouble again.”

               “Possibly.”

               “Definitely.”

               “If I kiss you when I drop you off at the dorm will that make up for it?” Taeyong asks bouncing on the balls of his feet as they walk.

               “Not even an hour into this relationship and you’re already trying to bribe me with kisses,” Ten mutters with fake annoyance, shaking his head as he does so.

               Taeyong looks at him with shining eyes, “Is it working?”

               “You already know the answer dummy.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i listened to shinee's dont let me go on repeat as i wrote this so thats why its raining. also im a big sap so let me have my longly worded unrealistic confessions. 
> 
> also, this is definitely not the end, so uh little warning there.
> 
> when this gets 45 kudos ill post the next chapter hsdjk so tell ur friends. spread the word.


	6. the chances that we'd meet and just speak

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> soft. just. lots of soft moments. sue me.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> psa: i have no knowledge of korean amusement parks except for what ive seen in a few vlives or dramas. i kinda based this off universal and disney if they were to combine so uh yeah.

               They had gone back to their respective dorms, and Taeyong gave Ten a single soft, sweet kiss before the younger man got out of the car. It was all very dreamlike and Ten had trouble believing everything was real. He knew it was, but, for something this great to happen to him felt slightly unbelievable. Of course, it was all new to them and they were going to have to work out just exactly how they were going to have this relationship, but that could wait until they actually had some free time.

               He’d ignored the Dreamies as they tried to pester him the moment he stepped through the door, and instead scolded them for waiting up so late. Jaemin reminded him of the fact that he and Taeyong were in trouble with manager-hyung for skipping out on practice but Ten couldn’t find it in himself to care. Ten explained to the Dreamies that he would tell them in the morning and they’d just have to wait in suspense.

               That’s exactly what they did. It was about seven in the morning and Ten is woken to the feeling of Renjun and Jaemin launching themselves into his bed and then proceeding to lie on top of him until he got up, made them breakfast and told them about last night.

               “Hyung, please. We want pancakes and you have to tell us your story before you guys leave for the amusement park. Or did you forget about that?” Jaemin whines and snuggles his face into Ten’s giant comforter – which was actually more of Ten’s chest and Renjun’s arm.

               Ten’s sleep deprived mind considers just lying there and getting smooshed to death by the two children, but he had forgotten about the amusement park today and his brain also really wants to see Taeyong.

               He sits up, gently pushing the kids off of him and wiping the sleep out of his eyes. “Alright, alright. But you guys have to make me some coffee and Jaemin-ah you have to make me French toast.”

               The younger boy frowns for a moment, sighs dramatically then breaks into a giant smile, “I’m only doing this because I wanna hear about you and Taeyong-hyung. You’re no longer my favorite hyung.”

               Ten feigns mock hurt and throws a hand over his heart, clenching his fist, “Oh no,” he cries, “What will I do now that my least favorite dongsaeng pretends I’m his least favorite hyung.”

               Renjun cracks up and Jaemin punches Ten in the arm and hops out of the bed, running back into the living room. “Jeno-ah, Tennie is being mean, beat him up.” They hear Jaemin yell and Ten runs his hands through his hair and falls back into the bed.

               “Injunnie, it’s too early for this. Let your favorite hyung sleep some more,” Ten sighs, but lets out a small laugh at the kids antics.

               The other boy narrows his eyes and puts on a mischievous grin before jumping out of the bed and pulling the covers away to drag Ten out. “Hyung, I will force you out of this bed. Don’t make me. You know how I am with pancakes.”

               In that moment, Ten fears for his life just a bit.

               “Okay!” He holds his hands out in front of him to keep the younger boy from actually doing what he plans, “I’ll make your damn pancakes. Let’s go.”

               Thankfully, Jaemin is already in the kitchen, having set up some of the stuff for Ten and is currently making his French toast. Jeno – who always helps Jaemin cook – is scrambling some eggs and whispering to Jaemin about something and it causes the other boy to crack up and smack Jeno on the shoulder.

               Ten steps over to the sink and washes his hands before glancing around to see what he needs. The kids have already set literally everything out for him, “How come I have to make these when you guys could have done it yourselves?”

               Chenle yells from the living room, “Because the rest of us will set the kitchen on fire and Jaemin, the only one who won’t, is making you French toast.”

               Well, he can’t argue with that. He doesn’t want to have to explain another burnt countertop incident to their managers.

               He gets to work mixing all the ingredients, sometimes forcing Renjun away from pestering Jaemin and Jeno to help him. It’s not too hard to make the pancakes, but he doesn’t like having a cluttered counter so that’s where he makes Renjun do everything, having the younger boy come behind him and put anything he’s done with away. It’s efficient and in no time, they have made enough pancakes to feed an army, though this might not even get all the Dreamies full.

               “Alright children, pancakes are ready. Please don’t kill each other over the last one too. I don’t want to explain to manager-hyung why I’ve got most of the Dreamies at each other’s throats,” Ten explains as they all – minus Mark and Hyuck – gather around the table in the living room.

               They dig in quietly in the beginning, each content to just stuff their faces, until Jaemin, once again, interrupts the silence with a: “So….”

               “Yes, alright. I’ll tell you guys what happened last night. Injunnie get my coffee please,” Ten sighs, still wondering why he puts up with these little gremlins half the time.

               Ten thinks he’s never seen Renjun run so fast in his life as he gets up to get the coffee. He nearly spills it when he slams the mug on the little table and slides on the ground, hitting Jeno and Jaemin in the process and snuggling up to the pair, eyes wide, waiting to hear Ten’s story.

               “You guys are way too invested in my love life,” Ten mutters, shaking his head with a grin.

               “Yes, we know that. Please begin,” Chenle says, ushering Ten with his hand.

               He takes a deep breath and begins to explain the whole previous night. The ramen ‘date that wasn’t a date’. The walk at the Han. His inability to actually talk to Taeyong and kissing him by way of explanation. He omits some parts of Taeyong’s confession, only wanting to keep those parts to himself. Every passing sentence causes the Dreamie’s eyes to widen – some further than Ten thought was possible.

               When he finishes the story, he finds that his face is warm with embarrassment and he doesn’t look any of the Dreamies in the eyes, slightly afraid of what he’ll see though he’s not sure what he fears.

               “So, are you and hyung together? As boyfriends or something like that?” Jeno asks, and the strange tone in his voice makes Ten look up. Jeno’s face is unreadable, but the way his arms tighten around the two boys next to him gives away more than the look on his face. 

               Ten nods, “Yeah. I mean, he called me his boyfriend and I didn’t say anything against it. I never thought I’d say that out loud, and it sounds a bit silly, maybe childish, but for now, yeah. Boyfriends.”

               “It sucks that you guys are probably going to have to vlog at the amusement park today. You guys won’t get to do any fun couple things really unless you hide,” Jaemin says with a frown.

               “I can probably sneak off for a little bit, so it’s no big deal. Not like we could do anything publicly anyways,” Ten explains, voice tight. He hadn’t really thought about how difficult it would be, only being able to display moderate signs of affection to Taeyong, and even less in public. They had to act like friends, and probably touch slightly less now so as not to let themselves get carried away. He wonders if they’ll have to talk about it beforehand or if Taeyong will just understand. Then he thinks about how things went the last time they didn’t talk and he decides they’ll talk about how they’ll appear in public in the car on the way there.

               “Oh yeah,” Renjun sighs dejectedly, “I mean at least you guys can go to the dorms and stuff and not have to worry. And the studio as long as it’s just all of us with you guys.”

               Ten leans back against the couch, “It’s only serious because if there’s any type of scandal or anything, we’ll both lose our jobs and be taken out of the agency. This whole group and company is at stake,” he thinks for a moment, all of the consequences hitting him and it makes his heart speed up. “Guys what if this isn’t worth it. What if something happens and I’m the reason Taeyong gets kicked out of the company. We’ll both be leaving our dreams. What if –”

               He’s cut off by Chenle pulling him into a bone crushing hug. “Hyung. You have to take a deep breath please. Talk to Taeyong-hyung about this. These are the things I’m sure are bothering you both. You just became boyfriends, and so this is the time to talk through everything. Don’t make assumptions for him because you don’t know what he wants either. We don’t want to see you two like how you were before. So just shut up and go over to the 127 dorms and talk to him before you guys leave today. Or else we will all fight you. Because believe it or not we all talked last night too and we’re not going to let you be dumb anymore.”

               Ten pulls back from the embrace, feeling a lot better and a little bit like a dumbass. “How did you guys all get so good at giving advice, aren’t you all like twelve?” He’s attacked by five little gremlins as he attempts to run to his room to change for the day.

-

               Standing in front of the door leading into the 127 dorms causes Ten to feel like a teenager picking up his date for the first time for a mandatory school dance. He could just walk in, he’s got the key, but his nerves are getting to him. He’s not even sure why. It’s not like he hasn’t seen Taeyong nearly every day for nearly six years now. But now they’re boyfriends and he isn’t quite sure how to act.

               Unfortunately, fate, as it would have it, isn’t on his side. Johnny opens the door with an unamused look on his face. “I was wondering how long you would stand out here with that constipated look on your face but then I couldn’t handle it any longer. Please come inside and see your boyfriend who has literally been waiting for you since six this morning. It’s been driving me insane,” he explains in exasperation.

               Ten widens his eyes and punches Johnny in the arm as he passes and the taller man just shoves him back – a bit too hard – and Ten honestly considers fighting him.

               Everyone is in the living room with the exception of Taeyong who’s in the kitchen, making something that smells amazing. Jaehyun grins at Ten as he walks past. “Tennie, great that you’re here. We can finally send the other kids back to their kind,” he laughs and gestures in the direction of Mark and Hyuck who both send Jaehyun matching glares before waving to Ten and leaving the dorm to take his place at the Dreamie’s.

               Ten thinks he hears something in the kitchen drop but he’s not sure because the sound of Johnny’s annoying laughter covers it up, then Jaehyun joins in and it’s all really not very funny to Ten. He glares at them and goes to walk in the kitchen, ignoring the confused looks Yuta and Sicheng have on their faces.

               Upon seeing Taeyong, Ten’s whole being warms and he’s filled with a sense of happiness. He’s not even sure why completely, it’s not like they’re going to act any different, they’re boyfriends now but they’re friends first.

               Except friends don’t walk up behind their other friends and give them back hugs while they cook. He smirks when he feels Taeyong tense before bringing a hand up to awkwardly pat his arm. It only causes Ten to crack up and laugh into the back of Taeyong’s neck.

               “We’re terribly at this already,” Ten breathes out, moving his face from the back of Taeyong’s neck to hook over his shoulder and look at what he’s cooking. “Pancakes? I made them for the Dreamies yesterday. Great minds think alike I guess?”

               This brings a laugh out of Taeyong who bumps his head against Ten’s as a ‘hello’. “You made them without destroying the kitchen?”

               Ten scoffs and pulls back just slightly, giving Taeyong a narrow-eyed look. Taeyong pulls his head back too, only he’s smirking instead. “Hey, you know that was once and I’m the only one besides Nana that can cook in those dorms. The kids are lucky to have me,” Ten exclaims proudly.

               “Can you guys please stop flirting so TY can finish the pancakes, we’re starving,” Johnny interrupts from the living room and Ten and Taeyong share conspiring looks before Taeyong hands Ten the wooden spoon that had stirred the batter. Ten gladly accepts it and steps out of the kitchen, holding it menacingly at Johnny who sees it and literally hops over the couch to sprint into his and Taeyong’s shared room. But Ten is no quitter. He runs after Johnny and upon reaching the room realizes Johnny’s fatal mistake. He forgot to lock the door. Ten throws it open and raises an eyebrow at Johnny who looks like a deer caught in headlights - or just a regular Johnny caught in Ten’s warpath – and he hurls the spoon at him.

               “Get your husband to save you next time.” Ten smirks and closes the door behind him, leaving the spoon because he knows Johnny will be back with it soon.

               Taeyong had actually been about to finish all the pancakes, a couple of plates piled high were waiting on the table when Ten returns. The other man brings out the last plate along with a few other things and all of the guys dig in.

               Ten sits in between Taeyong and Jaehyun, the both of who are stuffing their faces and Ten wonders why he puts up with them sometimes. They’re messy eaters too, not even finishing the previous bite before shoving more into their mouths. Ten would be appalled if he didn’t care for them so much. That and maybe he’s a slight bit of a messy eater as well.

               Johnny comes back shortly – in a different shirt – and shoots a glare at Ten and Taeyong who both raise their eyebrows in mock innocence.

               “I can already tell, today is going to be very interesting,” Johnny says to no one in particular but Ten can’t help but to let out a little laugh as he shoves a piece of pancake in his mouth.

-

               The van ride to the amusement park is filled with them vlogging for something that will go on the vapp later on. Their managers suggest games and they end up all competing to be on teams because the amusement park is also going to double as a giant scavenger hunt mission for them.

               Thankfully Ten manages to get on the same team as Taeyong, along with Jaehyun, Taeil and Yuta. The other team is made up of Johnny, Sicheng, Kun, Jungwoo and Doyoung. Ten thinks it’s only going to be slightly awkward because sometimes things are tense between Taeil and Yuta and their respective crushes on Sicheng.

               Ten is sat in between Jaehyun and Yuta in the van, which is a terror. He has to deal with Jaehyun elbow nudging him every time Taeyong speaks and whispering things to Yuta – the pair of them both leaning forward over Ten’s lap – then laughing a slight bit too loud so the entire van looks back at the three of them. On second thought maybe Ten can launch Jaehyun off one of the rides while they’re at it.

               “I know I’m being a pain, but I’m getting it all out now because I’ll find a way to let you and Taeyong be alone for a bit while we do the scavenger hunt,” Jaehyun leans over and whispers into Ten’s ear. “Can’t be the perfect wingman without being a bit annoying at first,” he adds with a boyish laugh and Ten raises an exasperated eyebrow before grinning and knocking shoulders with Jaehyun.

               “You’re such a dork,” Ten laughs before growing serious. “But thank you, I actually did need some space and time to talk so – it really means a lot.”

               Jaehyun nudges him again with another grin, this one fonder, “Of course Tennie. That’s what I’m here for.”

               They finally arrive at the theme park and separate into their respective groups. Their managers explain the rules and that only this once, they will be allowed free reign – no manager supervision. Almost everyone’s eyes widen at this but upon seeing their manager’s terrifying look they glance away. Their Vlives will be edited, so they still need to be careful, and apparently anything bad will still be reprimanded. That’s the catch.

               Despite all this though, they’re all excited to just have free reign of the amusement park. There’s a few guests, but not too many to the point where they’ll be bombarded upon being discovered.

               The teams are given their lists of things to find and do as part of the scavenger hunt and a map of the park. The cameras come up and begin recording as part of the vlog, and they make sure to look very studios staring at the maps, coming up with a plan to get to the places quickest. There’s a bet made. The team to finish second has to buy dinner for the winning team – it’s a common prize but every time they still find themselves excited at the prospect of free food at the expense of the other members. There’s more teasing between the groups and a bit more show for the cameras and then they’re given their own little cameras and told to begin.

               Jaehyun grabs Ten’s arm and drags him at a run in the opposite direction of the other team, not even bothering to wait for the members of their own team.

               “Sorry, best friend time!” Jaehyun yells behind at the members who are failing to catch up. They both laugh when they hear Taeyong explaining to the camera that they’re betraying the team, accompanied by loud exaggerated groans from Taeil and Yuta.

               The amusement park is honestly pretty cool. There’s so many exotic plants around them Ten feels like he’s in a jungle – the plastic jungle animals _in_ the trees and bushes add to all that as well. They make noises when they walk by and it’s a bit creepy and scared their group on more than one occasion.

               Taeyong, Taeil and Yuta caught up to them finally and they’re working on their first spot to find which is a drink vendor that specifically sells fruit smoothies only. Ten sends a glare to the sky when he reads that they have to all finish off one of the smoothies and take a picture with the empty cups. Taeyong glances over at that moment and nudges Ten with his elbow, “I’ll drink yours if you want.” It’s said with a soft smile and the sunlight glints off his earring at the same time and Ten can’t tell what’s more blinding.

               He nudges back and lets out a small, quiet laugh, “Thanks.”

               “Alright, so the vendor is near this rollercoaster,” Yuta points on the map, drawing everyone’s attention to the actual point at hand, “But there’s another vendor next to this river ride.” He looks up at them with a thinking face for a moment. “Should we split up?”

               Taeil cuts in, stepping forward in their little circle. “How would we contact each other if we end up at the right one, manager-hyung has our phones.”

               Yuta frowns and looks back down at the map and studies it more, as if staring at it would make the solution pop out. His hair falls in his face and he pushes it back with a huff and looks up. “I don’t want to pay for their food, so maybe we just run to one of the places and if that’s not it, then we run to the other.”

               “Or we just send the fastest runner to both places and they come back here and tell us which one has the smoothies,” Jaehyun suggests and Ten might smack him because everyone is going to vote for Ten to run. And Jaehyun knows it too, if judging by the smirk on his face tells anything.

               Unfotunately, everyone – even Taeyong, the traitor – turns to face Ten. At least Yuta and Taeil have the decency to appear as if they feel bad for Ten. Jaehyun and Taeyong both terribly try to hide their smug looks at not having to be the one to run.

               “I really hate you all. I might just save Taeyong the trouble of drinking the smoothie and pour it over all your heads,” Ten snaps and crosses his arms with a slight pout. When none of them crack he huffs and checks to make sure his shoes are tightened and sets off at a speedwalk just to see what they’ll say.

               “Just remember, if we lose, you have to buy Johnny food!” Taeyong calls and well, that gets Ten sprinting in no time. He heads to the first vendor Yuta pointed out, hoping he won’t have to actually run to the other and then back to the group and then to that vendor again.

               Thankfully, whatever luck he has, it’s on his side. He gets to the first vendor who gives him a small smile and she asks if he’d like anything and points to the menu pictures hanging on the metal bar.

               “Is it just smoothies you serve here?”

               She nods, “Yes. We’re you looking for something else? We have another vendor just a little bit down that has other things.”

               Ten shakes his head. “No, thank you. I’ll be right back, is that alright?” He doesn’t rely give her the chance to answer, something he’ll apologize for when he gets back with the group and turns to run back to the other four guys.

               He’s nearly out of breath by the time he reaches them and he drops his hands to his knees, panting slightly. “Okay,” he breathes out and then in deeply, “First one. Let’s go.”

               The group starts walking and he jogs backwards, “No, nope. If I had to run, so do you guys.” Ten grabs Taeyong’s hand and jerks him forward into a run, turning as he does so and despite being out of breath he laughs when Taeyong stumbles and nearly falls. The group cracks up and Taeyong gives him a little shove while laughing and Ten will never get tired of seeing him smile like that. His heart is pounding a bit because of the running, but mainly because of this beautiful boy beside him.

               “Oh, you’re back. I was afraid I’d scared you off somehow. You eyed the fruits like you wanted to throw them off a bridge,” the vendor laughs as they appear and gives Ten a little grin.

               He lets go of Taeyong’s hand quickly when some other patrons of the park pass by. They’re not even glancing at him but he feels suddenly too aware – like they somehow know.

               Ten feels a nudge to his side and glances over to see Jaehyun giving him a wide eyed, urgent look. He looks over to see Taeyong holding his arm by the elbow, glancing away and then looks back at Jaehyun, “I’m sorry, what?” His mind snaps back into place when he realizes Jaehyun was talking to him.

               “She was asking what you wanted,” He explains, gently pushing Ten forward to order.

               Ten glances at the different options, deciding a mixed berry smoothie would be the best option, since he’d have to take a few sips for the camera. He points to it, “I’ll have the smallest size of that one.”

               Once everyone orders and pays, they snap a few pictures, vlog for the purpose of the Vlive, showing that they completed the first quest. Taeyong grabs his smoothie when the camera turns off and finishes it in a matter of seconds, thankfully the smallest size was very small.

               The next few quests aren’t as difficult and involve riding certain rides and taking funny pictures in front of things. Ten finds himself having more fun than he’s had in a while, just enjoying spending time with members he hardly gets to because of scheduling. He missed Yuta’s competitive but puppy like excitement about things. He missed Taeil’s terrible jokes and affection. He missed his best friend who he knew he could always depend on or say anything to. He missed Taeyong but that was a given.

               Just being around them for this short amount of time, doing silly things and getting to just be themselves, it was his favorite feeling. He doesn’t want to get all sentimental and ruin the Vlive, so he just enjoys it all in silence, making jokes with them, running around acting a bit silly, tackling Yuta and demanding a piggy back ride when his feet get tired. Apologizing to other patrons of the park when they accidently curse in front of kids or are a slight bit too loud, then dying of laughter as they run away to complete the next mission.

               They get back to where they started just before sunset, it taking them that long to finish the scavenger hunt because they’d been too focused on just having a great time. Though when they get there to meet their managers and staff, the other group is absent. They’d won. Their manager tells them this and explains that they now can do what they’d like, not even with cameras, just their own little day off almost but they have to be back by nine so they can all have dinner.

               Everyone agrees and the five of them head off again, this time when they’re out of sight though, Jaehyun herds Taeil and Yuta in a different direction and the three of them send winks to Ten who gives them the most annoyed look possible, to which Jaehyun responds to with a flying kiss.

               Then there were two. There’s still regular people in the park so Ten doesn’t try and hold Taeyong’s hand, doesn’t try and stand too close. He feels awkward and he knows he’s making it this way because Taeyong is walking silently beside him, hand dangling down – just brushing Ten’s despite his efforts to stay away.

               “You can relax you know. Even if someone sees you holding my hand, they know were idols by now with all the trouble we’ve caused throughout the park. They’ll think nothing of us holding hands,” Taeyong explains while they round a corner. His voice carries a tinge of hurt and Ten glances at him, trying to put on a brave face.

               “You’re right. Sorry, I guess I’m just a bit too paranoid now.” He takes Taeyong’s hand gently in his, relishing in the warmth that immediately spreads through him. He wonders how anyone could think this is wrong when holding Taeyong’s hand feels like the world just settled into place.

               Taeyong squeezes his hand and the worry vanishes from his face, “I’m nervous too but I think this is okay.” He stares ahead as they walk for a moment, thinking on something. He suddenly breaks out in laughter, “This reminds me of our Rookie days when we had to be ‘pretend boyfriends’ through the airport.” Taeyong goes quiet, looks anywhere but Ten’s eyes, “I think even back then I enjoyed that too much. You were a really good ‘pretend boyfriend’.”

               Ten smiles to himself at the memory, remembering how he knew even back then that he might have wanted it to be real. Who was he kidding? He’d loved Taeyong then and the fact that he’d taken the game seriously and hadn’t mocked it, that had made Ten think a bit. Originally, he had been so worried about that exact thing happening. Taeyong laughing in his face or making rude remarks. Back then Ten didn’t know he liked men, but he remembers being extra nervous about Taeyong’s reaction for some reason.

               He snaps out of the memory, squeezes on Taeyong’s hand and leans against him, whispering in his ear, “Am I a good real boyfriend too?” Ten laughs, unable to really take the moment too seriously since they’re in public, and pulls away, only holding Taeyong’s hand gently.

               “We’ve only been dating since last night, how am I supposed to determine that?”

               “Let’s be honest, I think we’ve been ‘dating’ for a lot longer, just haven’t realized it until now,” Ten answers smiling. “The Dreamies teased me for it constantly before I told them I actually did have feelings for you. They’d always ask, ‘How did your date with Taeyong-hyung go?’ when we’d promote somewhere. Especially Ukraine. I was bullied endlessly by seven little brats for the longest time over Ukraine.”

               “We’re really dumb, aren’t we?” Taeyong asks and pulls him into the line to ride the hot air balloon.  

               “We’ve already discussed this, but yes.” Ten notices where they’re in line for and freezes, “I know you did not just distract me into getting in line for this death trap.” He gives Taeyong his best ‘I could kill you right now if I wasn’t in love with you’ look and hopes Taeyong gets the message.

               It is not fun. Maybe for Taeyong it is, but Ten has refused to stand up to look around. The balloon shakes anytime the wind barely blows and every time Ten finds himself fearing for his life. Meanwhile Taeyong is having the time of his life, sounding like a kid in a candy store. “Ten look at that! Tennie look at this! Tennie it’s so beautiful up here! C’mon, it’s still attached to the ground we won’t die.”

               Ten wants to kick him out of the giant wicker basket. “We’re are going to die and all you can think about is the pretty lights from the buildings?”

               Taeyong turns to face him, a pout on his lips and his eyes drooping slightly and well, Ten can’t really deny him when he gives him that look. He rises to shaky legs, grabbing onto Taeyong’s arms, squeezing a bit tighter than is probably necessary and gives him a tight-lipped smile. “The things I do for you,” he mumbles and buries his face into Taeyong’s chest so as not to glance at the expanse of Earth below them.

               “Well I couldn’t stare at the beautiful view if it was sitting down in the basket, now could I?” Taeyong laughs at his own silly line and Ten bumps his head into Taeyong’s chest. Despite it being a terribly cheesy line, it makes Ten’s heart soar. Who would have known Taeyong was like this?

               “You’re such a cheesy dork, you know that?” Ten murmurs, nor trusting his voice to come out even if he talks louder. His heart pounds and he knows Taeyong can feel it beating against his chest, but for once he’s glad, maybe it can show Taeyong how he feels because he’s terrible at saying it.

               He feels Taeyong’s hands remove themselves from his back and replace themselves on his cheeks, pulling Ten’s body back just slightly so their faces are almost even with each other. His eyes search Ten’s, for what, he doesn’t know. It’s hard to keep eye contact even still now that they’re together, he can’t avoid the intense, all consuming gaze. Taeyong’s eyes have always been somewhat dark, but when he looks at Ten there’s something behind them that Ten can’t quite understand and it’s what unnerves him so much whenever Taeyong looks at him.

               “We’re going to have to say thank you to Jaehyun for giving us some alone time,” Taeyong says quietly, his thumbs brushing Ten’s cheeks gently.

               “Please don’t talk about Jaehyun when I’m about to kiss you.”

               Taeyong’s eyes widen just a fraction before Ten leans in and presses their lips together for the third time in 36 hours. His lips are slightly chapped, but they’re warm and Ten tilts his head just a slight bit to deepen the kiss and one of Taeyong’s hands moves down to the small of Ten’s back, pulling him flush against him. It’s a little over the top but Ten can’t find anything wrong with it as he pulls back for just a moment, enough time to bring one hand up to rest on Taeyong’s neck and pull him in again. This time it’s more heated and, there’s a bit of tongue and heavy breathing. It’s all of their pent-up tension from the past month of almost completely ignoring each other. Ten pours his feelings into the kiss, not even bothering if he makes pathetic whines. He’s wanted this for so long and the whole thing is almost out of a drama and Ten really thinks he needs to stop watching them with the Dreamies so often.

               They break apart again, both with red tinted faces and plush lips, Ten laughs, a quiet little laugh and plants a kiss on Taeyong’s nose. “I – I’m gonna be honest, I wish we weren’t idols.” He avoids Taeyong’s eyes when he says this, and he’s not really sure why he says it. Maybe it’s a mix of things. Maybe he just wishes they could be two guys on a date. Two no name, unmemorable guys that could kiss as they please and not worry about repercussions.

               “Why?” Taeyong tilts Ten’s chin up just a bit, not making him look him in the eyes, but just to return the nose kiss.

               “There’s a lot of reasons, but mainly right now, I just wish I could kiss you and leave a mark. That sounds a bit teenager like, but I just have to remind myself to keep in check and not get carried away and I just really wish,” Ten takes a breath, slowing himself down, “I really wish I could let myself get a little carried away.”

               Taeyong’s face reddens considerably and now it’s him who can’t meet Ten’s eyes. “You can’t say things like that.” His voice breaks just a bit and it causes Ten to smile. To be the person to make Taeyong nervous, to do that means the world to him.

               “Well you are really beautiful and I can’t help it,” Ten begins and laughs when Taeyong shakes his head, acting like a petulant child, “You are. You’re the most beautiful, ethereal, stunning, out of this world person I’ve ever seen. It’s hard to act so calm around you all the time.”

               “Stop, you’re being too much,” Taeyong says, pulling away with another nervous laugh.

               Ten pulls him into a loose hug as the balloon descends, “You better get used to it then. I’ll tell you every day, you know I will.”

               Taeyong doesn’t respond, just squeezes Ten tighter then steps back, face aflame as they wait for the okay to exit the balloon.

               Unsurprisingly the rest of the eight members are there, waiting for them, all with knowing looks on their faces. “You guys have fun up there?” Johnny teases and Ten punches his arm. “Just remember, my knee is level with your dick. It would be really easy for me to make it so you no longer have kids Seo.”

               Taeyong has his arm slung around Ten’s waist but moves it up to his shoulder when their manager appears, letting them know they’re going to eat at one of the amusement park restaurants. Ten internally throws their manager off a cliff, really wishing he hadn’t ruined the moment.

               The ten of them make their way to the restaurant with minimal fussing, a few members of the losing team – aka Johnny and Sicheng – complain about having to pay, asking their manager if there’s anything they can do to get out of the punishment but they get nowhere. Maybe Ten won’t have to throw their manager off a cliff.

               It’s a restaurant that caters mainly to tourists, so there’s an assortment of foods from different countries and regions. Something that causes Johnny to moan louder about his wallet.

               They weren’t terribly busy so when they enter the restaurant, they’re lead to a giant round booth and all of them squeeze in. Their managers explain they will film a bit more for the Vlive and then they’ll eat, then head home. They also pepper in the fact that they all have practice in the morning and a photoshoot afterwards. Now Johnny isn’t the only one letting out a petty, childish groan.

               Each member decides to just get something to share with the whole table, that way no one will miss out on anything and when their food is brought, there’s hardly enough room on the table for everything.

               They’re even allowed alcohol – though it’s limited – and they go wild. Ten opts to not drink, remembering what happened the last time he drank. A few others pass on the drinks as well and they end up all having a great time. Of course, they have to hide the drinks from the camera, and act a bit sober, which is quite hilarious seeing Yuta attempt to be sober. If he was touchy with Sicheng before, that was nothing. He’s nearly lying on top of the other man who is also quite drunk himself and surprisingly not pushing Yuta away.

               Ten is once again reminded that they’re his family. Sure, he has his mom and dad and sister at home, but these guys here, this group, this is his found family. He’s thankful they’re not like some other groups where members are there purely for the money and have to simply tolerate the other members. Perhaps it was like that in the beginning, as it is for most groups, but they’ve grown to love each other and Ten can’t think of an instance where he wouldn’t lay everything down for any of them.

               Everything seems to go in slow motion for him. Seeing everyone laugh. Passing the food around and trying not to spill it on each other. Listening to the jokes from Taeil and Kun. Just seeing the actual love they have for each other causes Ten’s heart to feel warm. He thinks back to the movie about the Grinch - the way his heart grows. He feels just like that. And when Taeyong seeks his hand out underneath the table, he thinks his heart might really combust there on the spot. He can’t help his fond smile, and if the camera catches it and if the fans say anything, he can’t find it in himself to care.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> this was honestly kinda just a little chapter to indulge myself tbh


	7. a million ways they give just to live

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> hmm, awards season is coming up isn't it... that surely means lots of busy schedules

               He’s careful not to wake the Dreamies as he gets ready for practice. It’s around five in the morning and not even close to being light outside yet. Everything feels muted. The sounds of cars passing by in these early hours, the light pattering of rain against the window of his room, the buzz of the fan oscillating quietly in the corner because he can’t sleep without some form of noise.

               Ten has a love, hate relationship with the mornings. He thinks they’re one of the most beautiful times of day, almost like time doesn’t actually exist. But his body truly hates waking up at this terrible hour. He had only just fallen asleep at about three.

               He makes it through the dorms quietly and without waking any of the kids, though he checks on them all to make sure they’re alright. Ten thinks maybe Taeyong is rubbing off on him because he finds himself worrying about the Dreamies every waking moment of his life despite living with them.

               The van waits for him, parked on the curb and he takes a deep breath before pulling his bag close and stepping in to meet the sleeping faces of 127. Only Yuta glances up to meet his tired gaze with a half-formed smile. He plops down next to Johnny in the back and rests his head against the window, gradually falling asleep in the short time it takes to get to the company building.

               He’s woken by Johnny shaking him a little too hard, something he shows by shoving Johnny back as they step out of the van. Thankfully, for Johnny, that is, the taller man doesn’t retaliate so Ten doesn’t have to fight him for real.

               It’s still dark out when they stumble through the company building, making their way to their training room located of course on one of the highest floors. Everyone’s quiet and it’s a normal routine for them, they’re hardly morning people. It’s probably the only time you’ll get complete silence from Hyuck. He’s probably the least ‘morning person’ out of them all and it definitely shows. Ten suspects if someone were to remotely look in Hyuck’s direction in the morning, the young man might magically set them on fire.  Especially with the Tarot cards he’s been messing around with, Ten thinks they probably shouldn’t mess with Hyuck in the morning – or any other time for that matter.

               Their choreographer and one of their trainers are already waiting for them and greet them with tired waves of their own before they all launch into stretches and basic choreography for some new songs.

               Ten doesn’t even have the energy or mind to acknowledge Taeyong with more than a few gazes and a lingering hand brush at the beginning of the practice. He tries not to, but the music pulls his focus away from his boyfriend. It’s easy to forget about being awake too early, or his creaking knee and back when he’s focused on dancing. It’s like breathing to him. Staying on beat, making sure he flows through the moves and keeps his feet light. He doesn’t have to think. That’s the freeing part. He just knows. He knows where the next step is. He knows just how to twist his body and tangle his arms and he welcomes it greedily.

               By the time he realizes his practice with the group is over, its noon and sweat rolls down his forehead, his back, his neck. His legs are shaking just a slight bit and his hands tremble with energy and the need to keep going.

               He doesn’t hardly acknowledge the group as he exits the practice room, just biding them a wave and tries to share a knowing look with Taeyong but the other man is also shaking just a bit and breathing too heavily to really pay him any attention.

               Ten meets his solo choreographer in their smaller practice room and they go over the dance he performed at the SM Town concert a few times – according to their manager, Ten will be performing it now at more NCT concerts because of the huge interest and popularity gained by the solo. It’s a huge win for Ten and some of the best news he’s gotten recently. It’ll mean a slight bump in his paycheck, but a huge boost in his confidence. For once he’s proud of himself and he’s not afraid to admit it.

               This chance also means the world to him because he’d helped in creating this choreography. Of course, he hadn’t had very much input, but he’d remembered suggesting a few moves differently and the pacing of the dance to be slightly faster than originally planned.

               By the time they finish Ten is thoroughly exhausted and really doesn’t feel like attending a photoshoot. He’s beyond sweaty, to the point where it feels like he just stepped outside during a monsoon. On top of this, his knee is giving him problems and he really wants to go lie down back in his bed, preferably on a heating pad, with multiple pain patches, a good movie and Taeyong. Unfortunately, his schedule is completely booked because after the photoshoot, he’s got to go to a cardio session with their personal trainer and then when he does get back to the Dream dorms he’ll probably have to make dinner for them and study his Mandarin with Chenle and Renjun who have been testing him a lot more lately.

               He uses the showers at the company building and changes into loose clothing so it’ll be easier to change into the outfits the stylists put them in. Since he’d had his extra training session, the rest of NCT was already at the actual set of their photoshoot with the exception of Taeyong who apparently had also met with a choreographer to work on a solo. Ten figures they’d just missed each other somehow and both had to take separate cars to the location.

               The set is some abandoned building, not too different from the one the Dreamie’s used for their ‘Go’ promotions. All eighteen members are here, milling around, waiting for Ten and Taeyong to show up so their stylists and managers can get started with them.

               The concept is supposed to be more rugged, dark and grunge-like. Something they’ve done before but this is slightly different and they’re told their hair will be sprayed black as well. Ten’s head perks up at this. Having colored hair has always been one of his favorite things, especially his hair for New Heroes. Another thing they’re told is that there will be many fake piercings and heavier, darker makeup and that truly does excite Ten. Sometimes he enjoys being the bright, bubbly, happy self, but this concept, this dark side, is something Ten really wishes to explore. Especially since he could use it to make his stage presence more intense.

               Ten only barely gets to hold Taeyong’s finger, carefully hidden behind the solid wall that is Johnny and Jaehyun, before their managers tell them to choose a chair and let the stylists begin. He lets go with a tug and soft smile that Taeyong returns with a fond look.

               He chooses the chair next to Taeyong because if he’s honest with himself, he can’t be separated from him. The added bonus of this, is he’ll be one of the first to see Taeyong with these added piercings and new hairstyle. And maybe he’s looking to see Taeyong’s reaction to him the same way.

               His stylist is very kind, though doesn’t try to spark up any conversation. She works diligently and Ten passes the time by scrolling through his phone, deciding which embarrassing pictures of the Dreamies he’ll send to the group chat they all share.

               When he finally glances up to see himself in the mirror he’s only slightly shocked. His hair and makeup are similar to that of the promotions for the Black on Black photoshoot except his hair is completely black and straightened down, covering his forehead and part of his eyebrows. The makeup is heavier and he’s got two fake nose rings, a fake eyebrow piercing and all his real ear piercings have iridescent black dangling jewelry.

               He chokes when he glances in the mirror over a Taeyong, though he covers it up with a loud cough that is probably more obvious than the choking sound itself but he can’t be bothered. There is no other way to describe Taeyong besides otherworldly. That and someone he wishes he could take to bed. Though he tries hard not to think of that because they are definitely in public and he can’t embarrass himself that much.

               Taeyong’s hair is sprayed black like Ten’s but they’ve styled it messily, some parts pushed back, some sticking out, and it’s all very suggestive. The fake lip ring and eyebrow piercings are probably what does it for Ten though, out of everything. Taeyong meets his eyes in the mirror and Ten swears his eyes are a lot darker than they were seconds ago. Perhaps sitting next to Taeyong during this was not his brightest idea.

               Before he can say or do anything his stylist pulls him away to put him in the clothes they need to wear and he’s a slight bit thankful for that because he really might have said something from his huge mouth that lacks a filter and that would have been the end of Ten.

               He gets leather jeans and a ripped shirt that has more holes than material. This is paired with an oversized leather jacket and Ten thinks he could go for the ‘intimidating male lead’ in a cheesy drama. He laughs at himself which makes his stylist send him a slightly concerned look but she just continues on making sure everything looks right and sends him off to the actual set where some of the other members are waiting.

               The Dreamies don’t look like the Dreamies, Ten thinks. They look like true idols, like adults and the thought makes Ten’s heart clench just in the slightest. He wonders if this is the same feeling his mother had when he came home with red streaked hair and ear piercings. If maybe he’s just a bit sad to see the kids growing up. It’s a cruel reminder of the passage of time and something Ten really would rather not begin to think about or his brain will hurt.

               Everyone looks extremely intimidating and Ten thinks the photos will definitely be the talk of many websites and articles. It’s similar to their Black on Black promotions yes, but it’s different in the way that you can see the intensity in their eyes and their uniformity. It’s something in the air probably.

               They take headshots, mainly to capture the details of the piercings and the dark eye makeup and are told to give their best angry look. This is another time Ten thinks he’d rather not get on Hyuck’s bad side, him, Jaemin, Jeno and Yuta are some of the most intimidating.

               It's all over surprisingly very quickly because it’s getting late at night and there are some members who still have a schedule left for today. The group shots go without fuss and Ten thinks maybe the mood of the overall photoshoot seeped into the members minds because there is hardly a word said throughout the whole ordeal.

               Yet again, Ten is left barely able to get in a goodbye to Taeyong before he’s ushered back to the stylists who take off his makeup and strip the temporary dye out of his hair and hand him back his clothes so he can leave for his cardio session.

               He’s running a bit behind schedule, so he texts his personal trainer and lets him know he’ll be late. She responds saying he’ll have to make up for that with an extra two laps around the warm up track and he nearly cries right there in the car.

               When he finally does make it to the company’s building again he nearly forgets his bag in the car and has to rush back to grab it before running back inside to the workout room to meet his trainer Go Soo. She greets him with an unamused look and he stumbles out a quick apology before they break into stretches.

               “We’re focusing on endurance today, and since it’s awards season coming up soon, that means lots of performances. You’ll need to be able to maintain your energy. In order to create endurance, we’re going to be going on long distance runs from now on. You’re lucky, you won’t have to run those two laps because we’ll actually be running two miles today,” She explains with a wicked look on her face and Ten finds himself wanting to cry for the second time within an hour.

               “You know, noona, I’d much rather do sprints, I take back everything bad I ever said about them. I’ll never stray from your light again,” Ten pleads as she leads him out the building.

               “Ay, my young Tennie. I’ve been your trainer for how long? Do you really think aegyo will work on me?” 

               Despite knowing it won’t work, Ten gives her his best ‘cute’ face, truly hoping she’ll find the love within her tiny heart.

               “No.”

               “Noona,” he croons. And if he looks just the slight bit pathetic to bystanders, he’ll let that slide.

               “Nope. Let’s get going because if I beat you, you owe me another mile.”

               To that, Ten shuts up and pushes on, jogging at a brisk pace beside her. Eventually he gets to the point in his running where his legs have gone numb and his body just moves automatically. He likes to think when this happens. Not even about deep things. Sometimes, in the past, he would think about the Dreamies, deciding what to cook them for dinner.

               Today he thinks about Taeyong. Nothing in particular. Just Taeyong in general. Ten gets this mental image of Taeyong, one where they first met. Even then, when they were lanky, gangly teenagers, Taeyong had been unnervingly beautiful. That’s the image that floats through his mind as he runs. The beginning.

               Somehow, he manages to keep up with Go Soo – Ten suspects she’s taking it easy on him despite her earlier words – and they finish the two-mile loop, ending up right back in front of the company building where they started.

               Ten can’t breathe. He registers Go Soo saying something to him about holding his arms up high, but he brushes her words off in favor of doubling over and sucking in the deepest breath possible as his hands rest on his knees. He thought he was fine when it came to endurance, but apparently, he was not as fine as he needed to be. If this long-distance running would continue, he would definitely need to learn better breathing exercises or become super human.

               It takes about ten minutes but he’s finally regained some normalcy to his breathing and Go Soo stands, staring at him with a smirk, looking perfectly fine. Ten kind of wants to cry looking at her. How someone can be that in shape is almost ungodly and Ten can only hope to achieve it one day.

               “So now that I’ve kicked your ass,” she begins, stopping when Ten shoots her a half attempted offended look. Go Soo simply raises an eyebrow and continues, “We’ll do some cool down stretches and you can go back to the dorms and sleep to your heart’s desire.” Ten laughs at this because, when does he get to sleep? Ten and sleep do not get along.

               “That’s funny that you think I sleep,” Ten responds, laughing along with her while they stretch.

               She fixes him with a very serious look. “Ten, you know sleep is very important to your health. You have to sleep or you _will_ get sick.”

               “Tell that to my managers.”

               Her face changes then, to a softer expression, one that looks sympathetic but it’s gone in a moment. She changes the subject. “We’ll continue these sessions twice a week okay? Tuesdays and Thursdays. When awards season is over this whole thing will change a bit so just keep that in mind that you’ll need to do short cardio routines at your dorms when you don’t meet with me.”

               Ten nods, knowing he won’t follow through really. He spends that time practicing and that’s cardio enough for him, but the smile he gives is apparently reassuring enough to Go Soo. She gives him a warm grin, claps him on the back and follows him in the building, splitting ways when Ten heads back to the workout room to grab his bag.

-

               He gets to the dorms around nine at night. Jisung is already in bed, knowing Ten would scold him if he wasn’t. The rest of the kids are dispersed throughout the living room and their manager is surprisingly in his room as well. He stays with them on the weekdays when Ten has the busiest schedule so the kids have someone older in charge.

               Upon finally spotting Ten, the four kids greet him lazily. He returns their various ‘hellos’ with a tired wave and heads to his room, dropping off his bag before unclothing and stepping into their shower – his body functioning on automatic.

               Everything he does from the on is robot-like. Washing his hair, his body, completing his skin routine, stepping out and applying night cream, heading to his room to throw on loose basketball shorts and just letting himself breathe for a second before he goes to face the kids.

               When he enters the living room this time, Chenle is waiting for him at the table in the dining area and Jaemin, Renjun and Jeno are all snuggled up on the couch watching a drama that they seem intensely engrossed in.

               “You seem really tired tonight hyung, are you okay?” Chenle’s soft voice asks the moment Ten takes a seat at the table. His eyes are narrowed but concerned as he pulls out paper for them to write on.

               “Tired. Very, very tired. Go Soo-noona made me run two miles today after the photoshoot. The practice before kind of hurt my knee a bit,” Ten explains.

               “Your knee? Have you told Taeyong-hyung about it?”

               Ten shakes his head, feeling slightly guilty because he remembers telling Taeyong he’d be the first to know if there was something like that wrong. “I haven’t quite had the time, but I guess I could let him know now. Do you mind if we put this lesson on hold for tonight?”

               Chenle shakes his head and ruffles Ten’s hair to which Ten raises an eyebrow but allows. “It’s alright hyung. I’m kind of tired too. We can do this lesson tomorrow, but that means you have to buy me BBQ for dinner.” Before Ten can argue, Chenle jumps up and kisses the top of Ten’s head, running to his room to escape Ten’s argument. “Thank you Ten-hyung,” he hears from the hallway. He shakes his head to himself, laughing quietly before grabbing the paper and heading to his respective room.

               His phone had been discarded to the bottom of his bag. He grabs it and checks to see about a hundred messages in the group chat involving all the members and sighs as he plops on his bed to read them all. They’re mostly weird pictures sent by Mark, Jaehyun, Johnny and Lucas, followed by some of the other members removing and adding back those same people.

               He closes out of that and opens up his and Taeyong’s chat, smiling at the picture he sent while Ten had been with Go Soo. It was a selca with Taeyong fresh out of the shower, holding up a peace sign looking too adorable to be real. Ten finds himself smiling like a school girl when he sends a giant heart sticker. Then he remembers what he meant to message him for in the first place and sends him a message.

 **Ten:** remember when you said to let you know first if i had problems with my knee?

               The response is almost immediate.

 **Taeyong:** of course. i meant it too. whats wrong?

 **Ten:** it’s just been feeling a bit stiff lately. and during practice and cardio it felt strained

 **Taeyong:** im coming over. ill be there soon

               He hadn’t expected Taeyong to do that but he supposes it’s a good end to his day. He’ll get to spend the remaining hours before sleep cuddling with his boyfriend. Ten can’t stop his whole body from warming up every time he even thinks of the word ‘boyfriend’ and the fact that that word and ‘Taeyong’ are in the same sentence sends his heart soaring.

               Ten can’t really be bothered to put a shirt on or do much about his barefacedness. Taeyong has seen him looking much worse after a full day’s practice. _But._

               He jumps up and runs into the living room, scaring the three on the couch a bit.

               “Should I put a shirt on?”

               They all collectively give him one of the most concerned and confused glances he thinks he’s ever seen.

               “I’m sorry, hyung. _What_?” Jaemin questions, his voice taking on an incredulous tone. Renjun just looks at Ten as if he’s running around headless.

               Ten shakes his head, realizing finally, how strange his question sounded. “Taeyong-hyung is coming over because we’re going to talk.”

               Jeno still stares, though now probably even more confused. “What does that have to do with a shirt being on?”

               “Is it too forward of me to be shirtless or do you think it’ll make him uncomfortable, like I’m assuming something?”

               The three exchange tired glances. “Has Taeyong-hyung seen you shirtless before?” Renjun asks.

               Ten nods.

               The three share another knowing look and in the back of his mind Ten thinks about how funny it is that he’s going to the Dreamies for all of his Taeyong related advice.

               “It’s bedtime. I don’t think he’ll think anything of it,” Renjun explains, giving Ten a mildly reassuring smile.

               “Hyung, I think you overthink things too much.” Jaemin gives him a soft look, probably being a bit sympathetic towards his cause because of some of the words he’s shared with Ten himself.

               Before Ten can acknowledge that, there’s a knock at the door before the lock is being turned and Taeyong steps in on the scene. His eyes widen a fraction upon seeing Ten standing in the arch of the hallway, shirtless a slightly worked up expression on his face.

               The three on the couch all wave a ‘hello’ to Taeyong but other than that, turn back to their movie, all snuggling a bit closer. Taeyong returns their waves by ruffling their hair as he passes by, walking up to Ten and giving him an appreciative once over. He smiles warmly and all of Ten’s worries melt away.

               “Hi.” He doesn’t mean for it to sound as shy and childish as it does, but Ten can’t help it. He still can’t process everything even though they did share a few more than heated kisses the night before.

               This only causes Taeyong to blush deeply. He reaches up and runs his hand through Ten’s hair behind his ear. “Hey,” he returns, equally as soft and shy as Ten.

               “You guys are disgustingly gross. Please go to Ten-hyung’s room and be soft there. The three of us are trying to get through this drama, we don’t need one happening right in front of us,” Renjun calls over to them, the sigh in his voice evident.

               Now Ten is the one blushing redder than he knew possible as he stumbles back into his room, pulling Taeyong along with him.

               “I’ve never seen your room before, did you know that?” It’s the first thing Taeyong says when they enter. Ten plops down on his bed, not wanting to be standing for any longer than necessary.

               Taeyong glances around, taking in all the fan gifts. Ten hangs up most of the things he gets, art, letters and photos. All the plushies and other gifts he keeps what he enjoys the most and can fit in his room, the rest he usually gives to the Dreamies or his sister when he visits home.

               His gaze lingers on the string of photos Ten has hanging on the wall over his bed. They’re polaroids of Ten with all of the other members. Ten remembers taking them on one of their photoshoot days and he also remembers that he drew a heart in the corner of his and Taeyong’s. Taeyong seems to realize this at the same time and glances at Ten with a mildly surprised look that turns smug.

               “Cute,” he murmurs before crawling onto the bed, lying next to Ten on his stomach, his head propped up by a pillow he hugs with his arms.

               Ten looks away, not able to meet Taeyong’s eyes in embarrassment. “You weren’t supposed to see that,” he mumbles into his pillow.

               It’s quiet for a moment and Ten realizes he left the light on and groans to break the silence.

               “Do you want me to turn the light off?” Taeyong questions, though he’s already up and halfway across the room. The light shuts off and the entire room is cast in shadows save for the few lights cutting through the window from the surrounding high rises. Ten calls them his nightlights.

               This time when Taeyong gets in the bed, he rolls on his back and waits for a moment, letting Ten koala up to him. They’ve slept like this a few times before, when they shared hotel rooms. So this wasn’t an uncommon occurrence but now because they were actually together, Ten could allow himself to openly enjoy it.

               “Just because I’m here and you’re sleepy clinging to me doesn’t mean we’re not talking about your knee,” Taeyong says quietly above him. Ten’s head is resting in the juncture between his arm and chest, carefully placed so he can hide his face in Taeyong’s neck to avoid the question.

               “There’s not much to tell,” Ten whispers into his neck. He only sort of regrets telling Taeyong because his leader side comes out and right now Ten just wants the boyfriend side.

               “Were there any specific moves that caused it more pain than normal? I can change the choreography if we need to.”

               Ten drapes his arm across Taeyong’s midsection, pulls him closer and breathes in deeply. Taeyong smells clean and a bit like vanilla and all Ten wants to do it breathe it in and forget about his problems. “No, it just strains sometimes. I know it’s been a bit since the surgery but not long enough. I think it’s just being overworked. But this isn’t the time for that, I’ll just have to push through and when awards season is over, we’ll get our break and I’ll be fine.”

               Taeyong’s free hand comes up to gently card through Ten’s hair and he turns his head just slightly to press a soft kiss to Ten’s head. He exhales, tickling Ten’s forehead a bit and he finds himself letting out a little giggle.“I trust your decision okay? If you think it’s best to wait it out till the end of awards season,” he pauses which causes Ten to glance up and meet his gaze, it’s intense but worried at the same time and Ten feels his heart pound a bit too harshly for a moment, “I trust you. But if something happens, it would kill me to see you in pain.” His eyes search Ten’s for something, he doesn’t know what. “So please, whatever you decide to do. Please be careful.”

               Ten pulls his hand from Taeyong’s midsection up to cup his jaw, his thumb stroking across Taeyong’s cheekbone. Everything feels too close, too soft, too intimate. His heart hurts but pounds away in his chest and he thinks the lack of shirt makes it even worse, that somehow Taeyong can feel the bump of his heart. As if the extra layer a shirt provides would help.

               “How did I manage to get you? How did someone like me, manage to have someone like you care for me the way you do? What have I done to deserve you?” Ten finds himself asking in response. It’s not really an answer to the question because he knows he won’t be careful. That’s not how he is. He’s going to push himself and he’s going to push his knee past his limits. He’s going to push himself because it’s the only thing he knows.

               Taeyong laughs quietly but unrestrained. Ten doesn’t know what’s so funny. He pauses his thumb as it passes over Taeyong’s cheek again.

               “What?”

               Taeyong quiets, runs his hand through Ten’s hair, tugging at the ends gently. “I don’t have words to explain why I don’t deserve you, and here you are, thinking so lowly of yourself,” he pauses. Pulls at Ten’s hair again and smiles down at him sadly. “Don’t do that Tennie. I wish you wouldn’t do that. I wish you could see yourself the way I see you. Then maybe you’d understand.”

               “I wish you’d look in a mirror so you understand why I don’t believe that,” Ten replies, a sour note to his voice. He knows he’s being slightly self-depreciating and he thinks how funny it is that he can act so confident around everyone but the moment the lights are off and reality hits, he can barely stand the thought of himself.

               “I’ll show you then. I’ll show you how beautiful you are to me.” Taeyong’s voice shakes just the slightest bit and Ten wonders what he’s doing when Taeyong rolls over Ten’s body and supports himself with his arms bracketing Ten’s head.

               He leans down and kisses Ten’s forehead. “Your brain is beautiful. You’re so smart Tennie, I want you to know how jealous of that I am. You can speak five languages and you’ve got one of the most creative minds I’ve seen.”

               He moves down a bit, kisses Ten’s nose. “You’ve got the most beautiful nose. I wanted to kiss it the first time we met I think.”

               Taeyong skips Ten’s lips with a smirk but moves down to mouth at Ten’s throat. “Your voice –” he presses an open-mouthed kiss on Ten’s adam’s apple, “Your voice gives me shivers.”

               He kisses his collarbones, “These make me weak in the knees.” Kisses his chest, kisses his stomach all the way across, “This – this makes me want.” Kisses the junctures of Ten’s hipbones and Ten feels his breath fan across them as he lingers there, “These are for another night.”

               He kisses and kisses and kisses every part of Ten’s upper body, not leaving any place untouched and the whole time Ten finds his heart caught in his throat, not able to form words, much less trust himself to speak them if he could. And finally, after an achingly long time, Taeyong returns to Ten’s lips and kisses him with more passion than any of the ones from the previous night. Ten can’t help but to return it with as much fever, pushing up his body but using a hand to pull Taeyong to him by the neck.

               They kiss until Ten can’t count, can’t think about the time. He doesn’t think about his knee, about future practices, about today’s practices, about anything other than the warm feeling of Taeyong’s lips pressed against him and their bodies flush.

               He doesn’t know when they fall asleep or how. He does know that maybe tonight he admitted to himself that he _loves_ Taeyong. He knows that there might be a slight possibility that Taeyong might _love_ him back.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> perhaps this is the calm before the storm, who knows.
> 
> also the whole 'new album' thing is just my wishful thinking. i am in no way saying that's happening. bc obviously i can't predict the future so that’s that. 
> 
>  
> 
> i won’t be posting the next chapter until i get 100 kudos cause i kinda feel like i’m writing to the void and that i’ve been updating too quickly. so i’m gonna hold off on that for a bit unless i get a few ppl wanting otherwise. srry guys.


	8. and i'm just lucky this is it, this is it.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> :') this is the official halfway chapter. 8 more to go :')

               Their cuddling doesn’t last in the morning because unfortunately for both of them, they’re going to be incredibly busy for the next month or so. To Ten this means no more late-night cuddling despite how much he knows it’ll break his heart. He’s worried he’ already growing too attached – as if he hasn’t been too attached since their rookie days.

               Taeyong wakes him up with soft, sweet kisses pressed to his whole face that leaves Ten a giggling mess as they get dressed. Before Taeyong leaves, Ten returns the favor by bringing him close and pinning him against his bedroom door and pulling him into a sensuous, long kiss that causes Taeyong to chase his lips as Ten steps back.

               He gives him another peck, feeling the softness of his lips, letting the warmth settle in. Ten smiles warmly, his eyes closed, the imprint of Taeyong’s blissed out face already stuck in his mind. “I wish.” Another kiss. “We could do this.” Another soft kiss, a bit more lingering with eyes open this time to fully capture Taeyong’s features. “Every morning.” Ten smiles into the kiss, causing Taeyong to do the same and they’re both messes. When he pulls back fully, he braces one arm against the door next to Taeyong’s head and uses the other hand to come up and palm Taeyong’s cheek. He’s getting to do all that he’s been thinking about since they were rookies. He’s getting the soft touches, the morning kisses, the late-night kisses and more than that.

               It’s times like this that give Ten the constant butterflies, the warmth in his chest and makes his knees weak. It’s times like this when Ten realizes just how lucky he is but also how easily he could fuck it all up and that scares him. But for right now, he’s going to push that to the back of his mind in favor of rubbing his thumb over Taeyong’s cheek and giving him a final goodbye kiss.

               “I’ll see you when our schedules line up. They will soon, I’ll ask manager-hyung and then I’ll message you,” Taeyong explains before he leaves the dorm itself. He and Ten are holding hands as they talk and Taeyong gently squeezes both hands before kissing Ten’s head gently and rushing out the door with a quick “Bye, see you!” Ten feels his heart soar and realizes he’s brought his hand up to touch his forehead where Taeyong’s lips touched and yet again he’s left feeling like an embarrassed school girl who has finally discovered the word ‘crush’.

               He turns around to see Jisung giving him probably one of the most fake disgusted looks he’s ever seen. Ten can’t even find it in himself to glare or argue cause he knows how gross he and Taeyong are already and he doesn’t have much of a say against Jisung.

               “You already know what I’m going to say,” Jisung tells him before grabbing a premade smoothie from their fridge.

               “How are we the gross ones when you know there’s three other people who are indefinitely worse,” Ten says, laughing a bit as he walks down the hallway, ignoring Jisung’s exasperated look.

               “Not what I was going to say!” He calls still from the kitchen.

               “That’s hyung to you!” Ten shuts the door and finishes his actual getting ready, having been too distracted by Taeyong to grab everything he needs for today. He’s got to perform his SM Station songs for a preview of another SM Station and he’s been practicing for an ungodly amount of time. Today is no exception. It’s dance practice, vocal lessons, break, Korean lessons, dance practice, go home, sleep, repeat. This will go on until the actual concert which is a week from today and he tries not to dread the upcoming week but it’s difficult not to.

               He feels like all he’s been doing lately is practice, practice, practice and he’s hardly got any free time to spend with the other members. If it’s not one thing, it’s another interview, another quick practice tucked into an already tight schedule, another group event. It’s great and all, but sometimes, Ten feels claustrophobic. Like everything he’s doing is catching up to him and suddenly he’ll be thirty and his life will be over and he won’t remember anything other than practice and practice and practice.

               The thing he’s most worried about is his knee. It doesn’t hurt all the time, but it shouldn’t hurt at all. Especially since he’s got so many important events coming up. He can’t afford for anything to happen to it, but he also can’t take a break and keep off of it.

               There’s a knock on his door, Jaemin’s voice cutting through, “Hyung, the van is here for you.” He hears the footsteps walk away and his heart jumps, he’s been so caught up in his head that he hasn’t gotten anything ready. In five minutes, his room looks like a storm hit it, but thankfully he’s gotten everything and running through the dorm yelling a quick, “Bye babies, love you! See you tonight!” He doesn’t hear responses which is normal as it’s seven in the morning and most of the Dreamies are asleep.

               The driver looks mildly angry, and gives him narrowed eyes as Ten hurriedly slides into the backseat, nearly dropping his bag in the process. He ignores it and instead situates himself to look a bit less like he just sprinted down five flights of stairs because the elevator would have ben too slow.

               When they reach the company building Ten already knows he’s going to get a scolding from his choreographer. They’re fifteen minutes late because of some stupid traffic jam that held them up in the middle of town. He doesn’t run into the practice room this time, only because he can’t afford to be out of breath yet.

               Somehow, he doesn’t get a scolding. His choreographer just gives him a slightly concerned look and they begin the practice. Some of his moves are lacking today and he knows it. Even his choreographer asks if everything is alright and Ten reassures him it is, he’s just not sure what’s wrong. Because he’s not. He can’t figure out why but he can’t do a simple move he’s done a thousand times. His footing is all off and his arms won’t twist the right way, everything seems too mechanical and they’re supposed to be smooth.

               It causes him to get irrationally angry to the point where he rips off his hat and throws it to the ground, scaring one of his backup dancers – they’d arrived right after stretches and Ten had been glad to have someone to talk to except, for right now.

               “Hyung, are you…” One of them, he forgets his name, begins but trails off when Ten turns on him. Apparently, his expression was enough of an answer.

               “Let’s give Ten a moment to collect himself. Boys, we’ll run through your parts real quick, I’ll stand in for Ten,” his choreographer explains and motions not so subtly for Ten to take a seat on the couch.

               He really isn’t sure what the problem is. Ten knows days like this happen. He knows better than some that there will be days that completely kick your ass. Days where you can’t stick a single move. Days where you’re so overworked you faint in the middle of practice. He’s gone through it all. So why is today any different?

               Ten watches the backup dancers go through the motions perfectly and he envies them at the moment. They go over the dance for Dream in a Dream a few times before the choreographer signals for a water break.

               One of the younger backup dancers, Hyongbin joins him on the couch, sitting a small distance away. He gives Ten a soft smile and Ten finds his shoulders drop, not having realized they were tensed. Ten places his face in his hands and lets out a breathy laugh. “I’m sorry for scaring you guys,” he tells the young man.

               Hyongbin reaches over and pats his shoulder, “We all have those days. You’re one of the greatest dancers to exist hyung. I know you’ll be fine.” When Ten looks up all he sees is a genuinely soft, kind look on the boy’s face Ten returns the look.

               “Thank you,” he responds quietly and takes a deep breath before grabbing his water bottle and taking a long drink. Ten smiles again at the backup dancer who has been quietly staring at the other dancers who are conversing among themselves in the other corner of the room. A couple of times they glance over after taking a break from whispering but nearly jump anytime they catch Ten returning the look. He’s not sure what that’s all about, he’ll probably message Hyongbin later.

               “Alright, each dance from the top. Nail the moves and then we can all go home,” his choreographer looks at him, pauses, looks mildly embarrassed, “Well, we can. Ten… You just get to have more fun.”

               Ten gives him an unamused look with raised eyebrows and shakes his head before getting into starting position. They take it from the top and Ten actually manages to hit the move that had been giving him trouble before and internally he’s sighing in relief. He doesn’t know what he would have done if he hadn’t been able to hit the move. The hat probably wouldn’t have been the only thing thrown.

               They finish the other songs for the performance and Ten flops onto the ground, not wanting to move. He can’t feel his legs. He’s never wanted for sleep more than at this moment.

               When he finally gets back to the dorms, he does exactly what he wants and sleeps. He ignores his Mandarin lessons with Chenle, the younger boy only coming into his room for a moment asking if Ten was still wanting to. He feels bad mainly because he’s realized he’s forgotten Chenle’s BBQ, but he promises the kid they’ll go tomorrow – he swears on it. Chenle laughs and shuts off Ten’s light before leaving.

               With all of that out of the way, Ten falls into an unfortunately restless sleep. He keeps dreaming about being on stage at the SMTown concert again, only this time, he’s holding Taeyong’s hand and everyone is booing them. It switches to a similar situation but now he’s alone in front of all of SM’s higher ups and they’re sliding him contract termination papers.

               It’s safe to say that when he wakes up, it’s in a cold sweat and a bit too early in the morning for it to be healthy.

\--

               For the next month, things go by like this: Practice every day – sometimes dance, sometimes vocal, cardio training, mandarin lessons, interviews, photoshoots, preparing for debuts and shows. It’s more stress than Ten remembers and he’s got absolutely no downtime. He hasn’t seen Taeyong in over a week, mainly because they haven’t been having full eighteen-member practices. They’re preparing for their comebacks, so all their time is devoted to that. Taeyong himself, has been preparing for awards season, knowing they’ll have to make an appearance on various shows, so that too adds to their non-ability to have a moment alone.

               Ten doesn’t want to admit it, but he’s growing desperate. He misses Taeyong and he knows it’s childish but he’s jealous of anyone and everyone that gets to spend even a minute of time with him. He had gotten so used to Taeyong being around but now that their schedules are picking up again it feels like a little part of him is missing. He hates this feeling because he’s not used to wanting someone around like this constantly.

               His phone pings with a message one day when he’s on his way to dance practice. He’s in the van with Chenle, Renjun and Xuxi on the way to meet Kun.

               It’s a message from Taeyong, a picture of himself actually. He opens it to see Taeyong sleepily smiling at him, a peace sign by his eye. He’s also in a van going somewhere and the message underneath the picture is a simple ‘good morning <3 miss you’. Ten finds himself staring a bit too fondly at his phone, to the point where Renjun teases him for looking so smitten.

               “You know hyung, I thought you and Taeyong-hyung would get over your ‘grossly in love’ phase quickly, but you guys prove me wrong again,” Renjun begins with a smug look on his face, leaning against the window.

               Ten chooses to ignore Renjun and sends a similarly posed picture to Taeyong and adds another one of him making a kissing face for good measure.

               He attaches a message too, because this morning he learned from his manager that he and the rest of the China unit would have the day off tomorrow with the exception of Sicheng of course.

 **Ten:** miss you too  <3

 **Ten:** are you free tomorrow night?

 **Taeyong:** not really, but I think I can sneak a little bit of time for you

 **Taeyong:** manager-hyung won’t be too mad

 **Taeyong:** plus, I miss you a lot

 **Taeyong:** like a lot lot

 **Ten:** you wanna video chat then?

 **Taeyong:** I wish I could see you not through a screen

 **Taeyong:** :(

 **Ten:** when you get back from osaka  <3

               Xuxi is looking over his shoulder and lets out a laugh. “Wow hyung, you’re soft for Taeyong-hyung huh?”

               Ten swats his head but says nothing too content to let himself indulge for the time being. It’s not often he gets the chance to do this, even on their downtime he’s spending all his seconds learning more Mandarin. He’s been trying to show his manager that he’s taking the whole NCT China thing seriously, so that means constant practice and no fun.

               He sighs when he realizes Taeyong is probably now busy – they have their concert to get prepared for and Taeyong, being the leader has to basically do everything. Sometimes Ten worries for him, hoping Taeyong gets a break from all of his duties. He thinks Taeyong is a bit too young to be their leader. To have so much on his plate at once. But it’s one of the things he’ll never bring up to Taeyong, because he knows he’d take it the wrong way. But Ten is just so… worried.

\--

               Taeyong lounges in their dressing room after the concert’s conclusion, waiting for the rest of his group to be done with their individual interviews. He's drowsy from last night, having spent more than a couple hours talking to Ten. They'd facetimed until Ten fell asleep and Taeyong couldn't help but to smile fondly for a few seconds before hanging up. Unfortunately for him, he had to wake up two hours later and he might regret it in the slightest. If only because he thinks his head might roll off or do something funny the longer he stays awake. 

               Johnny and Jaehyun have been busy cleaning up the room, insisting Taeyong take a break and ‘let them handle some things every once in a while’. He’d huffed, rolled his eyes, but didn’t argue. He can’t really deny that he does kind of want to just sleep for the next couple of days.

               After a short bit, Hyuck finds his way over to cuddle up to Taeyong’s side on the couch and Taeyong slings an arm over the younger boy’s shoulder.

               “Hyung, please will you cook us something when we get back to the dorm? As much as I love Japanese food, I need some of your Bibimbap. I think I might die if I don’t, or I’ll be killed and eaten by Johnny-hyung who hasn’t stopped eating since we’ve gotten here,” Hyuck whines into Taeyong’s neck, curling closer and rubbing his face into the black t-shirt there.

               Haechan gets like that when he’s tired. Clingly, cat-like. Taeyong finds it to be one of the most adorable things to exist – that is besides the pictures Ten sends him every day they’re apart from each other.

               Taeyong pats the top of Hyuck’s head gently, smoothing down his golden hair. Sighs dramatically but grins nonetheless, “Anything for you my little Hyuckie. Ten and I have a date though, so it’ll be a bit later at night, can you survive that much longer?”

               Hyuck nods his head somberly but doesn’t say anything. Eventually Jaehyun leaves Johnny in favor of copying Hyuck and snuggling up to Taeyong as well. “You’re both shameless cuddlers. Where is Taeil-hyung? Isn’t this his job?” Taeyong tells them, laughing a bit but still running his hands through their hair, eliciting soft hums from them in response.

               “He’s still interviewing. He’s the last one actually,” Jaehyun explains lazily, his eyes closing slowly. Only then does Taeyong realize just how late it is for all of them. They’ve had an unrelentingly busy day, full of practice, hair and makeup, interviews, photos, the actual concert itself, more interviews, showers.

               Soon enough, the trio is nodding off, Taeyong knows he shouldn’t, he’s got to be the responsible one, but he gives himself this little downtime. He closes his eyes and basks in the warmth of the two other boys close to him, feeling their breaths puff against his neck and he lets himself drift off.

               He’s shaken awake by their manager, who gently lets them know they’re leaving now and the van is waiting. Taeyong pries the other two boys off of him, who wake in the process and he repeats their manager’s words. The pair give him frowns in return but trudge their way out of the venue and to the van waiting to take them to the airport.

               Somewhere in between the van and the airport and the airplane and the van ride back to the dorms, Taeyong manages to send Ten a goodnight message and an early morning one to follow when they land.

               It’s five in the morning when they finally make it to the dorms and Taeyong makes sure everyone is safely in their respective rooms, luggage put away, living room cleaned and everything in general is as it should be. His feet feel like lead and his head is fuzzy, but he pushes it aside and walks into Hyuck and Jaehyun’s room, giving them respective kisses on their sleeping heads before making his way back to his and Johnny’s shared room.

               “I don’t get a kiss?” Johnny laughs from his side of the room. Taeyong doesn’t need to see him to knows he’s smirking and laughing like a dork.

               “I can’t believe you’re older than me,” Taeyong says in response, and picks his way across their room in the dark to find Johnny’s head to give him a ‘goodnight kiss’ too. “I know you guys couldn’t go to sleep without them, and who am I to deny you all?” Taeyong hums and finally, _finally_ , lies in his own bed, not bothering to set an alarm for the next morning. The sun is coming up as he nods off and the only thing on his mind is the fact that he’ll see Ten in a few hours and he’ll get to kiss Ten in a few hours and he’ll get to hold Ten in a few hours.

\--

               They go to the movie theater, only managed after Taeyong pestered their manager ceaselessly and promised not to ask for something like this for a while. Of course, he couldn’t say it’s a date – he had to come up with some excuse of bonding more with their groupmates and unfortunately had to invite along Doyoung, Jaehyun, Jungwoo and Lucas. Not that he doesn’t adore them, but he’d wanted this time alone with Ten.

               Lucas suggests they watch the movie Minho-sunbaenim is in and everyone agrees of course. Lucas also suggests Taeyong pay for their treats since he invited them all and Taeyong feels his wallet and stomach clench. But Ten gently taps his side and sends him a soft smile which causes a tin eruption of warmth in his heart.

               “Me and hyung will split the cost you little gremlin,” Ten chides and reaches up to ruffle Lucas’ hair. They’re in line, everyone trying to decide what they want and Taeyong feels years come off his life every time Lucas lets out a too loud sound arguing with Doyoung or Jungwoo about candy. He can’t have anyone causing too much attention or soon there will be crazed fans hounding them down like they’d done to Taeyong at the airport. Ten had messaged him, freaking out that whole day and Taeyong had to reassure him about every five minutes. Perhaps that’s why today the shorter man had been a bit clingier.

               The candy is bought and they make their way to the seats a bit early, Jaehyun having explained that they have to get there early or they’ll be forced to have terrible seats and he just can’t not sit in the very back row. So Taeyong, being one to not deny them anything, forces everyone to get ready early just so Jaehyun can get the back row.

               Taeyong goes to sit down next to Doyoung but he holds his hand out, “Uh no, hyung. You and Ten-ah are not sitting near us. We don’t need you guys kissing and being domestically gross while we’re watching the movie.”

               He rolls his eyes, purses his lips and frowns just to let them all know he’s ‘disappointed’ and grabs Ten’s hand to pull him to the top corner – he has to keep an eye on the kids too.

               “Doyoungie is dumb, I wasn’t gonna kiss you in a theater full of people,” Ten explains with a slight huff, pouting a bit when they sit down. “But, I am going to hold your hand this whole movie, so you better get ready.” At this he does laugh and reaches out to take hold of Taeyong’s hand, pulling it into his lap and gently playing with it.

Taeyong finds his heart doing summersaults and he hopes his palm isn’t already sweaty. He’ll never get used to being able to do little things like this with Ten. He loves the way their hands seem to fit together so well despite Ten’s being noticeably smaller. He loves the way Ten knows just what to do and say to remind Taeyong that he’s more than just a leader. He loves the way Ten reminds him to take some time for himself. He loves right now.

               “You’re such a dork,” Taeyong chides, tugging on Ten’s pinkie.

               “Your dork.” And if that doesn’t make Taeyong’s heart stutter he doesn’t know what will.

               Ten laughs and it’s a little too loud in the quiet theater and some people look back at them from the seats up front, causing the pair to sink into their seats and Taeyong smacks Ten’s shoulder, the other boy letting out another round of obnoxious giggles.

               “Sorry, sorry,” Ten laughs, his eyes closing and tears forming at the edges. “It’s just your face always gets so red any time I say something cheesy and you’re too cute, I just had to laugh.”

               “You laugh because I’m cute?” Taeyong scoffs, pretending to be offended and smacks Ten again. “You’re gonna regret that.” At this, Ten stops and now it’s his turn to go red as Taeyong sends him a smirk.

               They watch the movie in silence after this.

\--

               Taeyong watches contently from the back of the van. Lucas and Ten are in a heated debate about what the actual best part of the movie was. Ten claiming he knew the best part because he was friends with Minho-sunbaenim and Lucas claiming he knew more because he and Minho-sunbaenim were basically twins. Doyoung, Jungwoo and Jaehyun are all talking about something else that Taeyong isn’t focusing on. He’s too busy trying to avoid their manager’s prying eyes from the front seat. Taeyong knows the way he’s looking at Ten is a bit too intense to be considered platonic but seeing Ten like this, talking happily despite the bags under his eyes – it’s one of those moments where Taeyong feels so overtaken with love and he physically cannot stop the fond look from growing on his face.

               Thankfully their manager says nothing and they make it back to the dorms without Ten and Lucas fighting each other. Their manager also offered to stop by the other dorms to drop off the boys who didn’t stay in the 127 ones, but Taeyong insisted they had a sleepover – yet again under the guise of team bonding, when in reality he was keeping Ten all to himself.

               They enter the dorms quietly, so as not to wake anyone up. It’s not too late at night but Taeyong knows a few of the members really could use the extra sleep since their last few days were quite hectic. The other four part ways, though Taeyong isn’t paying attention – he’s a bit more focused on the way Ten is leaning into his space, pressing his mouth along the column of Taeyong’s throat. He knows his face is flushed and his breath is coming out shaky, _he knows._ He knows they shouldn’t do anything in their dorms of all places but all his rationality is thrown out the window when Ten makes the softest little moan when Taeyong presses him against the door. His hands find themselves pinning Ten’s up above his head and all thoughts fly south when Ten repeats the noise.

               Taeyong finally manages to get the door open, and upon seeing Johnny is gone, his stuff cleared off the bed, sends a silent prayer to the other man. He’s going to have to cook Johnny’s favorite meals for the next week as a thank you.

               He finds his mind free of all thoughts besides the man below him. And when Ten glances up, having taken a break from leaving open mouthed kisses along his neck. When he glances up with _that_ look. A look that Taeyong knows will be playing behind his eyelids on a constant loop. He knows he’s done for. There’s a picture of his face next to the word ‘smitten’ in the dictionary. Right next to the two words ‘in love’. He knows he’s too far to turn back now. He knows. He knows. _He knows_. And he makes sure Ten knows the entire rest of the night.   

\--

               Taeyong’s eyes are barely open as he and Ten step through the frosted glass doors into one of the SM business meeting rooms. They’d received texts from their manager to report immediately to the company building and they’d gotten dressed in haste, not even having the chance to enjoy a blissed-out morning to themselves.

               There is no ‘hello’. There is no ‘good morning’. There are no words said. No. But the sound of a manila folder being slapped down on the elongated table rings true.

               A single photograph slides out just enough. Just the tiniest bit for Taeyong to recognize it. When he does, there is no worse feeling in the world that he’s experienced. He can’t look at Ten. He can’t look at their manager. He can’t. So, he stands there. Looking at the corner of that photograph while his entire world is ripped out from underneath him.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> can u uh, guess what the photograph is of?
> 
> also, to me this chapter is complete shit bc writers block has kinda hit me hard but hopefully its enough for now. ill let u guys sit on this one for a hot minute.
> 
> also also idk anything about minhos movie or when it’s out in theaters or if it is in theaters. it’s just here for plot device. uhh also idk anything about nct’s schedule or plane flights or anything of that sort so let’s pretend it all makes sense okie ?
> 
> edit: thank u for the 100 kudos and 900 hits!!! it means a lot guys <333
> 
> edit pt2: i’ll post the next chapter when this gets to 1k hits or 150 kudos. whichever comes first! love u guys <3


	9. plant your feet, take this dance

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> short update, sorry guys! ive had a super busy schedule and like no time or inspiration to write. next chapter should be better <3 (i hope)

               “This is beyond unacceptable.”

               “This is unbecoming of idols.”

               “Your image would be disintegrated.”

               “This is disgusting.”

               “This will be the end of whatever is going on between the pair of you.”

               These are the statements Taeyong hears when their managers and higher ups decide to speak. There are others, but his mind is racing so alarmingly fast he can’t comprehend much else. He can’t focus on Ten next to him, shaking. He can’t focus on anyone’s faces, their anger. He can’t focus.

               He feels Ten’s hand grip his for a second and Taeyong looks up slowly, the room eerily quiet. They still haven’t gotten to sit down, though Taeyong thinks he wouldn’t be able to sit even if they were offered to.

               The look in Ten’s eyes is unreadable, he knows there’s pain there, confusion, fear, but something else he can’t place and that’s what strikes worry in Taeyong’s heart. He doesn’t like that look. He’s not seen it before and it certainly doesn’t sit well with him.

               “I don’t understand,” Taeyong says quietly, breaking his gaze away from Ten’s. His voice comes out rough, still sleep filled and timid. He’s never felt more childish, naïve, out of depth, scared, helpless or a million other words he can’t think of. He knows, he understands, but he doesn’t. He doesn’t know why he can’t just have this one thing. Why he can’t have Ten. Happiness.

               One of the manager’s manager gives him a cold sneer points between Taeyong and Ten, placates them with a disgusted look. “There’s nothing to understand. What’s done is done, and so are you.”

               Taeyong doesn’t want to hear this.

               “It doesn’t matter what you want,” another business suited guy says unkindly. It’s then Taeyong realizes he voiced his thoughts out loud. “You – Taeyong. You are the center of a well-known group, currently preparing for a comeback. You are the comeback. You are NCT. You’re not gay. You’re not that man’s boyfriend or whatever it is you do with him. You cannot let yourself believe that. We are not going to let NCT be represented by whatever you are when you’re with that man.”

               He doesn’t even realize he’s stepping forward until Ten’s arm is slamming into his chest, holding him back not too gently. Every part of him is filled with pure anger and a need to send this man to the floor. Taeyong knows he’s not an aggressive person, non-confrontational, a bit of a wimp, but in this moment, all of that flies out of the window.

               “That man –” he points at Ten, “Has a name. It’s ‘Ten’.” Another point. “That man, has done more for NCT than you can probably imagine. That man, is more of a man than you’ll ever be in your shriveled up disappointing life.”

               “Taeyong-ssi, another disrespectful word out of you and you’ll find yourself replaced as the head of NCT. Do not think that you are that irreplaceable that we cannot find anyone else to do your job.” That was from one of the manager’s manager. Someone who has nearly as much control as the CEO’s of SM. Taeyong begins to open his mouth, to let him know that it’s fine. He can even find his replacement. His mind is racing now and every thought threatens to slip out. But Ten grabs his hand again, squeezing it once tightly before letting go. It earns a narrow-eyed look from everyone in the room.

               “We’ve told you our terms. If you fail to listen, you will both be removed from any future NCT activities permanently. Continue on with your schedules while we spend good money to make these pictures disappear,” the same manager’s manager says before holding up the offending pictures.

               The dreaded pictures. Their first date at the Han. The kiss that barely lasted a second. Taken from an obviously far distance. Taeyong can’t decide if he wants to frame them or burn them. He can’t decide what he feels at the moment.

               They aren’t allowed another word and are ushered out of the room. Ten doesn’t hold his hand on the way to the elevator. He doesn’t hold his hand as they walk to the van. He doesn’t hold his hand on the ride or when they drop Ten off or when he says goodbye. Ten doesn’t even look at Taeyong.

               All Taeyong can think about is how quiet Ten had been. How he hadn’t said a thing during the whole ‘meeting’. How Ten couldn’t look at him the entire way back.

\--

               Jaehyun is the first to knock gently on his door, pushing it open without Taeyong’s answer. He was going to come in regardless, so Taeyong didn’t bother. He hasn’t moved in hours, foregoing practice to mope.

               He feels a dip in the mattress, and warm, strong arms coming to wrap around his middle, pulling him close and it breaks him. Taeyong knows he doesn’t have to speak a word. He’s thankful for Jaehyun always knowing exactly what Taeyong needs and right now, he just needs someone to hold him tight before whatever is left in him falls to pieces.

               Taeyong hates this. He hates not being in control of things. His feelings and emotions and everything else in between. He can’t stand when decisions are made for him. He’s his own person and he has learned enough in life and matured enough to know he can make his own decisions. He’s proved himself countless times.

               He can’t understand – he doesn’t get why or how Ten can cut him off like this, so simply. He can’t understand, so he cries. He’s not a dignified crier either. No. He’s an ugly crier, full of sniffling and puffed eyes and hiccups. He doesn’t often let people see him cry for specifically this reason.

               “I’m glad that you do have an ugly side to you. Makes me feel better,” Jaehyun whispers, laughing into Taeyong’s neck and Taeyong elbows him gently in response, hiccupping out a small huff of a laugh. It’s a dumb cliché joke, but Taeyong is thankful for Jaehyun’s dumb words.

               Taeyong doesn’t even know why he’s crying. Actually, he does, but he doesn’t know why he’s got to cry. He feels full to the brim with every emotion on the human spectrum. Maybe this has been inevitable.

               “I don’t understand,” he finds himself repeating his words from earlier on in the week.

               “He won’t talk to me either. I haven’t gotten word from the kids either, so he must not be so well off either,” Jaehyun explains quietly, not even having to ask to know what Taeyong is referring to. “I don’t like playing the middleman in all of this, but you two are my closest friends besides Johnny-hyung and I definitely do not like seeing either of you in this situation. Personally, I think you two should talk.”

               “What is there to talk about? Everything was stated perfectly clear in our contracts we were forced to sign the day after the pictures came out. I can’t get a word out of Ten, so obviously he doesn’t want to speak.”

               “That’s your guys’ problem, you both think you know what the other will say, but you don’t want to find out for yourselves.”

               Taeyong elbows him again, only this time it’s slightly harder than when they were joking. “I’ve been busy,” he says simply, not in the mood to be scolded by someone younger than him.

               “Moping.”

               “I didn’t invite you in here to scold me,” Taeyong bites out a little coldly.

               “You didn’t invite me at all, actually.”

               “I’m already starting to regret it in fact –” Taeyong receives a tight squeeze from Jaehyun, cutting off his words.

               Jaehyun pulls him closer, “Stop being dumb and let me hug some love into you,” he begins softly. “But please talk to Ten-hyung soon. I think you’re both being dumb.”

\--

               They don’t talk. Not really either of them is at fault for this though. Their schedules are packed to the max and Taeyong thinks maybe their managers are to blame – purposefully making sure he and Ten are unable to even spend a second together. There’s always something. It’s infuriating and each time his manager texts him their schedule, he wants to reply with a barrage of inappropriate words, but he’d got to be responsible so he can’t.

               And so, they don’t talk. Don’t text. Don’t even check up on each other and Taeyong can’t understand what’s going through Ten’s mind. He doesn’t know how Ten can be this absolute about things when they’d given so much for each other. He’d thought Ten had been true with his feelings and had fully known what Taeyong was saying when he said he’d cared for Ten since their first meeting.

               It's somewhere around midnight that Taeyong receives a text and he glares at the offending phone, face down on the edge of his bed. He’s lying there quietly in the dark listening to music, Johnny having left to go to the radio station a while ago. He hates sleeping in his bed now. He hates being reminded of everything that happened on this bed. But it’s not like he can ask for a new one.

               Another message pings and he groans to the empty room, rolls over and snatches the phone up, unlocking it to see it’s actually a message from their manager, letting him know they’ll have a 7am practice with all eighteen members tomorrow to prepare for a special stage of Black on Black. He responds with a simple ‘k’ because he still can’t have his manager thinking he’s alright with anything that’s been going on recently. And since he’s had so much time to simmer, Taeyong has been feeling a bit angrier, quick to snap at anyone for even little things.

               He knows it’s no one’s fault, but he can’t seem to find an outlet for whatever he’s feeling. Not even dancing is something like a release anymore.

               Taeyong tries not to think about this, remembering he’s still got responsibilities and sends out a text to their group chat and makes sure everyone responds because he will not be the one getting in trouble if anyone ‘sleeps through’ practice. This is the only message Ten responds to. Taeyong ignores the way his heart clenches along with his jaw, not knowing whether to ache or grow angry.

               He swipes the messages up to get rid of them and rolls back over, closing his eyes and tries to focus on the music. When one of the songs Ten recommended to him comes on shuffle, he throws his phone to the end of the bed and stubbornly refuses to listen any longer.

               When he finally does fall asleep, he figures it’s around two in the morning. Taeyong’s mind has been racing with thoughts of Ten, the group, himself. Anything and everything. It’s safe to say his sleep will be fitful at the least.

\--

               With a groggy mind and hurting heart, Taeyong steps in the practice room ready to face whatever is going to happen today.

               What he doesn’t expect though, is for Ten to come in looking completely wrecked and devoid of any emotion other than extreme tiredness. And for a moment Taeyong slips. He feels his heart break all over again. He’s never been able to see others in pain and ignore it, he’s too caring sometimes and it gets the best of him – double all this with Ten.

               The man in question wears all black and a hat pulled low to cover his eyes but Taeyong can see the bags. He can see the exhaustion rolling off Ten in waves. It’s in the way his shoulders sag. The way his feet seem to drag and the way he hangs off of Jaemin like his life depends on it. The younger boy sends a narrow-eyed look to anyone who comes too close to Ten and Taeyong decides it’s best to leave the pair alone and try to talk to Ten after practice.

               Their choreographer comes in shortly and begins to explain things, leading them through stretches and warm up exercises. Taeyong finds himself slipping easily back into his role of leader at least for the time being. He reminds various members of the new steps, giving them pointers and explaining some of the new moves. At a point he walks over to Doyoung to fix his footwork and he feels Ten’s stare boring into the side of his head – he ignores this.

               Everything is going fine until Ten’s solo. He stumbles, a tiny little stumble, barely noticeable to anyone but Taeyong because he’s watched Ten’s solo probably a few hundred times. Probably because he’s secretly been watching Ten’s knee every chance he gets. Ten doesn’t fall, but the way his jaw clenches just the slightest in his next few steps causes Taeyong’s worry to expand greatly.

               They finish the dance with only a few more minor bumps, though it’s a great first run through by themselves. Their choreographer lets them have a water break and Taeyong finds his feet following Ten on their own accord as they walk out of the practice room and into a smaller room with couches and fridge. They’re the only two in here.

               “Hi,” Taeyong begins a little quietly when Ten turns around. Taeyong is surprised that Ten _doesn’t_ look surprised he followed him, almost like he was expecting Taeyong to be right behind. “Is your knee –”

               “It’s fine,” Ten cuts him off, not harshly, but his eyes say otherwise. He’s staring straight at Taeyong to the point where it’s unnerving and Taeyong thinks he can finally understand what Ten meant when he said he hated intense eye contact. Being on the receiving end of this look from Ten is not something Taeyong had ever really wanted to experience.

               “Oh,” Taeyong mumbles. He doesn’t like this – whatever it is. He looks down, biting his thumbnail absentmindedly. A drop of water rolls across Ten’s fingers from where he’s gripping the bottle. Taeyong’s eyes follow it, still biting his nail.

               Somehow this causes Ten’s eyes to soften and he lets out a little sigh. “I mean, it hurts, but I’m fine. Really. I’m more tired than anything,” he trails off, squeezing the water bottle a bit tightly. “It’s hard to sleep…lately.” Taeyong looks back up to Ten’s face to see him widen his eyes a bit, like he surprised himself by the admission.

               “I can understand,” Taeyong says still quiet. He feels like speaking any louder would ruin this whole thing. “I – I have that problem too.”

               Ten nods at this but doesn’t say anything and Taeyong is left wondering how Ten can be so cool about all of this. How he can seemingly turn off his feelings for Taeyong this quickly, or at least hide it this well.

               “Do you know why?” He stumbles out, his voice slightly raised this time, anger hinting at the edges because he can’t help it. “Do you know why I can’t sleep Ten-ssi?” Taeyong asks,his anger bubbling up finally hitting the breaking point, this time throwing in the formal ending out of spite. If Ten was going to treat him as nothing more than an acquaintance, then he would do the same.

               Ten’s face jerks up, his eyes dark and despite the hat covering them Taeyong can see clearly the pain and anger in them.

               “I don’t care why,” Ten says, voice flat. He begins to step forward brushing past Taeyong, but he stands still in the doorway not letting the younger man pass. Ten glances at him, affronted.

               “That much is obvious.”

               If Ten’s eyes were dark before, Taeyong think’s he’s never known the color black, because now, now Ten looks like he could murder someone just by staring at them.

               He steps back, eyes now level with Taeyong. “You think this is easy on me? You think I’m fine with all of this?” Taeyong wants to say yes. He wants to tell Ten that it’s been unbearably rough on him and every moment without Ten he can’t breathe. Instead he says: “Apparently you are.”

               Ten stares back at him incredulously. “I’m sorry, but are you fucking kidding me?” Crosses his arms. His voice is raised and for once Taeyong feels like the smaller of the two but he won’t let it show.

               When Taeyong doesn’t answer Ten pushes on. “This past month –” he sucks in a harsh breath and Taeyong only looks at Ten’s throat. “Has been hell. But I’m handling it all because that’s what I do. I can’t afford to _not_ handle it. But that doesn’t make it easy.”

               “You didn’t have to handle it alone,” Taeyong finds himself being honest, his voice cracking. He can’t decide if he’s angry or sad. He thinks he’s hurt, most of all. But it’s Ten, and he can never resent him.

               Ten’s face softens too – it seems the pair of them can’t really stay mad at each other.

               “I know,” he whispers out, glancing down, playing with the bottle again. “But I won’t be responsible for the end of our careers. We didn’t work this hard for everything to come to an end because we couldn’t control ourselves.”

               It feels like a slap in the face. “ _Control ourselves_?” Taeyong’s voice simmers with confusion and anger and he thinks maybe he _can_ be pissed at Ten.

               Ten’s throat bobs and he nods, his face steeling, apparently getting the proper reaction out of Taeyong he looks up. “Yes. I shouldn’t have let us take it that far. I knew there was no way for it to end well. And we were just passing the time together.”

               “Where are you getting this from? When you talked to me at the Han, when you said you’d liked me since our Rookies days, was that a lie? Were you just using me for your urges?” Taeyong questions rapidly, his voice dripping with barely concealed venom. It was unbelievable. Unbelievable that Ten would use him for his body. He knows Ten is lying, but that makes it hurt all the worse.

               Ten’s eyes are staring at the wall behind him as he says it. “I lied. I needed a warm body and you were there.”

               A beat passes. A few more. All that’s heard in the room is their shallow breathing and the plastic of the water bottle being squeezed in Ten’s vicelike grip. Ten won’t meet his eyes but Taeyong doesn’t push it. This entire situation is incredibly ridiculous and Taeyong wonders how it went all wrong so quickly. A few months ago, they’d been happily sending pictures to each other as morning greetings and spending their nights in bed, learning each other in the most intimate way. A few weeks ago, Taeyong probably could have admitted he was in love. A few weeks ago, he’d felt happier than when they’d gotten their first win (something he embarrassingly admitted to himself). And now this.

               “Why are you doing this? Why are you lying?” Taeyong asks.

               “You know why. It can’t – _we_ can’t happen. There’s no way around it Yong. Even if we hadn’t gotten caught at the Han, it would have happened sooner or later,” Ten explains, his voice now tired and eyes red rimmed. “There’s too much at stake for the both of us, so let’s just… focus on that. We can be friends, but a relationship can’t happen. The managers told us this.”

               “And since when have we listened to the managers?”

               “Since our entire lives are basically on the line. As popular and well liked as you are, something like this will destroy your career. You know this. Not even you can recover from a dating scandal involving a member of your own group. And like I said. I won’t be the cause of this. It’s not even about my career, I stopped caring about that a while ago really, but I care about you and your success and your life. So, the only way for you to move forward in it is to have me as a friend and nothing else.”

               “A friend.” It’s all Taeyong can get from the conversation. He doesn’t think he can be Ten’s friend after everything. He can’t keep his feelings in check.

               Ten nods slowly. Steps past Taeyong – he lets him – and turns around, “Friends.”

\--

               As Ten walks back to the practice room he tries not to look back. He doesn’t want to see the way Taeyong wears his heartbreak. He can’t do it. He hates that he put that look on Taeyong’s face. He hates himself for being so cold. He hates everything about this. But he can’t be the reason Taeyong loses his job or status as an idol. He would never forgive himself if he let Taeyong choose him over NCT.

               He knows the only way to achieve that is to cut Taeyong off, or at least stop feeling anything remotely romantic about him. The walk back to the practice room is one of the most difficult things he’s done. He feels like the man from the one myth, where he’s getting his lover from hell and he can’t look back at her or he’ll lose her forever.

               Ten looks back.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i’ll post the next chapter when this hits 200 kudos ! :))
> 
> i know im high key dramatic but oh well. this chapter was a mess and im a mess idk what i was doing while writing but im posting it anyways woot woot
> 
> (also uh, despite this story existing already i started another taeten fic, but it's an au and uh if anyone's interested in helping me out by being a beta i'd really appreciate it. you can message me on twitter or tumblr @newheroez (it's the same for both) !! i'd be really happy to have someone let me know if it's worth continuing or anything ^^ you'd make my whole year, plus you'd get to read my stuff before i post it on here ! <3333)


	10. in the grand scheme, it's all just chance

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> oof, this one wasn't fun to write but my last braincell keeps giving up on me. i swear it'll get better :/

               The Dreamies have their comeback and it leaves Ten feeling hollowed out. He’s beyond happy for them, but now they’re making appearances on shows and their busy filming things and promotions have caught up with them and Ten is _lonely_. Sure, he spends time with the kids when he can at night, but his Chinese lessons have stopped with Chenle – Kun now taking over since he and Ten have been spending more time together. They all cuddle on the couch at night and Ten makes sure to give them all the love and support he can but he feels like he’s being left in the dust.

               He hates feeling this way because he is extremely proud and happy for the kids, but with this happening and him having to force his feelings for Taeyong to try to not exist, it’s a lot for his heart to handle. He is a people person and right now he’s lost his people. Eighteen members in their group and yet he feels like he’s got none. Because no one can understand what he’s feeling. No one can understand how it feels to have to break someone’s heart and in turn break yours along with it.

               Kun pokes his side, snapping him out of his slight daze and Ten jerks just slightly, adjusting the beanie pulled low on his hair.

               “Sorry,” Ten mumbles, “Was thinking.”

               The other man gives him a knowing look – one that Ten wishes he didn’t have to witness, so he turns his face away, avoiding eye contact. He can’t handle what he’ll see there. He hates Kun for that. For knowing exactly what goes on in Ten’s head.

               “You’ve been spacing out nearly every five minutes, should we just forget the lesson and get some snacks?” Kun asks gently, patting Ten’s head for good measure.

               Ten shakes his head, “No. I have to learn these phrases or it’s going to be the death of me. You know how it is when you just, can’t get something right. I have to or it’ll just add another problem to my list.”

               Kun nods and they continue going over some more complicated phrases. Ten’s pronunciation is fine, but he’s having difficulty finding the right words and where in the sentence order to put them and his brain is so wrung out and pulled tight that he thinks he might explode if Kun corrects his word order once more.

               Maybe he notices the look of growing frustration on Ten’s face because Kun lays a hand on Ten’s arm, squeezing gently. “We’re taking a break whether you like it or not,” he chides gently and Ten hates how soft his voice is and how it immediately soothes him.

               “Alright,” he complies and stretches his arms above his head, trying to release the tension he’s been holding in without realizing. His shoulders feel wrought and too tight and he lets out a groan when he feels one pop. Kun just laughs and shoves him in the seat a bit, opening the laptop and clacking away immediately.

               Ten envies Kun and the way ideas just flow right into his brain, the way he can just write something magical while it takes Ten what seems like a year to come up with any lyrics. He opts to draw instead, not having done it in a while he’s feeling inspired.  

               For a little bit they sit in relative silence, Kun’s phone playing soft music and the only other sound is the computer keys being clicked. It’s oddly soothing and Ten finds himself drawing his childhood dog and doodling flowers around it. It’s not even that good of a drawing but he’s glad he could at least make something instead of staring blankly at a paper like he’s done recently.

               Kun’s stomach rumbling breaks their short period of peace and he looks over to Ten sheepishly, “I can grab us some food from the café?”

               Ten shrugs, “Sure. Here’s some money so you don’t have to pay for me.” Kun tries to push it away but Ten pouts, “Kunkun take my money please.” And Ten knows Kun can’t resist, so when Kun wraps his around the folded bills, Ten gives him a winning grin and turns back to his paper while Kun walks out.

               He’s glad that Kun goes along with it. Ten doesn’t want to feel like someone who needs to be taken care of, he can pay for his own things. Just because he doesn’t smile easily anymore doesn’t mean he needs to be babied. Being treated like normal makes him feel better than being coddled. So, for that, he’s glad Kun knows what to do.

               While the older man is gone, Ten pushes his drawing aside, opting to scroll through some of the apps on his phone. He’s interrupted by a message from Taeyong. They’d been messaging lately, just about random things and it’s been cordial, mundane things like asking how each other’s day is and a song recommendation. Ten hates it. He hates having to be ‘just friends’. He hates knowing Taeyong’s heart is broken by the way he texts. But he won’t be the reason for Taeyong’s failed career or the downfall of NCT.

 **Taeyong:** when i get back want to go for ramen? or come over and watch a movie?

               He tries not to let his heart race at the suggestion of sitting on a couch with Taeyong, just watching a movie, or going to their café for ramen. He really tries. But even still his heart jumps at the chance to even remotely interact with Taeyong. He knows it’s going to hurt him even more in the long run but for now he just tamps it down and swallows before typing his reply.

 **Ten:** how about ramen then movie?

 **Taeyong:** i get back tomorrow afternoon. we’ll pick you up.

               Ten sends a thumbs up sticker in response, not trusting himself enough for words. Thankfully before he can do anything else dumb or think over his decision and realize it’s a terrible idea, Kun returns with food and coffee.

               They take a picture to put on twitter later and chat idly about their upcoming debut. Kun explains how he’s nervous he won’t make a good leader and Ten nearly slaps him.

               “You’re already the dad of nearly all of us, so I think you’ll be fine. You’re a natural leader. I don’t think you’ll have anything to worry about. Plus, the kids adore you and actually listen to you, unlike they do to me in the dorms. Have you ever tried to get them all to go to bed at a relatively decent time? They’re little demons sometimes and I think they all plan it out beforehand, to gang up on me,” Ten explains with a little grin.

               “I didn’t know you actually are decent with your advice sometimes. Thank you Ten, I really mean it. It means a lot coming from you,” Kun responds with a genuine smile and claps Ten’s shoulder, giving it a squeeze before turning back to his laptop to finish the song.

               Ten lets the joking, backhanded compliment slide and simply returns the grin and gives Kun a little shove before sipping on his coffee and going back to his drawing.

-

               Later that night Ten and the rest of the Dreamies excluding Mark and Hyuck are all pressed against each other on the small couch watching another episode of ‘What’s Wrong with Secretary Kim?’. Chenle is stretched out on their laps acting like the maknae he wishes he could be, with his head in Ten’s lap at the end. Ten’s hand cards through the boy’s green locks absentmindedly and he savors this little moment between them all. It hasn’t been often that they’ve gotten to do this and his heart feels content for the moment.

               He’s been all too aware that he’s been spilling his problems on the Dreamies lately and he’s worried he’s been adding extra stress to their already busy brains, so he hasn’t talked to them really about his and Taeyong’s fight. Ten doesn’t want to bring it up, but at the same time it’s difficult to ignore their pointed stares and too-long hugs when they leave him alone in the dorms in the morning.

               The episode ends and Ten’s about to suggest they go to bed and goes to stand up but Chenle shoves his head into Ten’s lap with force, “You’re not going anywhere. We’re watching this till we fall asleep.” Ten sends him a pointed look – which he ignores by keeping his head turned to face the TV – and sighs in resignation before continuing to run his hand through the boy’s hair.

               “You know you’re going to go bald if you keep dyeing this,” Ten reminds him softly, not really focusing on the episode in front of him.

               “You’ll go bald before us, oldie,” Chenle bites back playfully before stretching a bit and settling back into place.

               Somehow, a few hours later and around three in the morning, Ten ends up being sandwiched between Jisung and Jaemin – both of whom are clinging to him, their eyes barely open.

               “I’m not carrying you guys to bed,” Ten warns them as he unlatches their arms from him to turn the TV off.

               In the end, Jeno gives Renjun a piggy-back ride, Chenle stumbles into his room, and Ten does carry Jaemin and Jisung to their respective rooms, giving each a ruffle of their hair after placing them in bed.

               Ten lies in his bed listening to the playlist he made of songs Taeyong has recommended to him the past couple of days. He tries not to think about the meaning behind the songs and the way he can hear Taeyong’s hurt behind the lyrics of them. He tries not to think.

               He has this day and the next off – their managers giving them a slight break between everything that’s been going on and, in all honesty, he doesn’t want to do anything other than hang out with the kids, but he thinks he’s being slightly suffocating. He doesn’t know what he wants.

               He does, actually. But he has no choice in the matter. He wants Taeyong. He can’t have Taeyong. So, he sleeps.

-

               When Ten finally manages to wake up, it’s close to noon and his entire body groans in protest – literally, his knee barely moves. Thankfully he has the day off today, something he forgot to even check before agreeing to see Taeyong today, and he intends to spend it very lazily.

               He takes a shower first, noting he’s alone again in the dorms. The Dreamies left early in the morning to film something then to practice.

               When he cooks, it’s to an empty kitchen and he finds himself missing the little brats running around while he’s trying to make them food. He had grown so used to their odd little routine and then suddenly everything was taken right from underneath him.

               He makes two pancakes for himself, eating them a bit despondently at the table in their living room while watching reruns of some drama they’d finished a while back. And when he can’t stand doing that any longer, he curls up on the couch, pulling a thick, soft blanket over himself and scrolls mindlessly through his phone, reading through articles and nonsensical things.

               Ten’s phone pings and he jumps a slight bit, having nearly zoned out while scrolling. It’s a message from Jaehyun.

 **Jaehyun:** We’re back. How are you holding up?

 **Ten:** fine, tired, leg hurts… among other things

 **Ten:** how is everyone?

 **Jaehyun:** Mark says he wants to hang out with you but he’s got to film with the other kids

 **Jaehyun:** Everyone is fine though. Tired too but manager-nim gave us the rest of the day off with practice late tomorrow.

 **Jaehyun:** I think everyone is gonna go to the movies. You wanna come?

 **Ten:** im going to be with Taeyong

 **Ten:** he didn’t tell you?

 **Ten:** he said he was going to pick me up

 

               A few moments go by before he gets a response and he regrets saying anything. This could have been his chance to get out of spending an awkward few hours alone with Taeyong.

 

 **Jaehyun:** Oh, he did now.

 **Jaehyun:** I don’t like this you know.

 **Jaehyun:** You’re both two of my best friends and I hate seeing you both hurt.

 **Jaehyun:** This isn’t a good idea.

 

               Ten tries not to think about how Jaehyun is absolutely correct. It’s not a good idea – he knows that, Taeyong knows that, everyone knows that. He finds himself pulled in two directions: wanting to spend every possible moment with Taeyong and trying to avoid him as much as possible to mend his broken heart. Because if he doesn’t see Taeyong the feelings will go away, right? _Right?_

 **Ten:** i know

 **Ten:** i really know

 **Jaehyun:** We’ll do something soon, just us two. To get your mind off everything okay?

 **Ten:** okay. Jaehyun, you know i love you right

 **Jaehyun:** you too, brat <3

 

               He’s back to square one. Back to ‘Pre-Thailand’. Back to forcing all his feelings deep down for the sake of their careers. Back to where he never thought he’d be again. It’s beyond difficult to be friends with Taeyong but they’d done it before so what’s the difference now?

               The difference is before, they hadn’t kissed. Before, they hadn’t had sex. Before, they gave fleeting touches that left the other reeling. Before, they were obvious with their eyes but nothing came of it. Now everything is different and Ten isn’t sure he can just forget the way Taeyong feels beneath him. The way Taeyong cares for him. The way Taeyong probably loves him. Ten doesn’t want to push all this away but he’s apparently got no choice in the matter according to their ‘lovely’ managers.

               A knock at the door startles him out of his thoughts and he curses himself for zoning out again. He freezes when he realizes it’s probably Taeyong and he is currently not in the most well-off state.

               “Hold on!” he yells to the door and rushes into his room to make sure he’s dressed at least a bit appropriately and changes out of the shirt he’s been wearing for the past three days. On the way to the door he steps in the bathroom quickly to check his face and see if it’s clear of blemishes – there’s a small pimple on his lower cheek, but he’ll have to just deal with it.

               He swings the door open to a sheepish looking Taeyong. Ten’s heart skips a bit, as cliché as that sounds, but he can’t stop his heart from hurting.

               “Hey,” Taeyong says lamely and that too causes Ten’s heart to clench. He’s never been great at not staring at Taeyong like he’s the center of his universe – it just kind of happens.

               “Hey,” Ten returns just as lamely and for a moment they both grin at each other, reveling in their shared nervousness. Ten wishes he wasn’t nervous around Taeyong now. They were friends first. He can do this. “Did you want to come in or are we still going out?”

               “Out, if that’s alright with you.”

               Ten nods in answer and double checks to make sure he has his phone in his pocket and follows Taeyong out the door. They walk in companionable silence to the waiting van and Taeyong tells the driver where they’re going.

               “How was everything? Did you guys have fun performing?”

               Taeyong raises an eyebrow and opens his mouth like he’s about to joke around, but closes it and clears his throat, looks out the window. “Of course it was fun. We all had a great time,” Taeyong trails off and Ten can feel the slight tension in the air already and maybe this whole thing wasn’t a good idea.

               “I had fun with Kun-ah,” Ten blurts out to break through the silence. “I think you might have seen it though.”

               “I did,” Taeyong responds shortly, and it’s then that Ten realizes this whole day is going to be a disaster and unfortunately, he’s the one who brought it on himself by even agreeing to this.

               The rest of the ride is spent in silence and Ten distracts himself by playing some silly game Mark downloaded for him a while ago. He hates playing games but that’s about how comfortable he feels around Taeyong at the moment.

               When they get to the ramen shop, Ten is beyond grateful Taeyong decided to pick a different place than where they’d gone on their first date they didn’t call a date. This is some bigger place with a significantly larger number of people and Ten has mixed feelings. If they were to get in an argument here it would for sure show up on news articles and their managers would have their heads. But there was a possibility Taeyong would realize this same thing and not cause a scene.

               “Do you still hate spicy ramen?” Taeyong asks once they’re seated and Ten’s heart does a little thing in his chest and he hates Taeyong for it.

               Ten nods in answer. “Do you still like spicy ramen?” He questions, his eyebrow raising a bit and a sly smile on his face. Taeyong laughs a slight bit and is interrupted by their server coming to greet them. Not surprisingly, they order the same thing and when their eyes meet after ordering there’s a little smile there that they both don’t acknowledge.

               It’s normal for a bit. They can pretend like everything is fine and show each other random things they find on their phone and somehow everything seems to go okay. It’s a drastic turn from the atmosphere in the car, but Ten thinks it’s because they’re in public and it’s not like they have to talk while eating their noodles.

               Ten talks about how he’s been learning Mandarin and shows Taeyong some phrases Chenle and Kun have been teaching him. He talks about the movie nights with the Dreamies and how Jaemin acts like a mother – constantly cooking and cleaning for them. He talks about his practices and how excited he is for their upcoming shows and the little bit of loneliness that crept its way into Ten’s heart fades away, at least for the time being.

               Taeyong talks too, albeit a bit less than Ten but when he does, Ten finds it hard to do anything other than stare because there’s a slice of sunlight peeking it’s way through the ramen shop and somehow it’s found it’s way to Taeyong. He looks ethereal, as always, but in the same way there’s a softness that’s brought upon by the light. Ten stares at it cutting sort of diagonally across Taeyong’s face and chest, highlighting his sharp collarbones and large eyes.

               Then suddenly Taeyong’s fingers are snapping in front of his eyes, bringing him out of the trance that is Lee Taeyong.

               “I’m sorry, what was that?” Ten questions sheepishly, not exactly thrilled he got caught staring at Taeyong.

               Taeyong gives him a strange look, like he wants to say something but is holding back. He blinks once, twice. “I was just asking if you were ready for this festival. We’re performing Black on Black, so you’ll have your solo…” he trails off and he glances away from Ten’s eyes, “I don’t know what I was saying actually.”

               For a moment Ten doesn’t know what to say, he doesn’t really have a proper response to Taeyong’s own wordlessness. But somehow his brain manages to kick back into action and supplies him with an answer.

               “I’ll be fine,” Ten says when he finally realizes Taeyong was only asking because of his knee and he doesn’t know whether to be relieved or unhappy about the realization. “It’s not really hurting me lately,” he lies, “I’m looking forward to the performance. It’ll be nice to be back on stage again. It’s been a while.”

               “Well that’s…good. I’m excited to be back on stage with you.” His eyes widen a bit, for just a split second but Ten catches it and he wishes he didn’t. Taeyong obviously didn’t mean for that to slip. “With everyone – I mean. With everyone in the group. It’ll be fun to perform with all the kids again.”

               And maybe the world is against him but Ten is about to speak when there’s a lull in conversation around him and he notices the song playing overhead. It’s one he’s listened to countless times and normally in any other situation would love to hear, but right now the last thing he wants to hear is Seventeen’s ‘Falling For U’. He remembers adding the song to one of his playlists after he and Taeyong had finally admitted their feelings and he remembers his heart beating wildly in his chest as he lied in bed listening to the song on repeat.

               He can’t keep doing this. It’s unfair to Taeyong and it’s unfair to him. Stringing Taeyong along like this, having ramen dates and saying things that shouldn’t be said. Because if he keeps letting this happen, he’s only going to break whatever is left of Taeyong’s already broken heart. Because it can’t happen. Ten repeats this to himself like a mantra in his head. Despite his own heart, and the way it beats for Taeyong, he won’t let them be more than friends again. He’s going to have to try harder to keep this all platonic. Strictly platonic.

               Ten slides back in his seat and pictures someone other than Taeyong sitting across from him. He pictures Hyongbin because there is no way he’d date the backup dancer. It works – at least for the time being – and he takes a deep breath before going on. “Me too. It’s been a while since I’ve performed with them.”

               Taeyong frowns at the change in Ten’s being but doesn’t say anything and Ten is glad for that. He’s not sure what he’d tell Taeyong if he asked. The conversation continues back to normal, mundane things that Ten really doesn’t want to talk about and knows Taeyong doesn’t want to talk about if the look on his face is anything to go by.

               “I guess we should get back to the dorms,” Taeyong says, voice quiet. He doesn’t meet Ten’s eyes as he messages their driver to pick them back up. Ten doesn’t look over at Taeyong either, he can’t let himself slip up _again_.

               The entire ride back Ten repeats to himself that he won’t let them happen. He repeats it over and over until it’s the only thing on his mind.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> the svt song being in there was kinda on a whim but it came on shuffle while writing and it just kinda fit idk.   
> as always comments and things are appreciated pls, ive been feeling kinda like shit recently and with all the hyuna and hyojong stuff going on i have just been hhh feeling bad so any comments are appreciated.


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